Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

I’ve read the OP’s posts and some (but not all) of the other posts. The thing is, it’s okay to not come to a wedding (or other party) because it won’t suit you. Making a lot of drama and no longer speaking to someone over a wedding invite is quite weird and not okay. Does your family often create rather a lot of drama?

The way to deal with this is say okay and assume that they aren’t coming. Drop the rope.

So your partner's first cousins once removed are badly behaved so your first cousins can't attend,?

If someone with small children has a DP, then the DP stays at home with the kids. If they have no DP or DP can't (or won't) look after the kids, then the person has to accept that they won't be able to attend and they decline the invitation gracefully. It's the same if you're invited to a garden party, an awards ceremony or Buckingham Palace, your child isn't invited and you either make arrangements or you don't go. You don't sit around and bitch that your child isn't welcome at the garden party/that the awards ceremony doesn't have a creche/that the King doesn't want screaming children running around the Palace.

I think they are being unreasonable to stop speaking to you over it, it’s quite the overreaction.

I don’t think they are being unreasonable to not attend. It’s your wedding to plan as you please but other people don’t have to support it.

A device free wedding I could get on board with.

Your auntie isn't unreasonable for not attending your wedding, but she is unreasonable if she has given you grief about it (unless you gave her grief first).

I'm sorry your grandparents aren't attending. It's one thing for them to express disappointment once, politely, but refusing to attend is creating a big schism. People feel strongly both ways about children being at weddings but it's ultimately your choice and they should be respectful of it.

I think for me personally if you aren't inviting the children then don't invite the parents. Seems nonsense to invite parents with a young family and then say no kids!

Young children are not surgically attached to their parents...

This nonsense about child free weddings. If ur close family members have kids, you should include them, ur making their life hard by having to arrange childcare to attend ur wedding. Most parents would want their kids with them during a family event. I agree with ur grandparents and really don’t blame them for not talking to you, bc you are being selfish, if u expect them there, then you need to accept their children

It might be an ‘amazing’ wedding but not sure it’s worth it if family members are upset and might be for some time.

In any case, the day is tarnished now even if the OP sticks to her guns. There will be bad feeling which is not the ideal way to start married life.

Have a great wedding OP. You are absolutely doing the right thing

4 children 5 and under you are very unlikely to get a babysitter so they kind of are!

I remember my mum seeing her arse when she presumed that my niece would be having a child free wedding due to the fact that it was being held in a pretty posh hotel. She came to me and told me that if that was the case, she would refuse to go. At that time I was the only member of the family with a young (7) child (my mums youngest granddaughter).

I told my mum to wind her neck in. If my niece and her groom decided to go child free, I would go to the wedding and DH would stay home with DD. I would understand completely why they might want to have a child free wedding. I might even have roped in one of DHs relatives to babysit (although that would have been a nightmare to organise).

OP, it is entirely up to you and your groom how you run your day, and I'm sorry your aunt and grandparents are putting you in this position, it's very unfair of them.

I'm usually one for including kids at weddings, but I'm on your side here op. Your family's reaction is ridiculous.

It's really not that hard to find a babysitter. Especially a year out.

Meanwhile I’d expect my niece to invite my kids to her wedding if they want a child free day. It’s not like cousins are always really close and with huge age gaps between them I see no issue.

Sorry meant to say I’d not expect my niece to invite my kids! We always assume weddings are child free unless our children are explicitly invited. They are being absolute twats about this. How do they think anyone else manages when a babysitter is needed. Your aunt should have just declined but instead is a gobshite thats gone crying to her mammy and daddy.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Your grandparents are being ridiculous.

The level of selfishness and self absorption here is staggering.

We’ve hosted our own wedding 27 years ago plus various other functions over the years. At each one we have considered our guests and their needs. Because we care about them and want them there and so tried to do everything possible to enable them to attend. We’ve invited people that we might not have chosen because, for example, they invited us to their events and it’s the polite thing to do.

Our wedding caterer said something very wise to us before our wedding - it’s not about the wedding day, it’s what comes afterwards that matters. 27 years on, I remember our wedding day as being very nice, but that’s nothing in comparison to the years dh and I have been together and all the nice things we’ve shared, both as a couple and with our family and friends.

Have a wonderful wedding doing it your way.

At least you’ve seen their true colours. Start as you mean to go on. Boundaries.

We had our wedding in Febuary. It was a celebration of our union surrounded by friends and Family. I asked everyone to bring their children. There were 20 kids, and 160 people in total, it was fabulous, I would never have imagined a "child free wedding"
As my kids were growing up, if they weren't invited I didn't go.

I think it just looks like you didn't want the Aunt to come in the 1st place, so why invite her at all? How did you envisage it turning out when you invited her and said no kids?

You can have whatever wedding you want. But you know that this is a bit FAFO and now you are in the FO stage. If your whole family will be there, that is usually the pool of potential baby sitters, so it is clear anyone with children will have difficulties.

Up to you - change the invitations and make it clear that feral children & their parents will be asked to leave. Or carry on as you are and miss out a lot of your family.

And don't come back in 3 years when you have a kid moaning that your [insert relative] is having a child free wedding and you can't go.

A baby sitter minds the kids for a few hours while the parents have a night out. The expectation is that the kids will be in bed for most of it.

Would you really leave your 4 young kids for most of the day with a teenager?

Most fellow parents won't take 4 kids for the day as a favour. And even if you split them up, it's still a big ask and the mum might not have friends she could ask.

Or maybe she could hire a childcare professional - that would certainly cost a packet and maybe she can't afford it.

What is FAFO and the FO stage lol