Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

To stop talking to you and say remove then from guest list makes them sound like children themselves.

There are only two normal responses to a child free wedding; Sure no worries we will get childcare, or , so sorry we cant make it as we cant get childcare, have a fabulous day and we will catch up to see the photos.

I think child free weddings are a comparatively new concept which would explain your grandparents reaction to it, and grandparents tend to be unfiltered in their view?! (My Nan was horrified me and my sister weren’t bridesmaids for our cousin who were saw once every few years)

It seems a bit ott for your cousin to take your childfree decision so to heart, given it’s pretty common these days!

No one has to go to the wedding if they don’t want to. Not even her grandparents. In her grandparents opinion she has been rude to family, they’re upset and don’t want to go. That’s understandable. They have different ideas about what a wedding is about compared with OP. I don’t think the grandparents are being petty.

Your aunt and grandparents need to grow up! Its your wedding and your choice, they need to stop making it all about them! Just accept that they won’t be there and enjoy your day. It’s their loss not yours.

DH and I booked Gretna green just us and 4 DKs. His m kicked off,, changed the venue and reception 3 more times to suit mil. I saw the nieces and nephews ruin my sils wedding a couple of years before, said no kids to the tiny register office we finally booked,it was small. Arranged adult childcare at our house just 15 minutes away, then the reception in a quant olde worlde pub,in our village. Wedding Saturday, Wednesday mil went on and on and on, about the kids coming.. the invites had said regrettably there wasn't room for them.i went in the living room crying my eyes out, said if mil said one more word about the wedding,it was off. I meant it.we had our honeymoon before the wedding, I couldn't afford to cancel it. The 4 kids hated the menu, not one was taken to our house and my child minder. I didn't even get to sit at the top table with DH. His brother sat one side then 2 of their kids. DH tried to remove them without making a scene. We've been married 26 years,I'm still angry and bitter, wish to god we had stuck with original idea. Needless to say,NC now for 16 years! Had enough of them.

I do agree that it is your day and your choice, but I am kind of confused as to how they are both not speaking to you, but also making "countless texts and phone calls"? I would interpret what they are saying is that you have made a decision, they have made theirs and won't be discussing it, or anything to do with the wedding, further. But equally, your principles say no children - theirs say they aren't coming. Neither of you are right or wrong, but both of those decisions have consequences. It is just as (un)reasonable of you to be upset by their decision not to come as it is for them to be upset by your decision to make it impossible for your aunt to attend.

I dunno I just think it's maybe become one of those trends that people follow without really thinking it through along with the 'my wedding my choice' mantra. I'm happy to be proven wrong though with anyone's examples of how a child has actually made a wedding ceremony a less joyous occasion.

I had a child free wedding…if people couldn’t come, then that was unfortunate. We still went ahead as planned.

Childcare for four children of that age? Difficult. Best case scenario from the children's point of view would be their fraternal grandparents, but they might not be able to care for the all unaided / safely. Four kids is a big ask. Has your aunt ever used non-family babysitters? Or even family babysitters?

What I'm trying to get at is - who did you think would be stepping up to (or being paid to) look after these four children? Or did you just have a vague non-specific 'somebody will do it' idea?

It's not getting through to people anyway lol

This - your wedding, your choice but these are the consequences and likely your aunt feels very hurt that she was being excluded due to her DCs (even if that wasn’t your intention).

Your aunty has a year to organise baby sitters so she js just pissed off that kids aren’t invited. Does she nevee go out with her partner without kids? How does she manage that? I would understand if your venue is far away but being local , she is being unreasonable and so are your grandparents.

However, is the issue you are not allowing the kids to be a part of the family day?

If you are going to have a child free wedding then you do need to accept that some people will not be able to come.

I think most people probably do accept that some people won't be able to come. What they are probably not quite so prepared for, is the resentment attached to it.

Which is fair enough, if anyone sees their wedding as just a party, or the children in their family as not important, go for it. But don't expect other members of your family to feel the same, not want to spend a fortune attending just a party, or not to be upset because they see the day as something more significant. 🤷‍♀️

Oh, come on.
The kids don't have to be together. I know plenty of people with multiple kids who still manage breaks and to attend adult parties without this much consternation.

Older kid goes to grandparents or aunt/uncle, nanny comes to stay with the two little ones. Or two little ones are watched by aunt and uncle while older stays with a friend, or whatever.

We don't even know that this wedding requires travel or an overnight stay. If they can't muster childcare for seven or eight hours, to attend the ceremony and the meal, there is something wrong.

If you decide on a child free wedding, then there will be people who cannot come. What happened with your aunt? Did she politely decline, and you accepted with grace, or did she try to change your mind, or did you not accept her declining with grace? How has it got to this?

Fwiw I did not go to my cousin's wedding because I had a clingy toddler and the wedding would have required an overnight stay and I did not want to leave my child overnight. Maybe things were said behind my back, maybe they weren't, but hey ho.

I do think that this idea/hope/fantasy that weddings are not about family is unrealistic. Two families are coming together as well as two individuals, and this will become abundantly clear as the years go by. Birthdays, Christmases, school concerts - all lovely things to share with family. May as well start as you mean to go on ........... if you mean to go on with excluding folk, then that is fine; if you would like to go on with a cohesive loving family behind you in life's ups and downs ...............

It is so sad that the OP's decision about her (their?) wedding has caused such a rift, but not inviting family members is bound to give offence to some.

Are these people with whom you have had a difficult relationship in the past OP? Did you have any inkling that your decision might cause problems and upset for them?

It is hard I know - you want your wedding to be all about you; but in reality that is perhaps not what weddings are about. There is a bigger picture, both in terms of wider and family and over time.

It took me quite a few years to recognize that the union of two people in love is also by default the union of two families.

I hope you can resolve this with no more tears, but we all have to take the consequences of our actions. The consequence of your decision is a family rift that could drag on and on. Maybe it is not worth it.

They aren't a new concept. I am 62 and my parents in the 60s went to plenty of childfree. The only one I recall attending was the afternoon church ceremony of my uncle's; we were taken to that, and then our grandparents on my dad's side picked us up and took us to their home. The reception was adult's only.

I have never been to a family wedding where family children were not invited. I have never seen carnage.

My family must be odd in that their children do not cause carnage and are actually liked and welcomed at family events. Maybe it is because they are actually welcomed.

Exactly plenty of time to save up for a babysitter or earn some favours from friends. "I don't want to" isn't interchangeable with "I can't".
This is how people end up miserable and isolated with small children - they don't make an effort to build a reciprocal community or find good paid help.

Mine would have been much, much better without the 2 kids I eventually invited after my mother in law threw a fit about it. One of my few regrets about the day!

I don't really understand the 'weddings are a family occasion' thing though. I just wanted to have a fun party without any drama.

I’d just cancel go on holiday & elope. Fuck them.

I think that’s reasonable. We chose to get married with two witnesses and not tell anyone for years, and to accept that that might upset some people. (In fact it didn’t, but we’d thought about it and were accepting of the potential consequences.)

Why no kids? How will they spoil your wedding? I’m genuinely interested.

Why do you hate children? Are you planning on having any?

I’ve been to a few weddings where there have been babies, up to teens. They really enjoyed themselves and it was lovely to see so many generations of family celebrating the couple, including us.

I’m of that last generation where we organised our weddings with the comfort and happiness of our guests in mind. Where we used it as an opportunity to bring joy to our families by creating a lovely day where multiple generations and friends came together and spent time which each other whilst looking their best and being fed and watered. Just buy us a toaster or some tea towels Aunty Vera, don’t worry about it so long as you are there.

Now it’s no children invited, hen dos in Prague and schlepping hundreds of miles away to some fancy hotel for a wedding that costs your guests a fortune.

So, work it out. How much is YOUR wedding costing others? Are there taxis involved, overnight stays, babysitters, outfits, presents, time off work? It’s costing your guests money for you to get married and you have no flexibility for them.

I’ve told my DH I’m not going to any more weddings his side because their level of entitlement is off the scale.

Absolutely agree with this. We were not raised to believe that we were entitled to an invite to everything, and we didn't raise our kids that way either. Result? Two teens who are better at coping with the normal, expected disappointments of life than even their neurotypical peers who have been raised by the kinds of parents who kick off when they or their children don't get everything they want.

I also can't imagine kicking off because my children didn't get an invite to something and then feeling in any way comfortable about then getting one solely because I kicked off, rather than because the person actually wants me/my kids there.

Kids can cope with feeling disappointed or sad, if the adults around them model proportionate responses to those things.