To be sad over this or am I overreacting?

[maria2bela1]

It’s my birthday today. I have young children. Whenever my birthday approaches my husband always mentions getting me a present but then talks about savings and money, so I just say don’t get me anything. In the past presents or days out always have to be prompted by me so these days I just give up and think forget it. My kids came and gave me hug and kiss and said happy birthday this morning, but I couldn’t help but feel sad that he didn’t even get them a card to give to me or a little bunch of flowers. Whilst having breakfast he said oh I didn’t know what to get you (been married over a decade) and I’ll get you something, I just said no problem don’t worry. I was really upset as on his birthdays and Father’s Day I always get him presents. He usually makes comments like ‘oh what you getting for my birthday then’ beforehand so I know he likes presents etc. Other than this he pays all the rent/bills and is a good dad so perhaps he feels this is good enough, which it is, but I had a good cry when he left this morning but don’t know if I’m being a brat or not.

I've been married over 30 years,my husband would never do that to me, I'm sorry this is happening to you,breakfast in bed always,even on a work day.
Yes when the kids were babies and young children he would get the cards and flowers, and we would have a family day out, now older I give them a list of favourite perfumes or skin care,to choose from. Same for husband but he always goes overboard lol bless,.
I think your missing out,its not the presents or cards its the effort to make you feel special on your day,do other people get you cards?
Men are literal and have to be coached and moulded.
I would make an arrangement with a girlfriends and have night out even just the cinema. You don't want to look back and remember nothing.
Happy birthday to you❤️🎂

You say ‘I would like you to give sort cards and presents on my birthday - like I do for you, including from the children whilst they’re too young to do it themselves’. Do not say ‘don’t bother’ etc. He, clearly, needs pointing out the obvious. So what if he pays the bills! You’re doing equal looking after his children and home. You just need to tell him and sooner rather than later before resentment grows more.

Some men are just hopeless at gift buying. I find it hard to get my head around how they can't think of a simple gift for someone they have loved for years but it happens. Give him a want gift list, end of!

I’m not sure this is true. I think it’s a product of people letting them off all the time, rather than a truly gendered (or rather, a truly sexed) issue. It’s enabled thoughtlessness.

“ so perhaps he feels this is good enough, which it is”

It is not!
A card and box of chocolates/flowers is easy, and something so simple to show someone you actually care about them! It’s never about the stuff, it’s the effort and it’s not like youre expecting anything extraordinary.

He’s already spoiled your birthday, so tell him how this makes you feel, it’s not like it’ll make the day worse for you.

And please don’t take it if he gets irritated and somehow implies it’s your fault!
As someone who has been through this repeatedly in a 25 year relationship, please say something now and don’t let it go any longer, it is heartbreaking and you deserve better.

Geez, he could just give the kids some paper and get them to make a picture or card for you!!!

There’s some oddly worrying phrasing in your op.

‘He’s a good dad because he pays the bills.’

if you’re a sahm, then OF COURSE he pays the bills. Who else would pay them?

and it isn’t ‘his’ money, it’s family money.

I wonder if the both of you realise that you’re equal to him, because it reads like you both don’t.

When it's his birthday and he starts hinting, do exactly as he does and say about budgets and savings. See how he likes it
He's a selfish knob end expecting gifts but guilting you into nothing.

DH kept annoying me by buying something on the day as he always forgot. It was always perfume which I kept saying kindly I really didn't need as I wear the same perfume as I'm quite sensitive to smells. He did the same again this year and to make it worse it was some cheap granny shit perfume as well.
So when it was his birthday the next month, I got him fuck all. No effort at all. I usually plan for weeks and have never gone out on the day, not even when pregnant (heavily one year). He was pissed off until DD said "well then, stop being a knob to mum on her birthday".
I reckon he will make more effort next year.

This. If you want something tell him, or at least give home some ideas.

If I say I don't want something for my birthday I really mean it as don't want extra things as I have so much!
I just use my birthday as a chance to treat myself and tell hubby I bought X for my birthday. He gets me a card though so ask your hubby for that.

As a child it used to really upset me that my dad didn’t buy us gifts for my mums birthday, mum used to buy them and wrap them herself and say my dad bought them

Change things now. Make it the last time he ignores your needs. Tell him straight what a miserable prick he is. Don't get him Fathers Day stuff and if his birthday is later this year, tell him you don't think the finances should be stretched to cover his birthday. In fact put the frighteners on him and in private say that perhaps you shouldn't as a family celebrate these milestones. If your children are little say that hopefully they'll forget when their birthdays are so you won't have to buy presents, cards etc. As well as put a big red circle around your birthday on the calendar.
But I've a feeling he is typical of every single man/child out there, and we are our worst enemies.
That's from someone who's not married. But I have a birthday on Saturday, I have 4 brothers and sisters, but I won't get a single card, telephone call, by them.

Either stop saying ‘don’t get me anything’ or have an adult discussion with him and say that you feel guilted into saying you don’t want gifts so in future you will not be buying him gifts for birthday/ Father’s Day/ Christmas as applicable . But don’t moan that you get nothing when he is doing precisely what you have told him to .

When he asks what you’re getting him for his birthday the simple answer is “the same as you got me”

YANBU
I don't know you and your family circumstances, but this is disgusting behaviour from your hubby. OK, I know times are tough money wise for a lot of people but to get you f* all on your birthday is beyond the pale.
Maybe the two of you need get rid of the kids for the night to friends/relatives and have a conversation?

Your DH is being very dense but you're also being pretty painful IMO - I absolutely hate it when people say 'oh I'm fine' when secretly they care a lot. Just say it ffs!

Reciprocate for his special days, selfish twat that he is.

You're not a brat for feeling sad, it's not like you had a tantrum, you cried when he left, you're not a brat, don't think that 💛

Stop saying you don't want anything, you're just giving him an excuse to be crap. If he mutters about money, ask what the budget is before you give him a list (make it clear you don't expect everything on your list so you still get a surprise). Tell him that this year he's got until the weekend to get you cards and presents but in future it should be on your birthday (and Mothers' Day). If he doesn't shape up, drop Fathers' Day and his birthday

You’re teaching your children that you matter less than your husband and are less deserving of being made a fuss of and given gifts (which is pretty standard for most families) on your birthday. Maybe they will think that it’s because you’re female and, if girls, will grow up thinking they’re worth less and deserve neglectful or bad treatment and if boys, that they always get what they want and women don’t matter. Not great.

You sound like you feel so guilty for expecting basic consideration- internalised misogyny? If you are treating your husband as more worthy than you, why is that?! And why don’t you feel free to express your feelings to him? Needn’t be a big fight, just express your feelings and views quietly and calmly and tell him what you expect in future.

EVERYONE knows it's rude and mean to openly expect gifts from someone for your birthday and then not do even a card or token present for their birthday.

You should go and buy yourself something this year to make yourself feel better. And then tell him it made you feel unappreciated getting nothing and you need something in future. If he ever mentions budget or savings, say that it doesn't have to be expensive and note that you will be applying the same budget to his birthday as he spends on you.

Same as my Husband. I share the same birthday as you too 😂. When he asks what I'm getting him for his birthday I tell him he'll get one once I start getting them!

First, happy birthday! 🥳

I think you should make it clear you expect something on your birthday. When you say don’t worry about it, you are making yourself small and unimportant but you need to be celebrated in the same way I’m sure you do for your husband and kids. It doesn’t make sense for money to be an issue only when it’s your event and not for other people. It’s not being a brat it’s about expecting and deserving the same thought you give to others.

I think you could say to your husband something like: you were very lovely to mention re getting me a present this morning, and I’d love [insert item]. We had a lovely meal out at x on your birthday, and I’m fancying a bit of Italian/chinese/indian/whatever. Shall we go on Saturday?

If you feel nervous or afraid to say these things, maybe think about why. You should be able to say what you need/want without it being a drama. You don’t have to be accommodating all the time.

If he makes a big song and dance about it, maybe on father's day and his birthday day, say you know how keen he is on saving etc so not got him anything; or that you’re sure he’d understand why you haven’t got him anything as you too are so busy end stressed…

What not to do!

What a tight bastard. This would give me the instant ick. Permanently. Eugh. He’s doing the ‘money and savings’ thing in order to manipulate you into thinking it would be better he didn’t spend the money! Yet the same money & savings issues don’t apply when it’s his birthday?! Manipulative twat of the highest order. Yuck. 🤢

Firstly don't live your life with expectations that way you're not disappointed. Secondly, we all go through this, well most of us. It's not an excuse at all men should be more thoughtful and some are they just show it in different ways but some just aren't. Celebrate yourself it is your birthday after all. Make the best of the day with the children and your husband regardless. Life is short believe me I know speaking as a 72-year-old woman whose husband lives with dementia and I live with ill health. I try to find happiness and joy in every single day. Just to wake up and have a birthday beats the alternative. You are blessed you have two children and what sounds like a decent husband.🌻💐🌺🌷