Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

Wow! Fair play to your child. How did your sibling react?

I have not been invited to many weddings my parents went to when I was a child, I can happily report that none of my siblings or I have been traumatised. We could not care less, then or now.

Beautifully put.

It is absolutely unreasonable to give silent treatment to someone just because they didn’t invite your young dc to their wedding.

How can you think this is acceptable behaviour?

Seriously? Screw everyone and elope to Vegas. That's what I'd do 🤷‍♀️

Of course you are perfectly entitled to have a child free wedding however that comes with a consequence that people you would like to be there won’t attend as they either can’t get childcare or don’t want to leave their children to attend a wedding. They are also perfectly within their rights not to come if that’s the case. You must be able to see that they might feel upset about missing out - it would be naive to think that some of your close relatives wouldn’t be disappointed.

People deciding not to come is one thing, including your grandparents and creating a rift is another.

The problem with family weddings is all your possible back up babysitting help are in the one room!!

Weddings have escalated to ridiculous proportions in the UK - as have Bridezillas.

Those children are very young and to expect someone to care for them all is a big ask. I agree with your aunt.

I think the whole idea of wedding is so different now. In the days when the Brides family paid for most of the costs of the wedding, because people married younger and would not have ability to pay for it themselves, the parents would get to say who was invited and certainly growing up all weddings I attended had babies and children in attendance because the attitude was the wedding was the joining of the two families and there is no lower age to being part of that celebration.

Clearly you see a wedding as something different and adult only. Your grand parents and aunt are entitled to decide not to attend. You need to accept that. As is often stated on mn. 'It is an invitation to a wedding not a summons'.

I don't think the majority of people who don't invite kids to a wedding actually don't like kids. Sometimes it's due to them costing money per head that they can't afford or any number of reasons.

And I think your message - It’s just not worth the effort to go sit amongst a bunch of stuffy adults that don’t like kids enough to invite them - speaks volumes and maybe you're the reason they haven't invited your children!

Yanbu. Your grandparents are being rude and manipulative. Your aunt is not unreasonable o jot attend with four kids at home, but she is also been extremely rude at how she’s encouraging a family split. Keep cool, keep calm, plan your wedding and invite other adults to come.
(I have four children and had a wedding full of kids and YANBU!)

I wouldn't expect anyone to be able to find a babysitter for 4 kids under 5, especially if all possible family babysitters are attending the wedding. With kids that age, you can't really book a sitter for the day and just leave them to it, you have to get them used to them which means additional childcare cost on top of the 12 hours for the wedding.

As for the reaction, I think there tend to be two camps with weddings, those who see it as the couple's day and a celebration of them, and those who view it as a joining of two families. Your GPs overreaction is because they fall into the latter camp and think you're excluding your cousins, and by extension your aunt, from your definition of family. It's also why some people can get extremely upset at Great Aunt Beryl being left off the invite list when uni friends are invited.

Don’t give in to this behaviour OP. Yes some will be put out due to no children.

It is their choice not to attend and to react as intensely (and rude if we call it what it is). Additionally your grandparents who are being equally rude is unacceptable ….remember you HAVE invited your aunt and she has chosen not to come. Does she have form for demanding and getting her own way or pushing peoples boundaries?

No children is a normal request made by many at their wedding so don’t be made to feel any guilt whatsoever because of one bad egg!! This is your day not hers.

Yes some will be upset but if they take it personally that is on them.

As PPs have said, plenty of time left for your dramatic Aunt to find childcare if she has FOMO to the extent she’d cause ill will before your wedding!!!

Dont pay any notice to your grandparents and if they speak to you harshly again tell them in no uncertain terms old age is no excuse for bad manners! If they themselves choose not to attend as a way to strong arm you it to a demand from this Aunt then stand strong you are allowed boundaries especially on a day such as this!!! Again this is your day not theirs!

Keep the day and your boundaries in place. Start your married life as you mean to go on.

@Summerinsicily is your aunt more upset over her kids not getting an invite, or the fact she won’t be able to attend?

I can understand her being hurt over her children not being invited, as they are family and weddings are family celebrations, not an “Adults only” party.

Would you be happy for the wedding to go ahead without your aunt there? Or would you be sad on the day?

Don’t try and worry too much - there’s 11 months to sort this all out.

it's not a compromise at all, it's being bullied into having a wedding you don't want!

With a year's notice, anyone who says they can't sort childcare just isn't making a good faith effort. One would have to be truly incompetent to not be able to source and test out a reputable carer in that span of time.

Instead they are taking a selfish, naricissistic ideological stand and using you and your wedding to do so. They have zero identity outside of motherhood and take any suggestion that their precious offspring aren't welcome as a threat to their own meagre self-worth.

You don't need people like that in your life. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a childfree wedding; don't let them persuade you otherwise. If your grandparents choose to miss it too, oh well.

Just calmly say "Thanks for letting me know. We'll miss you." And move on. This need not spoil your plans.

This is always the risk you take when you stipulate a child free wedding. People from older generations won't understand it and think you are selfish and up yourself and have got your priorities all wrong. People who can't get childcare (especially when they are actually your family rather than just some acquaintance from work) will feel put out, and very hard done by.

Did you not expect this? Everyone should expect this. It would be flipping amazing if not one single guest with young children made a fuss about it. You chose it, so you need to face up to the consequences.

Either change your mind about the children to stick to your guns and brazen it out. Say to your GPs I am sorry you don't understand this but it's the way it's almost always done these days. It means a lot for me to have you there, but if you'd rather miss your own DGD's wedding to make a stand over it, then I respect your choice and I am sorry you won't be there. I'll come round for a cup of tea with the photos as soon as I can.

They'll come round.

I have three small children. If I were invited to a child-free wedding, my husband would have them so I could go. If he was working, I wouldn’t be able to go.
I’d send a gift and an apology and wish you well.

But there are so many people who seem to have main-character syndrome. It’s not your issue. Don’t be bullied by your own family. Have your wedding your way.

Congratulations 🥂

I really don't understand a lot that happens at modern weddings. Spending enormous amounts of money on one day comes to mind.
Paying for evening events, DJs, suppers, is another.

Wedding breakfast, £60 a head plus booze. Pretty wedding cake ££££.

I don't mind the cost of the dress though 😁

It's a helluva lot of money, a house deposit in many cases.

Why is it unreasonable for the GP not to come? Surely if it’s OP’s choice what type of wedding to have, it’s equally the GP’s choice whether it’s the type of event they want to attend?

The op has asked for opinions on a public forum, so your pert little quip is beyond weird.

You’ve made your choice and these are the consequences. You’ve invited people but they don’t have to come if they think you’re being a knob, which they seem to. I hope the childfree vision of your wedding is worth it.

We have limited family support so have to pick our nights out carefully or pay a lot of money for babysitting /childcare. Obviously I would do that to attend a wedding, but I wouldn't appreciate being told I should be grateful for the opportunity - I'd prefer to pick my own nights out thanks very much!

I feel sorry for you, OP. That is plenty of choice to sort childcare, especially if the wedding is held locally.

We had a wedding a 2-hour flight away and we said 'no kids' apart to my SIL's 2 kids. To be fair, most of our friends at that point didn't have children and we 'allowed' babies/young toddlers to come as we were abroad (and put on 2 young childminders in a separate room). But if you're not abroad, surely it should be easy for those with kids to find a babysitter for the evening.

I always thought everyone would be more relaxed if no very young kids (especially the parents!). As it turned out, the parents who came were delighted it was 'child free' and those who had babies were much more relaxed too (as there were childminders on hand and they could relax rather than constantly focusing on their baby).

I've been to weddings where I brought my own toddler along (they were invited) and it really wasn't very relaxing at all. Plus for many it's an issue of then having to choose a much larger venue which is another expense.

Best of luck with it all!