Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

Call their bluff. Your grandparents are behaving in an extremely manipulative manner. They are relying on you either being so upset that they’re not speaking to you, or so embarrassed at how it looks (“I can’t believe she’d upset her poor old lovely old grandparents like that!”), that you’ll give in.

They’ve got no intention of boycotting your wedding. It’s just that they think they’ll be going because their appalling emotional blackmail will work. Do what they ask and don’t speak to them any further. I bet they’ll be apoplectic when they realise you’re not going to come crawling to them.

Absolute cod

That's the risk you take with a childfree wedding. You're entitled to have your wedding however you want it. Equally, people are entitled to chose to not attend your wedding.

They’re being massively petty. But much worse than that, they’re showing massive favouritism towards their younger grandchildren. What they’re essentially saying is that it’s more important to them to have their younger grandchildren at the wedding than it is for their older granddaughter - you know, the actual bride - to have a happy wedding.

OP, what do your parents think about this? You say that all of your family live near each other, mostly in the same village. Are your extended family important to you? Are you planning on staying there and living among each other, helping each other out and socialising together? Make sure you think all of this through before you make a final decision because this won't be about just one day.

They are as the children aren't going. They are perfectly entitled to say they don't want to accept the invitation and they are entitled to be offended. They don't need permission for their feelings anymore than the OP does for hers.

You sound like the aunt who’s pissed off her offspring aren’t invited.

I mean ‘Was it really worth it just to get your own way’ …what kind of person actually thinks a bride shouldn’t have the wedding the way she wants it?

FWIW I didn’t have a child free wedding, it didn’t occur to me. A wailing brat ruined my vows though and ran over and trod on my dress whilst we we were at the alter then sat their crying, they then spent the meal running up and trying to rip my veil out, so I fully understand why people want a child free wedding, and they are perfectly entitled to have one without people throwing their toys out of their pram over it.

I'm happy to be proven wrong though with anyone's examples of how a child has actually made a wedding ceremony a less joyous occasion.
@Theworldisinyourhands see above, I’d had my dress on all of about 40 mins and it was left filthy, my hair was ruined and my veil ripped.

I don’t think it’s a trend though, it’s been happening a long time, it’s not a new thing. But the people getting married can do whatever they want, it’s their money they are spending and probably understand that people might not be able or want to come. I did go to a wedding where there were children present. One kid screamed all through the ceremony and wasn’t taking out, another kid was sick into his plate when it was the evening meal and one kid took a shit on the dance floor so yeah it made the occasion less joyous.

Weddings about 2 families coming together!! I am an only child and parents dead,there was no one "coming" from my side.. a lot of people have said they haven't seen children playing up, causing havoc, complaining about being bored, not liking the food, wanting to go home, they're lucky.. I've been to church weddings, with kids running up the isle screaming. One of my DH nieces ripped my DD beautiful dress,at sils wedding. They were old enough to behave better, frankly.. the irony is,mil actually walked out on DH when he was 7, he didn't see her for many years. There was a few more instances that made him decide on NC, weirdly the last was my DSs wedding, which they took over, although DH isn't his dad and they hadn't even seen him since we got married. They messed up this wedding as well.

So what did they do that was so truly awful? IME it's usually adults not children that cause 'drama' especially when booze is involved. I can think of a couple of weddings I've been to where adults have made total twats of themselves, literally none where children have done anything wrong

The only time I think childfree weddings are a bit unreasonable is when people don't make an exception for very young babies, especially of close family etc. They can't be with a babysitter for any length of time, especially if breastfeeding, and are generally minimally disruptive. I wouldn't complain about it, though, I'd just decline and maybe explain why. It's still totally the couple's right to choose to have the event they want. It is definitely unreasonable of your aunt to expect to bring four young kids, when most of them are presumably not tiny babies.

You are entitled to have a child free wedding. (Although I do think non-crawling/non- walking babes in arms should be exceptions).

Your family members are entitled to have/have had the wedding types they chose. Out of curiosity, did any of the moaners have child-free weddings themselves?

Sounds like they’re saving her the trouble by doing it for her.

’no kids’ on a wedding invite means ‘i don’t care if you attend or not’ to people with kids. That’s probably why they’re upset. Entirely up to you who you invite or not but the consequences are that people might feel offended

She’s upset that her aunty and grandparents are not speaking to her. I don’t think she said she’s upset that they have no chosen not to go. Never said invitations are a summon at all. It’s like a destination wedding, if you have one you have to accept not everyone can go or want to take time off work.

I wouldn't bank on it. A close relative invited someone to their wedding who had hurt me very badly so I declined the invitation. Everyone was convinced I'd change my mind but I didn't. Never mind they are divorced now and the person who hurt me is dead. In the long run it doesn't matter.

You'll be glad you weren't at the wedding I was at the other week where an autistic child had a meltdown in the middle of a church ceremony, lay on the floor screaming and nobody could move the poor wee lad. Of course he couldn't help it - he was overwhelmed with all the people, the sitting still, the loud organ noise that he hadn't heard before. It wasn't fair to put him in that situation at all, he wasn't able to cope, and not fair on the bride and groom whose ceremony was disrupted for a good 15 mins dealing with that situation.

I'm a Gen Xer and I never went to family weddings where kids weren't included when I was young, but there were strict expectations of behaviour then - the weddings were always in church, and you sat still and were quiet in church or there'd be hell to pay! Modern parenting is very different, kids are encouraged to express themselves more - not a bad thing at all, but it does mean they don't tend to be able to curb the self expression and sit still during serious occasions at as young an age as we did when I was growing up. And it's not fair to place that expectation on young children who aren't used to it, IMO, or even parents who aren't used to managing their kids in a setting where it's important they're quiet and don't disrupt things. We don't crack children round the side of the head like our grandparents would have done for talking in church any more!

My experience as well. Drunken adults are really unpleasant.

I went to some great weddings when I was a kid: peoples' houses, a farm, a couple of social clubs and a 'big house'. My extended family thought weddings were for all your family and friends. Adults wrangled the kids and we wouldn't have been allowed to be disruptive or do damage, if that's what people are scared of. We played and stuffed ourselves.

I don't think people stressed out so much about weddings, they weren't 'productions' or Insta-curated. They were solemn in the church and a tipsy laugh afterwards. No-one had weddings they couldn't afford and bride and groom were sent off in a car with Just Married written in toothpaste on the bonnet.

I'm really glad no-one had thought of 'child-free' weddings. Not my place to tell you what to do but as a pp has said this will have family repercussions long after the wedding, it's not about giving in or toxic behaviour or going no contact or any other in-the-moment resentments: responding on those grounds is only satisfying in the very short term. I would take a mature, long view and let family kids come. I think you'll be glad of that decision in later years even if you and others are angry now.

She’s upset her family aren’t speaking to her. Wedding invitations are not an obligation but I wouldn’t say she’s a crazy bridezilla because she doesn’t want Children there

Whilst children can certainly add to the atmosphere, I can understand wanting a child free wedding.

One of my relatives has a wedding video where you can hear a child loudly proclaiming "mummy, I need a poo" right as the vows are being said! We all laughed it off at the time but I can see why many wouldn't like this.

They are not being manipulative. She has taken her stand that she doesn't want kids at her wedding irrespective of any family members feelings and they have taken a stand that they will not attend a wedding where kids in the family are not invited, simple.

It's now on OP to decide that her desire for a child free wedding is more important than having her family members at the wedding. She is free to do what she wants but she doesn't get to dictate the outcome and reaction.

Actually, they are being manipulative. You either accept an invite or decline it. If the couple have decided that they do not want children at their wedding then the guests need to accept that and decline the invite if they can't get childcare. There is absolutely no need to throw a strop and stop speaking to the OP because of this.

Of course she can find a babysitter. They are all being ridiculous.

YANBU - your wedding; your rules.

Not everyone is in a position to ‘just arrange childcare’ and there have been a couple of weddings that I would have loved to attend with my DH but we’ve had to split one of us with the kids and one goes. I do think it’s a shame, they would rather children weren’t there even if it means important family members can’t come. Makes you feel small and I can’t blame them for taking it personally. Oh and one of those events I did arrange someone to have my DC and they cancelled the day before.