Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

Agree with this

They are wrong to stop speaking to her because of her choices. That is manipulative.

However - I have never understood excluding the children of close family, on such a special day.

One would also have to have plenty of spare money to “source and test” a reputable carer for 4 young children that she needs for this one childfree family (or not) event.

If you choose child free you must realise this will cause a lot of upset. I certainly wouldn’t have left my children to attend a wedding, thankfully our friends and family realised weddings are better with children

I think you are wrong. I've been to some very boring adult only weddings. Certain guests took the absence of children to mean they behaved appallingly and on one occasion a pair of couples got asked to leave by the brides parents because they were so upset by the language being used. I think of the weddings where children have been present and they have been much more pleasant. I have even found myself pulled in as a last minute reserve attendee at a wedding because the wives/partners of the grooms rugby mates all pulled out because no children were invited. So we shared a table with 6 pretty nice blokes who didn't have a single partner between them in attendance and who had all been informed that they wouldn't be able to phone home to be picked up either. One of them explained that he'd be forking out quite a bit for his taxi home later.

Let the dust settle still send the invites and see if grandparents feelings change in 4 months time etc.

We had a "child free" wedding but allowed direct family children and "babes in arms" so we ended up with 4 kids my nephew, my DHs nephews.
Honestly my nephew had a ball and the others I didn't even realise they had made it until they came to say hi.

What I'm saying OP is yes it's your day but will you notice 4 kids if you say to your aunty if they start up during the ceremony then please take them out?!

That sounds amazing! Unfortunately, not everyone would be able to afford to do this. Wonderful idea though.

Rise above it - don't bow down the the drama. She is your aunt not your sister. I had no children at my wedding bar both sides siblings children, But even my won sister found a abbaysitter for her then three year olds. She has plenty of notice to get a childminder. If you get any questions about it just change the subject, i am not talking about it
PS i would be keeping very very quiet on any details of your wedding so not to get more drama

Why don't they (auntie / uncle & grandparents) work out a shift-system so one of them stays with the kids for different parts of the wedding, while the others attend? If they're' willing to not attend at all, they should be willing to be flexible.

I had a child free wedding but then I did allow just my sister to bring her two under 3 because she wasn't able to come otherwise.

Child-free holidays make sense, but weddings are de facto family occasions. What are people doing at these things that's so unsuitable for children? Watching porn?

who said anything about being "unsuitable" for children?

It's more often that the children are "unsuitable" to the event 😂.
If the bride and groom want a grown-up day, it's perfectly reasonable.

Could you also arrange a family get together so everyone is included
my daughter was married abroad last year but is having a get together for the family and friends that didn’t attend I’m sure everyone would pitch in
and it could be multi-generational

If she doesn’t have a babysitter then she doesn’t have a babysitter, it doesn’t matter how much time she has. I’d never leave my children with a hired babysitter in a million years. I’ll only ever leave them with my mum or sil. Presumably all of the people who could potentially look after the 4 children for the whole evening will be at the wedding.

Your family sound horrible, OP.
You will have a much happier wedding day without them.

I haven't read the full thread but I'm always shocked about how much stress and family issues weddings cause in this country. I'm from a different culture and for us a wedding is a family event, an opportunity to stand in front of your family and friends and mark the beginning of your life together as a married couple. It's an opportunity to celebrate with those closest and dearest to you. The concept of excluding relatives and making it difficult for close family members to attend is very foreign to me. Where I'm from people bend over backwards to ensure their closest people can attend. As my father once said - is it a wedding or is a party? There is a huge difference between the two.

It is entirely up to you how you want to celebrate your marriage but you need to consider if you want your family to participate in and witness this important moment in your life. Your wedding day is one day, your relationship with your family is forever.

This is in it in a nutshell really.

I had a child free wedding about ten years ago. My brother told me his wife was really upset about not being able to bring her toddler. I said I was sorry she was upset...and left it that.

She then Brought Her Child anyway!! I didn't notice in the church but was told weeks later that he had been crying and fussing in in the church. She kept her child there until midnight! She avoided me and I was told later that she had been criticising me during the day. There are some people who just want to make everything about themselves.

I have four children and have always managed to find a sitter when needed. Especially when there is plenty of notice. What do these people do (who can't find a sitter) if they had to go into hospital or if there is some sort of emergency?!

The silent treatment, etc tells you all you need to know about these people. If they genuinely cared about you they would politely decline and wish you well with the day.

Also, if everything is local why can't the Aunt go to part of the day (the service, etc while the Grandparents mind the kids) and then let the Grandparents go to the evening part? But honestly I wouldn't get into negotiations with them. Keep things simple...hope you have an amazing day.

I'm not sure what bit you are referring to that I am wrong? I don't have an opinion either way on children being invited or not - lucky enough I haven't witnessed any appalling behaviour at either. I just said there is often a variety of reasons children are left out - it's not because they are not liked.

You are welcome to inform me exactly what bit I'm wrong about? x

@StupidBoy in the real non Mumsnet world it isn’t how it’s done, most weddings include children especially family. I’ve been to many many weddings and none have been child free, my dc is married recently and had family kids there, my dsd is planning around school holidays so to include the kids. Real people actually like their families

You wouldn't. So what?

Many nursery workers offer to babysit at the weekend, it's often very possible to hire a babysitter than the little one already know, and who is safe.

And again, if the Auntie doesn't want to accept, no one is making her. It's her behaviour and her tantrum that are unacceptable.

You can imagine how the little darlings are raised!

This is why you are better off eloping - that’s what we did.

Everybody will have an opinion even though it’s your special day to have as you please.

Although it’s obviously sad for you that family are behaving in this childish way by ignoring you to try and force you to do what they want, don’t lose sight of the fact that it is yours and your partners special day. I think it’s the one time in life you should definitely have things the way you want them, it’s really not about anybody else.

As MN always says: it's an invitation, not a summons. They have every right not to attend.

I think child free weddings either work or they don’t. In my family for example, there are 8 children and should I get re married next month and say that I wanted a child free wedding then I wouldn’t actually have much family at all there. I would have no siblings and only two of four of my own adult children and just two of my friends. Everybody else has children. And I love those children, so it absolutely would be a wedding filled with kids as they are part of my family.

and its totally your choice to do kid free but on the flip side if that coin you have to accept that some people may think you are intentionally trying to exclude members of your family from a family celebration. So it’s hardly a big surprise that it can cause a fall out?

Maybe they didn't want their wedding to be "very family focused" and as it's their wedding day that's their choice.

Really? Crazy to have no one who can care for 4 children under 6?!

My own mother won’t care for my 3 kids together - it’s a tall ask of someone.

Your grandparents sounds horrid, I would cancel. Go abroad & spend the money on yourself.

I live in the real world, and have been to more child-free weddings than wedding with children involved.

When the parents are considerate, it's not that bad, but when you have gentle parents and unruly kids, it's a disruption to stay polite.