Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

I don't get child free weddings personally, having family there is the main thing surely? But it is your wedding so if one day means this sort of falling out I'm sure it'll be worth it.

Not surprised at all these comments saying op is wrong, it shows how selfish you are. This is ops weddings, she can do what she like. Comments about “when she has children one day” are stupid. What if op can’t have kids or doesn’t want kids. Op don’t listen to this idiots . There are clearly very selfish and attention seeking if they can’t realise this is your wedding. They are very petty and childish

There are no objective social rules about "what weddings are about".

It's literally just a party, the bride and groom have a right to celebrate (or not) how ever they choose.

No main thing is two people getting married. Family do not have to be involved. Why is that so hard for you to understand? Not everyone wants children there? It isn’t a hard concept

No, they aren't necessarily about "bringing family together." To some people it's just an elegant party. In my family and friends circle, kids are not just "mini people," they are juveniles who aren't the social equals of adults. They don't have the same abilities, responsibily or accountability as adults, and they don't get all the perks, privileges and experiences as adults.

Insisting upon dragging them along to an evening party is absurd, especially if they are under 11 or 12.

Ok. Well, then why is the OP upset that those that have been inconvenienced by this aren't coming. Getting married doesn't give people the carte blanche to be awful to their guests unless they don't want them there.

She’s done what she wants, that’s been said.

But she doesn’t like the fact her guests have done what they want.

Are you saying the invitation is a summons?

Unfortunately, no, people are not "entitled to the wedding they want" when they haven't thought it through properly. The issue is when people want a picture perfect wedding in a fancy venue AND want family there but no children. They can't have that if people don't want to or can't come without their kids.

And this does seem to confuse and upset a lot of people who don't realise that by prioritising venue/perfection/ whatever, they might need to sacrifice who attends. And then realise too late that maybe they didn't think through the consequences and their real priorities.

I think you need to read the OP again. She's not upset her aunt isn't coming, she's upset her grandparents are giving her the silent treatment to try force her into inviting her aunts children.

It’s not unkind. It’s her wedding. Why can’t people understand that.

OP isn’t upset that her aunt isn’t coming, she’s upset that her aunt and her grandparents are giving her silent treatment.

Seriously, is it really that hard?

Cross post!

But then why is she upset that her family don't want to come? It's not an obligation to pander to all the crazy bridezilla requests

because there would be no one else for them to interact with, no childcare provisions and 2 hour sit down meal. its a set up for carnage

But you don’t have to get it. You might think Childfree weddings are boring and some people might think children there will be horrible. We are allowed to have different opinions.

Entirely up to you who you invite to your wedding, it's your choice. But the adults you invite also have a choice. Sounds like your auntie isn't prepared to pay child care for four young children, so has decided not to go. Grandparents ( presumably your aunties parents) have also decided they won't attend if their grandchildren aren't invited. They probably view weddings as whole family occasions and it's obviously upset them. You can't tell people how to feel, so plan the wedding you want and make peace with the fact that your auntie and grandparents probably won't be there as guests.

Very few people "can't" come without kids, given an actual year's notice to sort out childcare. Either from the other side of the family, a hired carer, a nursery worker, friend, uni student, etc.

It's just disingenuous to say that it's not possible. At least own it, because we all know it IS possible in 99 percent of cases. (Please don't trot out 'what if the kids have SEN' ' we can't afford a sitter' etc. - with a year's notice, you can.)

They aren't doing it because they don't "wan't" to. However, their "wan't" doesn't trump the marrying couple's "wan't" of a childfree wedding.

I doubt the bride cares whether or not these entitled and self-absorbed parents attend, but their swaying the grandparents' decision is quite scurvy.

Proceed without any of them, OP. They aren't worth it.

Cancel wedding here and piss off to Vegas it's what I did the minute people started umming and aahing over everything. I personally don't get the child free thing, but it seems that it's common these days. Anyway I've been married 35 years, and relatives got over it lol. Although it did cause a bit of controversy at the time.

Is this thread being targeted by a wall of the perpetually stupid?

The OP being abused over her choice, by her own family, is revolting.

She's not upset about them, she's upset that her grandparents, who do not have young uninvited children, have chosen sides. That's reprehensible of them, and I'd wash my hands of them from now onward. They've shown their true colors.

the perpetually child-centric, apparently. Imagine having such a teeny tiny life that one cannot imagine a single childfree evening.

I was on the receiving end of abuse from family (mainly GPs) that was never healed following the decision I made to take my child to my fathers funeral.
They didn't attend and never spoke to me again.

Depends how much you want the relationship really.
Children are often the catalyst for family feuds (plenty on here).

Personally I didn't miss the relationship and neither did my child.

Only you can decide how you feel. 🏵

Crikey you know some feral children and lax parenting,

I’ve been to many weddings with children and no issues occurred.

I also don´t understand these childfree weddings. But each to their own. I don´t agree with the grandparents being vindictive either. But then, this is a sensitive issue. The op decided that the principle of a childfree wedding was above her aunt and other people being able to attend and she was prepared for the fallout and saying to auntie "awww so sorry you can´t attend". What she didn´t expect was for gp to kick off. But such is life, we can´t control everything.

Your Auntie has 11 months to find a sitter, if she can't do that then really she obviously doesn't want to go enough. Your grandparents are being unreasonable small children at weddings would be difficult if that's not the vibe you want. Your day, your money and your choice.
I would put the ball back in their court, saying you are disappointed that they won't attend however it is what it is.
I have kids by the way so I am not some child hater, I can understand why ppl might not want kids at their wedding running around and being attention seeking, it's not really enjoyable for them is it.