Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

I know a number of people have suggested that these are "distant" relatives - but regardless of which "side" of the debate you are on, can I point out that they are not remotely distant as family or geographically. And that may inform the levl of hurt being expressed on all sides here. The OP said..."It is within our home town. Myself and my parents and aunties all live in the same village, it is about a 20 minute drive away". So we are talking about a group of people - family - who live in the same village. That is bound to influence the dynamics. If Auntie lived two hundred miles away, then it may not be so raw for everyone - but the entire family live within streets of each other.

@nomas Wow! Fair play to your child. How did your sibling react?

I think both they and their spouse was shocked. I saw sibling go to say something but my child definitely had the ‘okay, bring it on, double dare you, you will regret it’ look so I’m guessing they thought better of it. That child is definitely one you never want to cross.

We've split our dc before now, so one person doesn't take them all.

Then (as OP has said they are all local) - the Aunt could come to the ceremony and meal, and not stay all night.

Or, maybe there are people on her dh's side of the family who could help them.

Or, maybe the Aunt could come and her dh could look after them

Or, maybe the Aunt could think "Oh, what a shame, but, as we decided to have 4 dc, there are inevitably going to be some things we miss out on, particularly while they are young" and declined graciously, rather than phoning and ranting at the OP.

Oh come on, that’s just brilliant 😂

They don’t need to be arseholes about it though do they?

What I meant is that we don’t have any family around so never have free babysitting. My daughter is autistic so we can’t hire random people. In an emergency we’d ask for a favour from a friend but that’s not always an option for something fun

If I need to be in hospital my husband has the kids.
Neither of us has been injured in an accident simultaneously. Touch wood.

My niece's wedding is child free apart from the bridesmaid's children. One, her cousin the MoH, has 2 children and 2 have babies . We have to stay in an air b and b so I have chosen to pay for all our family so thats 10 of us . So we are paying for 10 people to stay in a place 4 hours drive away for 3 nights that I wouldn't have chosen and I wont get to see my own GC while I'm there . We couldn't book the Air b and b for less than 3 nights because its in a popular area in the middle of summer. Yes I'm disappointed about that especially as there will actually be children there ( and our DGC would be much better behaved but that's a side issue ) . But I realise its my niece's and her soon to be DH's choice and I accept that .

Lots of people wont have childcare, especially for a long day like a wedding. We've got friends that would maybe do a few hours but not the whole day. I was even prepared to give birth alone to the second one if they had come at an unsocial hour.

I have just got home from work so can now properly explain a bit more.

on my fiancés side, his cousin has 3 kids. The youngest one is fine, but the older two boys are absolutely feral. They are loud and destructive and just generally not well behaved. At a family bbq last year they broke things, spoiled things for other children, and kept fighting with each other. They mum had to keep telling them off, all throughout the BBQ all you could hear every 20 minutes was her shouting at them telling them to pack it in. At one point the older of the two bit the other ones arm so bad it was bleeding everywhere. After everyone left, they were the last ones remaining and the boys were picking up stones from our garden and launching them at each other. I absolutely don’t want these children at the wedding. We were trying to discuss how we would tell the cousin that her children aren’t invited and others are. However, we realised that we wouldn’t actually care if no children came because we don’t have close relationships to any of the children in our family. DP is an only child and I have a brother and a sister who are both child free. There’s no other children on my side other than aunties kids who I rarely see. My auntie and I don’t have a close relationship but I would still like her to be at the wedding if she can make it, if not, I understand and would not have been upset or offended with a polite decline.

People are bringing up instagram wedding and I’m not sure why you think that. I do have instagram but the last time I posted on it was a picture of my cat in 2022. It’s not about an aesthetic, it’s about the atmosphere of the day. This will be a grown up celebration where parents can let their hair down and have a night off and not have to worry about what their child is up to or stopping them from fussing etc. I understand that some people don’t care about that and would love to spend that day with their kids there and see weddings as events for the whole family, but that isn’t how we want to do our wedding. And whether you agree with it or not, I really hope that you wouldn’t react like my family have with your own family. This hasn’t been done with malice. I haven’t wanted to cause upset. We have thought about the kind of day we want and the relationship that we have to the children, and whether we would enjoy children from extended family there causing havoc. If you would do your wedding differently, that is your right. But this is our turn to organise our wedding and I don’t want our decisions manipulated by other people

What do your parents think, OP?

When did weddings become child free?
Weddings -traditionally- were two people getting married and celebrating with their family and close friends. Children were never excluded - they are part of a family too.
Personally I think ‘child free weddings’ are so people can have the Instagram, bridezilla wedding of their dreams - it’s all about the looks, and the photos to go on social media rather than a day to celebrate two people joining to families to make a new one.
I know I’ll be in the minority but I think they are horrible and selfish. Yes, l can fully understand people not wanting the actual marriage service ruined by a wailing baby or a tantruming toddler - so make it clear any sign of yelling and the child must be quickly removed, which most people would do anyway!

In the same way that it’s ’your day, your choice’ then equally it’s the choice of people whose children have been excluded to be upset - especially when they are quite close family. Ergo, if your grandparents decide not to come that’s their choice and presumably, since all choices of the bride must be accepted equally guests choices must be respected too - even if that means deciding not to speak to you.
Is it really worth a rift in the family which could have long term consequences simply not to have children at a wedding? Unless the kids are feral why wouldn’t you want them there??They are part of your family!
I’ve been to many weddings - none of them have ever been spoiled because children were there but I’ve seen families ripped apart through ‘bridezilla’ choices. Is it really worth it?

The OP is the one being the drama llama. She’s cold heartedly not included the young in the family and is now crying and threatening to cancel her wedding.

She might as well have sent invites with “Adults only, we don’t want your brats there ruining our wedding”.

This is what you are basically saying to your relatives. We don’t really like your kids. The greatest insult you can give a person.

Of course, have your insta wedding your way. But why the surprise that people you have insulted (they feel insulted) have told you to shove it?

Why do people not think through the consequences of their actions?

When did weddings become child free?

maybe when parents stopped parenting their children

When the couple started paying and organising the wedding themselves, and realise they could have the day THEY wanted instead of putting up with family pressure

If the couple does want children, it might be one of their last chance to have a child-free event, they might as well make the most of it!

If parents don't make a big drama about it, kids won't care they are missing out. Weddings are pretty boring for children, even if they have a chance to leave the adults as quickly as possible to play elsewhere.

She might as well have sent invites with “Adults only, we don’t want your brats there ruining our wedding”

you only feel personally insulted if you do have brats.

I have kids. It might be impractical for me, but never would I take it as a personal attack 😂

We don’t really like your kids. The greatest insult you can give a person.
bollocks.
Not everything has to be around our kids. Parents go on weekend away or holiday without their own children when they can. They don't hate their own kids,

You need a life if you believe the world should revolve around your children.

Everyone bleating on about "weddings are to join two families together" needs to understand that is not the case for everyone. Some people have very few extended family members, some don't care, some want an elegant evening instead of a free-for-all with kids running around, some are in venues that are unsuitable, some people prioritize friends over family. There are all sorts of weddings and many formats simply aren't suitable for kids.

The days that all weddings involved young couples being surrounded by their clans and villagers are long, long gone. People have options, families are spread further apart and not necessarily close, and kids are far more poorly behaved thanks to "gentle parenting."

The OP isn't upset that her aunt isn't attending, she's upset because her pushy, entitled family is giving her a hard time about it.

Following your update, you have made the right decision.
You absolutely shouldn’t invite kids if they are feral!
And sorry your Au tie has had such a huge reaction, Is maybe explain about the feral kids on the other side.
But no point getting upset now, your grandparents are BVU.

Then it should be very easy for auntie to find someone to watch her brood while she at least attends the ceremony if not the breakfast or after party. Instead of stropping and making it all about her.

OP you don’t have to explain yourself to these idiots. It’s your wedding do what you want. I can imagine a lot of these responses are from entitled parents who have feral children and can’t parent. Good luck for the wedding. Don’t feel under pressure by a bunch of strangers from the internet who’s opinion do not matter.

If the shoe fits....

The "brats" still cost money to include. The inclusion of them puts OP on the spot to include other children. And frankly if the aunt's behaviour is any indication, the kids are probably loud, poorly behaved, self-centered and feral. Who WOULD want them at an otherwise special occasion?

I wouldn’t let anyone guilt-trip me into changing anything – it’s your wedding day, and I’m guessing you’re footing the bill, so why should anyone else make demands? I more or less eloped, we were planning a holiday to America and decided to get married while we were out there with just our children present. Our families were a bit put out at first, but they had to accept it. It’s what we wanted, and for that reason, I’d never make demands or judge anyone else for how they choose to do their wedding.

Loads of people don’t want brats at their wedding. Why is this such a hard concept for you to understand. I’m sure her Instagram wedding will look wonderful without all these brats there to destroy it.

I wouldn’t want feral children at my wedding either OP, nobody would. But you get to decide who’s invited, you don’t have to be consistent. You make the rules, you can bend them.

Could you talk to your grandparents, explain what’s behind this and see if they would agree to take responsibility for keeping an eye on the children’s behaviour at the wedding so that your auntie can be there? How much of it she would like to attend? She won’t want to stay long with a baby, so there’s a good chance she wouldn’t attend all of it.

I agree with the poster who said it was all about being in a small community where being singled out like this would show, and hurt.

It seems to me that in the last twenty years or so the whole focus of weddings has shifted. They’ve gone from family centred celebrations to some kind of bride centred extravaganza. It’s almost as though women have no other outlet for creativity or autonomy and must therefore have total control over every aspect of the day. Child free, dress codes, multiple expensive hens, tens of thousands of pounds. It’s sad really. Of course OP can do what she likes but children are part of life - not some massive inconvenience.

Because 4 extra heads add an unreasonable amount to the cost?