Page 21 | Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

Summerinsicily · 2025-05-20T11:38:57+00:00

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming. My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending. I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

Strictlymad · 20/05/2025 17:41

Lmnop22 · 20/05/2025 12:42

Couldn’t you let immediate family’s kids come but just not friends’ kids? Because they’re your family too so it’s a bit mean not to invite them when you expect every other immediate family member and probably every babysitting option for younger kids to also be attending your wedding!

This. Being child free means some can’t come and this will be very disappointing for them. And grandparents are hurt that they are hurt. Fine to make the choice but there will be consequences

PurpleThistle7 · 20/05/2025 17:42

Notellinganyone · 20/05/2025 17:39

It seems to me that in the last twenty years or so the whole focus of weddings has shifted. They’ve gone from family centred celebrations to some kind of bride centred extravaganza. It’s almost as though women have no other outlet for creativity or autonomy and must therefore have total control over every aspect of the day. Child free, dress codes, multiple expensive hens, tens of thousands of pounds. It’s sad really. Of course OP can do what she likes but children are part of life - not some massive inconvenience.

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I got married more than 20 years ago and didn’t have a photographer. Or a hen do. Or spend many many thousands. I had a fabulous night with many of my favourite people to celebrate our new life together. It wasn’t anything deeper than that!

given the update (and even without it), the OP can spend her time and money as she likes and so can everyone else.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 20/05/2025 17:42

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 17:33

Then it should be very easy for auntie to find someone to watch her brood while she at least attends the ceremony if not the breakfast or after party. Instead of stropping and making it all about her.

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Or not easy because villages are like - small!

GRex · 20/05/2025 17:44

This will be a grown up celebration where parents can let their hair down and have a night off and not have to worry about what their child is up to or stopping them from fussing etc.
Whether parents care or what they do has nothing to do with this. Parents make their own decisions. You need to stop trying to dress this up as some sort of benefit for your aunt that you are leaving out your cousins. It really will just get people more irritated every time you say it, because it simply isn't true.

Own your decisions. You've decided not to invite kids, fine. That means some adults aren't coming, also fine. "Very sorry you can't come (auntie) / have decided not to come (Grandparents)."... and leave it there. They may hold a grudge for decades, or not, they are your family so you know how long this will last. If you don't like the consequence then change your mind. Nobody here can help, because you've decided you should both stop them from coming and then be cross that they are annoyed about it. Any number of people can tell you that they should be* *gracious about it, but they will still think you are in the wrong, so that gets you nowhere. You're an adult, just own your decisions.

WhatNoRaisins · 20/05/2025 17:46

I on principle would turn down any wedding invitation that claimed not to be inviting children so that I can let my hair down. If you really care that much about me letting my hair down then offer me a nights babysitting. Childfree weddings are for the benefit for the couple, not the guests.

BlueMum16 · 20/05/2025 17:48

Summerinsicily · 20/05/2025 17:23

I have just got home from work so can now properly explain a bit more.

on my fiancés side, his cousin has 3 kids. The youngest one is fine, but the older two boys are absolutely feral. They are loud and destructive and just generally not well behaved. At a family bbq last year they broke things, spoiled things for other children, and kept fighting with each other. They mum had to keep telling them off, all throughout the BBQ all you could hear every 20 minutes was her shouting at them telling them to pack it in. At one point the older of the two bit the other ones arm so bad it was bleeding everywhere. After everyone left, they were the last ones remaining and the boys were picking up stones from our garden and launching them at each other. I absolutely don’t want these children at the wedding. We were trying to discuss how we would tell the cousin that her children aren’t invited and others are. However, we realised that we wouldn’t actually care if no children came because we don’t have close relationships to any of the children in our family. DP is an only child and I have a brother and a sister who are both child free. There’s no other children on my side other than aunties kids who I rarely see. My auntie and I don’t have a close relationship but I would still like her to be at the wedding if she can make it, if not, I understand and would not have been upset or offended with a polite decline.

People are bringing up instagram wedding and I’m not sure why you think that. I do have instagram but the last time I posted on it was a picture of my cat in 2022. It’s not about an aesthetic, it’s about the atmosphere of the day. This will be a grown up celebration where parents can let their hair down and have a night off and not have to worry about what their child is up to or stopping them from fussing etc. I understand that some people don’t care about that and would love to spend that day with their kids there and see weddings as events for the whole family, but that isn’t how we want to do our wedding. And whether you agree with it or not, I really hope that you wouldn’t react like my family have with your own family. This hasn’t been done with malice. I haven’t wanted to cause upset. We have thought about the kind of day we want and the relationship that we have to the children, and whether we would enjoy children from extended family there causing havoc. If you would do your wedding differently, that is your right. But this is our turn to organise our wedding and I don’t want our decisions manipulated by other people

Edited

Your reasons sound valid and reasonable.

Is your auntie/GP on your mum or dads side of the family? Is your parent around to have this conversation with them on your behalf.

Personally I would stick to your child free wedding and enjoy your day. Hopefully your GP will come round.

InterIgnis · 20/05/2025 17:48

Notellinganyone · 20/05/2025 17:39

It seems to me that in the last twenty years or so the whole focus of weddings has shifted. They’ve gone from family centred celebrations to some kind of bride centred extravaganza. It’s almost as though women have no other outlet for creativity or autonomy and must therefore have total control over every aspect of the day. Child free, dress codes, multiple expensive hens, tens of thousands of pounds. It’s sad really. Of course OP can do what she likes but children are part of life - not some massive inconvenience.

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How is a couple (not just a bride!) having the wedding they want demonstrative of a lack of autonomy?

A lack of autonomy would be them having the wedding according to someone else’s preference, regardless of their own. That is what I would find sad, not what OP and her fiance are doing.

Tandora · 20/05/2025 17:52

GRex · 20/05/2025 17:44

This will be a grown up celebration where parents can let their hair down and have a night off and not have to worry about what their child is up to or stopping them from fussing etc.
Whether parents care or what they do has nothing to do with this. Parents make their own decisions. You need to stop trying to dress this up as some sort of benefit for your aunt that you are leaving out your cousins. It really will just get people more irritated every time you say it, because it simply isn't true.

Own your decisions. You've decided not to invite kids, fine. That means some adults aren't coming, also fine. "Very sorry you can't come (auntie) / have decided not to come (Grandparents)."... and leave it there. They may hold a grudge for decades, or not, they are your family so you know how long this will last. If you don't like the consequence then change your mind. Nobody here can help, because you've decided you should both stop them from coming and then be cross that they are annoyed about it. Any number of people can tell you that they should be* *gracious about it, but they will still think you are in the wrong, so that gets you nowhere. You're an adult, just own your decisions.

This. You have a right to organise your wedding as you like, OP, but you can’t control how other people feel .

Wexone · 20/05/2025 17:57

LunaDeBallona · 20/05/2025 17:25

When did weddings become child free?
Weddings -traditionally- were two people getting married and celebrating with their family and close friends. Children were never excluded - they are part of a family too.
Personally I think ‘child free weddings’ are so people can have the Instagram, bridezilla wedding of their dreams - it’s all about the looks, and the photos to go on social media rather than a day to celebrate two people joining to families to make a new one.
I know I’ll be in the minority but I think they are horrible and selfish. Yes, l can fully understand people not wanting the actual marriage service ruined by a wailing baby or a tantruming toddler - so make it clear any sign of yelling and the child must be quickly removed, which most people would do anyway!

In the same way that it’s ’your day, your choice’ then equally it’s the choice of people whose children have been excluded to be upset - especially when they are quite close family. Ergo, if your grandparents decide not to come that’s their choice and presumably, since all choices of the bride must be accepted equally guests choices must be respected too - even if that means deciding not to speak to you.
Is it really worth a rift in the family which could have long term consequences simply not to have children at a wedding? Unless the kids are feral why wouldn’t you want them there??They are part of your family!
I’ve been to many weddings - none of them have ever been spoiled because children were there but I’ve seen families ripped apart through ‘bridezilla’ choices. Is it really worth it?

Mid 40s here only went to one wedding as a child in late 80s and had to wear an awful flower girl dress. my parents were invited to many a wedding both family and friends ones never once did we go
here in Ireland weddings are huge people invite sometimes up to 400 people and I say I have been to about 50 in past 20 odd years I can count on one hand how many had children at and then they were children of the bride and groom. it's not the done thing to invite children

CopperWhite · 20/05/2025 17:57

Summerinsicily · 20/05/2025 17:23

I have just got home from work so can now properly explain a bit more.

on my fiancés side, his cousin has 3 kids. The youngest one is fine, but the older two boys are absolutely feral. They are loud and destructive and just generally not well behaved. At a family bbq last year they broke things, spoiled things for other children, and kept fighting with each other. They mum had to keep telling them off, all throughout the BBQ all you could hear every 20 minutes was her shouting at them telling them to pack it in. At one point the older of the two bit the other ones arm so bad it was bleeding everywhere. After everyone left, they were the last ones remaining and the boys were picking up stones from our garden and launching them at each other. I absolutely don’t want these children at the wedding. We were trying to discuss how we would tell the cousin that her children aren’t invited and others are. However, we realised that we wouldn’t actually care if no children came because we don’t have close relationships to any of the children in our family. DP is an only child and I have a brother and a sister who are both child free. There’s no other children on my side other than aunties kids who I rarely see. My auntie and I don’t have a close relationship but I would still like her to be at the wedding if she can make it, if not, I understand and would not have been upset or offended with a polite decline.

People are bringing up instagram wedding and I’m not sure why you think that. I do have instagram but the last time I posted on it was a picture of my cat in 2022. It’s not about an aesthetic, it’s about the atmosphere of the day. This will be a grown up celebration where parents can let their hair down and have a night off and not have to worry about what their child is up to or stopping them from fussing etc. I understand that some people don’t care about that and would love to spend that day with their kids there and see weddings as events for the whole family, but that isn’t how we want to do our wedding. And whether you agree with it or not, I really hope that you wouldn’t react like my family have with your own family. This hasn’t been done with malice. I haven’t wanted to cause upset. We have thought about the kind of day we want and the relationship that we have to the children, and whether we would enjoy children from extended family there causing havoc. If you would do your wedding differently, that is your right. But this is our turn to organise our wedding and I don’t want our decisions manipulated by other people

Edited

If that’s how you feel then why all the stress and tears? Accept that your grandparents are trying to manipulate you and decide that they are no longer welcome. You already weren’t bothered about your auntie so there’s no need for drama.

MrsKateColumbo · 20/05/2025 18:01

Stay strong OP
I had family kids attend and a cousin (who I am not close to) let her baby make loads of noise in the ceremony. I wish I had excluded her! Your GP reaction is so insane I would re evaluate my relationship with them going forwards.

When BIL got married only my kids were invited, some cousins politely declined and everyone is still happy and friendly. Similarly my friend invited another friend's kid to her wedding and not mine. Totally fine! I was in no way offended ans still attended. Another cousin who came to my wedding didn't I vite me to his, I was a bit annoyed as it was a fancy destination wedding but I didn't say anything

I often think people who bleat on about weddings being "family occasions" say so because they wouldn't bother organising a family get together outside of the wedding

IsItSnowing · 20/05/2025 18:04

You're perfectly within your rights to do your wedding however you choose.So if you want child free, then that's fine.
But if your aunt has 4 children and no babysitter she's not going to be able to come. I don't think she's being unreasonable either.
I do think your grandparents are being a bit unreasonable though. I can understand why this would upset you.

Arrestedforit · 20/05/2025 18:05

Thanks @Summerinsicilyfor the context about the other children, they sound pretty badly behaved and parented and I can understand how that’s formed your decision. I’m hoping that you’ve met up with your grandparents and auntie and explained the reasoning. If you have, and they are still upset and holding a grudge, then you are not being unreasonable, but if this conversation has only taken place via messages and phone calls I suggest you do meet up in person and explain. Only you know the situation and the depth of your relationship with them, and the stubbornness rating for your family.
I hope you come to a resolution and reach some sort of a healthy future relationship.

Nanny0gg · 20/05/2025 18:08

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 16:56

Why did you not have any options for childcare?

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Oh, I don't know

Maybe they had no family nearby
Maybe they had no family
Maybe their friends couldn't help

My DH and I had lost our mothers years before we met.
We had no other family near us.
If children weren't invited, we couldn't go

SALaw · 20/05/2025 18:09

Is it worth the drama and fall out?

TheWonderhorse · 20/05/2025 18:09

I'm not getting married, but if I was I'd absolutely have loads of kids there, and they would all have a bouquet to throw. I think people sometimes miss the point of everything. Celebrate with people who think you're an actual princess.

justasking111 · 20/05/2025 18:10

Wexone · 20/05/2025 17:57

Mid 40s here only went to one wedding as a child in late 80s and had to wear an awful flower girl dress. my parents were invited to many a wedding both family and friends ones never once did we go
here in Ireland weddings are huge people invite sometimes up to 400 people and I say I have been to about 50 in past 20 odd years I can count on one hand how many had children at and then they were children of the bride and groom. it's not the done thing to invite children

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Going to Irish wedding as a child I was a bridesmaid. We lived in the south east. I always loved the train journey and the ferry across. My younger brothers were at the wedding all dressed up.

Was a fantastic wedding, and the dancing I had nine great uncles all of them playing the fiddle or accordian. I danced my little legs off. I recall how long the wedding service was though I think half of Ireland was in the church 😁

I've never forgotten that day.

Luminousnose · 20/05/2025 18:11

Small children can be delightful at weddings … they can also be a nightmare. Unfortunately it’s often very difficult to tell which is going to be the case in advance.

In any event, the decision is entirely up to you and your fiancé, as presumably you are paying for it. I have a certain amount of sympathy with your aunt, but unfortunately the downside of children is that you sometimes miss out on stuff when they are small. My mum took my sister on a couple of long haul holidays to see family abroad when my DD was little. Was I a bit sad to miss out? Yes of course, but I didn’t make a fuss as I understood that she wanted to visit her family and didn’t want to go alone (my DDad had died some years before). Such is life.

TheignT · 20/05/2025 18:11

JemimaPiddlepot · 20/05/2025 16:26

But hang on - what you said actually backs up my comment. Everyone thought you’d change your mind; you didn’t. I’d put money on everyone believing OP will change her mind too.

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You said the grandparents would change their minds and op should call their bluff, exactly what people said about me. They found it wasn't a bluff and it upset them more than me. It doesn't back up what you said.

JemimaPiddlepot · 20/05/2025 18:11

Is it really worth a rift in the family which could have long term consequences simply not to have children at a wedding? Unless the kids are feral why wouldn’t you want them there??They are part of your family!

Is it really worth a rift in the family which could have long term consequences simply to have children at a wedding? Because that’s what the grandparents are trying to cause.

“They are part of your family!” is all very well. But the OP is part of her grandparents’ family too. They’re crying and stamping their feet over their younger grandchildren not being invited, but the wishes of their older granddaughter - the one whose wedding it actually is - apparently don’t count.

JemimaPiddlepot · 20/05/2025 18:13

TheignT · 20/05/2025 18:11

You said the grandparents would change their minds and op should call their bluff, exactly what people said about me. They found it wasn't a bluff and it upset them more than me. It doesn't back up what you said.

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But as you say, they thought you would change your mind, and you didn’t. OP’s grandparents think this emotional blackmail will make her change her mind. I’m saying she should do what you did.

JemimaPiddlepot · 20/05/2025 18:15

SALaw · 20/05/2025 18:09

Is it worth the drama and fall out?

You could put the same question to the people who are old enough to have an adult grandchild, but are behaving like five year-olds.

RisingSunn · 20/05/2025 18:15

Youstolemygoddamnhouse · 20/05/2025 17:35

OP you don’t have to explain yourself to these idiots. It’s your wedding do what you want. I can imagine a lot of these responses are from entitled parents who have feral children and can’t parent. Good luck for the wedding. Don’t feel under pressure by a bunch of strangers from the internet who’s opinion do not matter.

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It's not a case of being entitled parents - weddings used to be a beautiful family affair. I think that's what most people are used to. And the children of the family are part of that.

But like I said previously - I wouldn't stop talking to a relative because of their wedding choices.

I would just eye-roll at the invite and politely decline.

ApiratesaysYarrr · 20/05/2025 18:17

Arrestedforit · 20/05/2025 12:48

No they re not being manipulative, they’ve made a choice too which is the consequence of the OP’s choice. Neither party is right or wrong here IMO.

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I disagree. They have every right to choose not to go to the wedding, but refusing to speak to OP is ridiculous and manipulative.

SewingIsMySuperPower · 20/05/2025 18:17

Disclaimer: I haven't read the whole thread (too many posts!)

However, if this helps @Summerinsicily , we chose to have a child free ceremony, but not a full on child free day. There ended up being 4 kiddos (no family kids existed at the time and all our other friends chose to leave their kids with family). 2 people missed the ceremony itself to look after the 4 kids (we'd tried to sort out childcare with the hotel, but they let us down last minute).

I think it was a perfect mix. Admittedly the only kid there the whole night was only 9 months old and was an angel who everyone fell in love with! The other kids were all.put to bed fairly early (parental choice, not because we made them!).

If this is at all possible for you, it's something to consider? I've been to too many weddings where kids screamed or ran around during the ceremony, and we weren't willing to risk that.

Unrelated: We also had a device free ceremony which was also lovely, as I walked in to a sea of faces, and not a sea of phones! Plus there are no phones in any of the official photos which looks nicer too! We made the official photos available to all guests when they were ready.

Hope you get it sorted x