Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

It’s your wedding OP, do what you wish, you’re paying.

tired of hearing about usually older and distant members of family getting a bee in their bonnet about things like this.

it’s not your fault she has 4 kids and can’t get childcare, your wedding doesn’t revolve around them.

obviously you know by making it child free then some people may not be able to come and people should be mature enough on both sides to be ok with this.
To cause conflict and stop speaking to you is pathetic. These ‘adults’ need to grow up!

*Child free wedding is obviously your choice. However they baffle me as weddings ( to me) are about families coming together, celebrating and enjoying themselves in a fun social atmosphere. That's all the family, if some want to get a baby sitter while they go to a wedding that's fine.
What do people class as children at a wedding? Are they saying no 17 year olds, no primary aged kids? No babies in arms?

I’m sure that as well as wanting to avoid disruption from babies/toddlers/preschoolers there’s a cost element being considered. If you let everyone who has children bring them to the wedding, you could be ending up with 20-30+ more guests to feed.

That's exactly right but I'd rather do that than exclude family members.
No ones right or wrong here, it's personal preference.

My view is I'd rather have the people that matter and their kids and cut corners somewhere else if cost matters.
With regard to disruption we are relying g on people to take kids away from the service of they get noisy, impatient or upset. We did a gentle reminder asking for consideration but if someone was noisy, so what, 🤷 it's not the end of the world.
If people disagree and think different fine.

You made a choice but I could never have made a choice to exclude all my nieces,nephews,cousins etc There all my family and want to enjoy the big day to

You're entitled to have the wedding you want. However, exclusion whether it's of specific people or children can and does hurt feelings, especially for a family event.

While you have every right to set boundaries for your day, it's equally true that others are allowed to feel disappointed or hurt. (I dont agree with throwing a strop over it) Most people expect weddings to be inclusive family gatherings, and not being invited or being told their children aren’t welcome, is like a personal rejection.

Arranging childcare isnt easy for everyone, especially if their usual support network will be at the wedding.

I’ve personally opted out of weddings where my children weren’t invited due to special needs and childcare limitation, not out of spite, but because it was just the reality.

So yes, it's your wedding, your rules, but also, not your feelings to control. Choosing to exclude family will sometimes have consequences, and that's something to accept.

You’ve prioritized your vision over inclusivity, and that’s your prerogative. Just understand that as youve adjusted your day to suit your needs, others may adjust their relationships to suit theirs. Have your day and move forward, you're making your choices and they're making theirs.

You'd have been better off not inviting those parents

Yes and the bride is the daughter of another of their children. They don’t need to miss their own grandchild’s wedding out of some weird misplaced show of solidarity/emotional blackmail due to their daughter’s nose being put out of joint because children aren’t invited.

For your future happiness can you find a compromise? Eg everyond invited to thd wedding itself, with drinks and nibbles and photos afterwards very close to thd vdnud. Then keep the after-party child free.

I think if it’s just a handful (I mis-read originally) just suck it up, but I think start to dustance yourself as they sound like bullies (grandparents)

I have been to many weddings over the years. My DDs have been invited to some and not to others (including family ones). It has never bothered me if they weren't invited because every child there is one less adult who can be invited and I would rather than the B and G prioritise their friends over my DC.
One couple's families lived 40 miles apart and they wanted a particular venue roughly in the middle which had good transport links. Had they invited everyone's children, that would have been nearly 30 children so they limited it to immediate family children only. No one took offence, no one refused to go because their DC weren't invited and everyone had a great time.

Perhaps they would rather support their own daughter than someone else’s.

Enjoy your special day and let them sulk. It’s your wedding, you get to say who comes. Good for you for saying no children if that’s what you want.

Again, her family are attempting to use emotional blackmail to get their own way at her wedding.

She is well rid of them.

“Someone else’s daughter”? The daughter of their child! Not Doreen from the Co-Op’s daughter!

We had a child-free wedding. It was local and the hall could only seat 75 for the meal. My cousins are prolific reproducers and have several children (5+) with several partners each. We literally couldn’t have invited them as it would have left us no space for close friends or even some other family members. We said we would have cousins (which included a 13yo and a 15yo) but couldn’t extend that to cousin’s children. If we’d have invited the cousins 12+ children then it wouldn’t have been fair to ask friends not to have their children..if our friends could have even made the list. We had a more liberal policy for both the church part and the ‘after meal’ numbers and included everyone including some of our parents friends etc. Sometimes, you just can’t it if some of your relatives have 5 children each. They all understood once we had explained that we would have had them but were limited by the capacity of the venue, and that they were welcome after. Sometimes explaining it on a cost/venue level helps some people to understand the decision making.

Me too! I don’t know why I chose child free! Just seemed the done ring at the time. In hindsight I think it was a real shame

On the one hand, it's your wedding and as long as you didn't needle your sister to find childcare and accepted her decline gracefully, there should be no problem.

On the other hand, I can't imagine arranging a wedding, which is supposed to be a celebration of starting your own family (Whether you want kids or not), in such a way that 4+ of my close family aren't invited. Presumably you send the kids birthday and Christmas cards and they love you and so I can't see why you'd go out of your way to not invite them.

Whst i mean is that my starting point is "I'm getting married and I want to celebrate with the people I love, therefore I need to save up and find a venue that works for the X number of guests."

Rather than "I want x venue and see my family as a way to cut costs on a pretty party".

I suspect your grandparents are of the generation where people put family before photos and pricey venues. I know times have changed but I suspect that's why they feel that way.

Why did you not have any options for childcare?

No guessing the golden child in that family...

I don’t get the hysteria on here about kids not being invited to weddings. It’s a long boring day of people sitting around boozing and talking and then dancing around pissed into the small hours. It’s one day and it’s barely suitable for adults never mind children. The only people who want children there is their parents who then try to fob them off on some granny or aunt so they can get pissed. If she can’t find a babysitter in 11 months she’s got bigger problems. Let them howl and rage about something that’s none of their business and they’re not paying for. Absolutely ridiculous, manipulative, and childish.

We have no options for childcare either.

But that’s our issue. We don’t expect people to plan their events with our situation and children as a priority.

How do you find a "babysitter" for an entire day, for 4 children, ranging from 2 to 6?

Seriously? Are you going to ask a local 17 year old? Is mum going to happily take off for the day, leaving her children with someone they don't know? Will she use an agency charging about £25 per hour? Does it matter if she uses a nursery worker, who has no experience of older kids?

Not everyone has a family network or relationships with friends who would look after kids for the day. And not everyone can afford it.

This idea that sorting a "babysitter" is easy is beyond crazy.

What happens if you need to be in hospital, or if both of you are injured in an accident?

You've literally just listed a few easy ways. I don't understand the insistence that it's so impossible.
Plenty of time to work on a network of friends/school mums to trade babysitting with if they don't have one already.

I would never have guessed that requesting no kids at your wedding would be taken to mean 'and I don't care if that means their parents can't come'. I'm sorry that's how your auntie and grandparents have chosen to take it OP. Yes I'm sure it's difficult to find a babysitter for four small children, but as others have said, she has a very long time to arrange it.

Still, for me this wouldn't be worth falling out over. You could take it as a chance to shift the family dynamic a bit and be the bigger person. Could you offer to help find/pay for a nanny or something (just for your auntie obvs, not everyone with kids!)?

As for your grandparents, they seem to be enjoying the drama a bit too much, with their "don't talk to us any further, take us off the guest list." So I'd do just that, even if you do sort out a babysitter for your (apparently helpless) auntie. Leave her to tell them.

And that’s before you take into account any family members who would have done it but are going to be at the wedding!