Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

OMG, they barely know these kids let alone care about them, there are also other kids who would definitely ruin the wedding.

If you can't be selfish by choosing the wedding day you want, one that doesn't involve having stones thrown around by feral unlikeable brats, when the fuck can you be selfish?!

Nobody is entitled to an invite. OP has made the right choice. Her family are unfortunately showing their asses (as well as lots on here)

You know, I’m generally very much in support of child-free weddings UNLESS I see the enraging words ‘we just want to let the parents let their hair down and have a night off.’

No. By all means have a child-free wedding and have a lovely time, but do NOT try to sell it as being in anything other than YOUR interests. They are a fucking ballache for me; I’ll pull together childcare if I really like you but don’t patronise me by pretending that you’re doing it for my benefit.

I think anyone who thinks it is easy to sort childcare in this situation has zero clues what it’s like to have 4 children under 6 including a baby.

This!!! It’s your wedding do what YOU want

I don't know about the children but your grandparents sound feral.

A couple of teenagers could manage no problem. My primary babysitter is a friends two teenage daughters. They manage perfectly well. I was a teenage babysitter myself once upon a time.
Plenty of parents would actually, if a reciprocal arrangement has been built. Just asking randomly having never offered a favour yourself, probably not. You have to put in to get out - it's 11 months away, plenty of time to work on it.
Also fine to just say they don't want to. But they could manage.

If there's one thing I've learnt about weddings, it's that families are the most selfish, entitled and controlling they will ever be when one is being planned. It is YOUR wedding Op! They're extremely cruel to put you in this position, not to mention that the cost is much higher and the vibe totally different with kids there. Tell your grandparents and selfish Auntie that they aren't welcome. If it's any consolation, lots of brides have this. A friend of mine had her dad's aunt get in touch the other day to say she doesn't ( won't ) drive on motorways so her daughter had to come to her wedding... and her dad said okay! She never ever considered that this is another £135 for the bride and groom plus all the extras. When I planned mine my parents and DH's parents gave us huge lists of their friends and extended family that had to come along but offered not a penny towards it, then DH's grandmother controlled the flowers and mobody tried to stop her or thought about me. It's horrible, and no kids is just another small topic that causes tension. What all these people SHOULD be doing is realising it is nothing to do with them and if they really don't like it, politely decline! Enjoy your wedding Op, please don't cry that's not a part of the bridal experience!!!

Stick to your guns.
Grandparents who would involve themselves like this will not be any loss.
Your wedding, and you don't want children.
Accept the consequences of your decision as your Grandparents will have to do.

I wouldn't discuss it further.
Take them off the list and anyone else who wants to add drama to it.

I had children at my wedding but I respect that others would rather not.

I think it is disgusting behaviour to cause drama over it.

Childfree wedding and you don't have childcare?
Then you politely decline the wedding. The end.

Your Grandparents are a disgrace.

You chose to have the child free wedding and now people are complaining you’re close to cancelling the wedding altogether. You seem like hard work.
Just tell those who are complaining it’s child free and it would be lovely if they could make it but you understand if it’s too difficult
Then move on

*LunaDeBallona · Today 17:25

When did weddings become child free?
Weddings -traditionally- were two people getting married and celebrating with their family and close friends. Children were never excluded - they are part of a family too.
Personally I think ‘child free weddings’ are so people can have the Instagram, bridezilla

I can only go back to 1928 in terms of being sure, in my family, so I don't know when people first had childfree weddings, but it was certainly happening 100 years ago.
Not just some quirk of my family though, I never went to a wedding as a child, although my parents certainly did. So all of those friends also clearly didn't invite dc, or at least dc they weren't close to.

Oh, and "Insta" wasn't invented in all those decades.

Fuck around and find out.

I feel bad for your auntie and your lack of consideration for her circumstances does make me wonder if you're being self-centered. The 2 older boys of DH cousin could be dealt with by extending an invite to cousin + one only. If cousin sees auntie's kids there, it will be obvious to her that her feral children are the reason and she'll either be grateful to be away from them or a tad embarrassed.

However, you chose the nuclear option, so I don't feel sorry for you at all. Your DGP likely have seen you have form for other selfish behavior, so I highly doubt this was a one-off, it might have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

Meh. You can choose what you want, so can they.

What great advice from your caterer. Sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture and if you are still happy with your choices that's ok.
It is sad to think that whatever happens going forward, relationships in this instance have been damaged. The resentment will always be lurking in the background.

it's Fuck Around and Find Out.
Although to be fair to OP she isn't actually "Fucking around" she is planning the wedding she wants.

Her family are being a bit dickish, but IME when it comes to child free weddings people can be dicks. As OP is finding out.

Best just to carry on under these circs, and let it all work itself out in the wash.

You know, let them throw their tizzies.
It isn’t their day.
It’s your day.
A solution might be to find a responsible babysitter yourself - somebody (or a couple of people) bonded and licensed to look after all the children) while the adults enjoy your wedding festivities. You could provide snacks and food and stories and games and a comfortable place for them to sleep (if necessary). If there’s a will, there’s a way.
But here’s the thing: you’re allowing people to bully you into crying and being upset over how you want YOUR wedding day to be.
Don’t let anybody bully you into anything.
Have your wedding any way you like.
I remember when I got married, my mum’s cousin was in a snit over something or other and sent in the response card and wrote that she would NOT be attending. Oh, ok.
We had an absolutely lovely day.
We never gave Mum’s cousin another thought.
Smile! You’re getting married!
Please don’t cry. ❤️

Can I come to your wedding? More than happy to leave kids at home lol

Why have you decided that the aunt is ‘lovely’? The OP never described her like that. OP has said she doesn’t have a close relationship with her aunt or the children.

"I often think people who bleat on about weddings being "family occasions" say so because they wouldn't bother organising a family get together outside of the wedding"

This is so wrong. I consider weddings family events because they are, and I had so much joy having my nieces and nephews at my wedding, my nieces were flower girls, my nephew had a bible reading etc and I consider them part of the family. We also a section kids could go to later in the evening to play while adults did their thing.

Saying I consider weeeingsab family event because I can't be bothered to organize events outside the wedding is ridiculous and makes no sense. You do realize many cultures out there place a huge importance to family as part of such events right? I guess they all can't be bothered or organize family events outside the wedding.

OP is within her rights to do what she wants but that also means she has to be fine with the consequences, a fractured relationship with her aunty and grandparents. From her last update it sounds like that is a price that she is willing to pay so I don't get the point of this thread or the crying etc. She should focus on her wedding and move on with her life.

OP is within her rights to do what she wants but that also means she has to be fine with the consequences, a fractured relationship with her aunty and grandparents. From her last update it sounds like that is a price that she is willing to pay so I don't get the point of this thread or the crying etc. She should focus on her wedding and move on with her life.

exaclty. She’s made it clear that she doesn’t really consider her cousins family , and she’s not especially bothered about her aunt. Unsurprisingly this has offended her aunt, and her grandparents. Now she’s angry with them for being upset with her. 🤷🏼‍♀️ You reap what you sow!

I certainly wasn't bridzilla,I was second time bride, almost 50,took 10 years for us to save the money, intended to get married before,big mortgage and 5 redundancies in 8 years..I didn't have hen do,there was no photographer, I wore a cream suit.. we tried to please lots of people. Gretna was out. Booked local register office they only had a Friday, invites out, people complained (especially mil,) booked different register office, trying to find one that all the guests could reach, and pub on the river for the reception. Then I had trouble accessing it because of a big accident on the motorway. We couldn't afford the local hotels for 6 of us for the night . Then heard the local register office which was being demolished had a Saturday. So that's 4 bookings,4 deposits lost, I hired a babysitter and a bouncy castle at my house 15 minutes away and no one used it! The 4 kids who were responsible for wrecking the day were between 8 and 12.. there wasn't much drinking,a lot of the guests were either driving or don't drink.
.

“Feral.” Since when did this become a synonym for “badly behaved”? It’s horrible.

Can you compromise with an "all generation" family lunch the next day?

I’ve been married twice. My first wedding was a giant family affair where 1/3 of the guests were children. It was a wonderful event.

My second wedding was an extremely small weeknight dinner party. This wedding was my favorite because it perfectly suited my personality. It was small and quiet. None of our guests had minor children, though one was pregnant. We would not have planned that particular event for a different set of guests. It worked well for the very small, very close family and friends elegant dinner we wanted to host because of our particular point time. If it had been 6 months later, we would have had a different wedding because a sibling would have had an infant. It just would not have worked anymore. We would have come up with something else, as much as I loved our event, our family matters more.