Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

Yeah this is a sensible thing to do 😂

I'm so sorry that happened to you!

I think there's a huge overlap between people complaining about child free weddings and people who don't parent their children - if parents could be trusted to control their children and take them outside immediately if they start crying, people would be more likely to invite them

Modern parenting does not equal rowdy kids, crap parenting does.

Parents should be doing their jobs and kids should be prepped for the occasion, of course some kids might call out, or ask a silly question loudly during the ceremony, that's just what kids do, everyone laughs, mum or dad shh them and it continues.

SEN is an entirely different situation and that family should have considered whether the child would cope and if they wanted to what adjustments could be be put in place to help them. I've been to a wedding where one child wore ear defenders and sunglasses so not to get over stimulated and were sat near a door so they could easily exit if they needed some space.

Having such low expectations of children, or any opportunities to show us what they are capable of, are not doing them any favours. No wonder kids are growing up unprepared for life.

No we know why you are so pro child free weddings. I can’t understand why the parents didn’t take child out of the room if they were making loads of noise. That was very inconsiderate of them at such a critical point in the day. I would have been very annoyed with them.
However personally I would have invited children within the family to my wedding but it was in 2020 during covid times so there was only us, our 2 DC, sister and a best friend. No reception either.
The OP’s family are being rude about her choice.

"Child-free weddings seem huge on here but IRL I don't know anyone who would tell relatives they can't bring their kids to a big family event like a wedding."

Exactly, I read MN and they all act like it's the norm to exclude children from weddings which are supposed to be family celebrations.

One threw up across the entire dance floor and one cried for an hour. The parents complained about all the 'inappropriate' music and then asked why there was nothing they liked to eat. It was altogether super annoying.

Would have been far better to either allow 'all' children and cater for them specifically or allow none. And I wanted a nighttime event without vomit (my family doesn't really drink so the vomit was 100% the kids)

Your wedding = your rules. Tough if auntie doesn’t like it. Do your grand parents always take her side with things?

I'm going to counter that with a really sweet example of what joy kids can bring to a wedding. My dd (3 at the time) was sat chatting with myself and a few friends including the bride (my friend) one of my other friends was talking to her about disney princesses and asked her who her favourite princess is. She pointed at the bride. 🥰 If a kid is disrupting a wedding it's bad parenting not bad kids. The parents should know to remove them.

YANBU - I did exactly the same thing. It's your wedding and you don't have to have kids there if you don't want to. I am sure people will come around nearer the time. IMHO kids ruin weddings - their parents can't relax and have to run around after them all day, they interrupt vows and are a pain. All the adults at my wedding said how much they enjoyed being able to let their hair down without their kids. I do feel for those who can't find sitters but that's not your problem. Unless you chose to maybe hire a sitter to be close by for the day?

Writing as a parent, I'd be delighted to have a day without mine to drink and socialise!

A wedding is just two people getting married. They aren't "supposed to be" anything other than that

They are not attending to make a point that they don't agree with the decision to exclude children from a wedding which is supposed to be a family celebration. Mumsnet now acts like child free weddings are the norm, they are not. Weddings are a celebration of families coming together not an opportunity for the bride to be so self absorbed in search of the perfect Instagram shot. They are willing to upset family members and so short sighted for that "perfect" day.

OP has decided having a child free weddings is important to her, grandparents have decided that including family members including kids is important to them. OP can enjoy her wedding and move on.

I don't agree with the shouting and drama but OP has every right to exclude kids from her wedding and they have every right to decline the invitation if it goes against their family values.

I agree with you 100% in theory, on all of this - and the family of that poor wee mite were in no way prepared for the occasion to meet his needs. I've two ND kids myself and I had a chat with them after about some of the things that might help, exactly the kinds of things you suggested. I think they're in that place where they don't want their child to appear "different" - but he is, and he needs those accommodations at this age.

The problem we had is that in our families there's, ahem, a wide range of parenting styles, from the progressive but still with decent boundaries to the completely hands off, do what you like. We couldn't really discriminate and only invite the kids whose parents we knew weren't crap! And that's where a lot of folk find themselves these days I think, and so you end up just saying no kids so you don't end up with the ones you know have zero boundaries tearing up the place 😬

Child free wedding is obviously your choice. However they baffle me as weddings ( to me) are about families coming together, celebrating and enjoying themselves in a fun social atmosphere. That's all the family, if some want to get a baby sitter while they go to a wedding that's fine.

What do people class as children at a wedding? Are they saying no 17 year olds, no primary aged kids? No babies in arms?

If the Royals have kids at their weddings and aren't scared for their weddings to be disrupted, I don't see why average people make such a fuss about having childfree weddings

Your family sounds like they’re overreacting. It’s your right to have a child-free wedding, although obviously you have to accept that people with children may choose not to attend.
Your grandparents are definitely being unreasonable- missing their granddaughter’s wedding because another family member is upset that they can’t bring children is bonkers.

She doesn't need to cave in to it, but she should also stop the crying, own her decision and move on knowing the relationship with those family members is fractured but hey she got the perfect wedding.

Yeah because it’s not as if the royals would have private nannies there to look after the kids. What a ridiculous comparison.

But hang on - what you said actually backs up my comment. Everyone thought you’d change your mind; you didn’t. I’d put money on everyone believing OP will change her mind too.

I’m sure that as well as wanting to avoid disruption from babies/toddlers/preschoolers there’s a cost element being considered. If you let everyone who has children bring them to the wedding, you could be ending up with 20-30+ more guests to feed.

The other family member is their daughter. I imagine her feelings trump those of one of their granddaughters.

Can't agree with you about that.

The Aunt could have just said "Sorry I won't be able to come as I'm not prepared to leave my dc with someone, not even their Dad" and that would be the end of it.
The Grandparents joining in and saying that they won't come either, is what makes it manipulative.

Why is it reprehensible of the grandparents not to come? They don’t want to.

Weddings are family occasions - they represent the arrival of a new member into the family. I've always been puzzled by the idea of child-free weddings. It's a bit like treating the children in your family as pets. Dog free weddings I get; child free ones - well, if that's what you want, but don't expect parents necessarily to attend. Some of the loveliest photographs in my collections are family weddings that include the children. Why wouldn't you? Friends' children can be a bit more complicated - it can be a matter of numbers, but otherwise - your choice, I suppose, OP, but to me is smacks of 'No children, no dogs.'

Perhaps the OP’s grandmother could sit through the ceremony clutching her pearls saying “How unlike the home life of our own dear Queen!”

Their reaction is extreme but why have you reached this decision? Is it financial?

Will they have problems getting babysitters?

Which is more important?