Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

Oh what a shame there is no other family to babysit the children.

These are cousins of yours, not even nieces and nephews.

11 months and Aunty is unable to find a Nanny agency to supply a Nanny for the day, you really must live somewhere very remote as such a thing is available even down here in deepest darkest Devon.

Or of course she could ask the staff at Nursery or School if one of them could look after the children for the day...

i think anyone with 4 small children won't be able to attend a child free wedding. i would factor that into my choice, i assume you did and were happy with it but didn't think your grandparents wouldn't come.

Theyre being outrageous, they have a father I assume.

In an ideal world this would be the case. Choosing to have a child-free wedding involves accepting that some of those invited will not attend. That's their decision, just as the child-free wedding is the couple's.

What's not acceptable, on either wide, is tears, sulks and refusing to speak to people as a result of that decision. No way would I capitulate to that kind of manipulation. A non-apology of 'I'm sorry you feel that way', without in any way changing your decision, seems in order here.

I would rather have a child full wedding with everyone I love there and happy. If a child free wedding is causing you this much upset already then is it really worth it? Your whole day is already being spoilt by your upset grandparents and if they aren’t there will you be totally happy? Because ultimately that is really important, regardless of who is in the right or wrong. Marriage involves a fair bit of compromise so it might be time to start now.

tbh, my family is very traditional with weddings and would have been upset if I put in restrictions than meant close family (I'd count cousins as close) couldn't attend an important family event. It has never happened, no idea how they would respond if it did.

Of course it your wedding, you have the control. Decisions have consequences and if you are close to your family you must have seen the upset coming.

Sums it up well.

Is there more context here? Are your GP usually wonderful people? Or are they often controlling?

Would inviting children, mean inviting dozens of children?

@Summerinsicily Are these the only children in your family?

5 year olds and 3 year olds don't need to be at a bloody wedding all day, especially as there's no other children going.

taking 4 kids 5 and under to a wedding isn't reasonable at all.

Do you want them there? Is it worth allowing their children to come? Sounds like they're upset because they desperately wantnto come. Be prepared for some not to come, because some people cannot afford baby sitters (especially when there's multiple children).

Your family are acting crazy. Why can’t she get a babysitter if it’s 11 months away? You can also say no to a wedding invite without kicking off. Stand your ground don’t let these idiots dictate what you can do at your own wedding. Only ones being selfish are these crazy fuckers

Sad and petty they haven’t spoken in 20 years over a wedding invitation. Acting like children

On a personal note, given how aunt and grandparents have behaved, I would still go ahead with the child free wedding and be glad that I don't have them to deal with again.

Why does OP need to accept silent treatment and being ganged up on by her family?

The only sane response to that sort of abusive behaviour is to distance yourselves from these kind of people.

I didn't say it was appropriate, I was just saying they're supporting their daughter.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. If you want a child free wedding then that's your choice. They don't have to like it. If I was you I'd just say I'm sorry you can't make it. End of.

Don't engage in the drama. Just rinse and repeat. My wedding is childfree. I'm sorry you can't make it. I'll catch up with you another time.

But that’s your family, can you understand my all family’s are close. Even if they are she can have the wedding she wants.

The trash took itself out.

Good thing you found out how these arseholes really feel about you, before you invest any more time and energy with them.

Some people act almost gleeful at being able to take offence.

Ignore them, from now on.

Why should they be allowed to inconvenience her? Perhaps the wedding reception is being held at a formal restaurant or hotel, or other venue not suitable for young children.

People are entitled to have the celebration they want. Anyone who can't occasionally muster themselves up for a childfree event isn't trying very hard.

I think it’s wrong of your Aunty and Grandparents to stop speaking to you over it, but I understand them not wanting to come to the wedding. I think deliberately child free weddings kind of miss the whole point of marriage as a social institution.

So then call it what is it, abusive behaviour.

I had a smallish wedding with neices and nephews invited only. So no cousins children because it would've increased the numbers a lot.

People make weddings really difficult, and if they saw some children are invited but not theirs, they get offended. It's easier to have consistent rules because once you break them for 1 person, everyone wants to be an exception too.

What if she doesn’t want kids or can’t have kids. Saying one day when you have your own is a stupid comment

Why ever not?

Weddings are primarily about bringing two families together and families include children. Weddings are an important part of our culture that children can experience from their early years to learn and see the importance and true meaning of a wedding event.

It’s not really a summing up when you ignore that these people are NOT respecting OP’s choice.