To be sad over this or am I overreacting?

[maria2bela1]

It’s my birthday today. I have young children. Whenever my birthday approaches my husband always mentions getting me a present but then talks about savings and money, so I just say don’t get me anything. In the past presents or days out always have to be prompted by me so these days I just give up and think forget it. My kids came and gave me hug and kiss and said happy birthday this morning, but I couldn’t help but feel sad that he didn’t even get them a card to give to me or a little bunch of flowers. Whilst having breakfast he said oh I didn’t know what to get you (been married over a decade) and I’ll get you something, I just said no problem don’t worry. I was really upset as on his birthdays and Father’s Day I always get him presents. He usually makes comments like ‘oh what you getting for my birthday then’ beforehand so I know he likes presents etc. Other than this he pays all the rent/bills and is a good dad so perhaps he feels this is good enough, which it is, but I had a good cry when he left this morning but don’t know if I’m being a brat or not.

It’s not good enough you deserve better - next time remind him into submission about what will make you happy

(1) Stop saying don't get me anything when you want him to get you something. Don't respond to all the bluster, he has literally all year to save up a few quid for a present for you.
(2) When he asks about his birthday, tell him as he's got you nothing for the past X years, he will not be getting anything.

Don’t get him anything for Father’s Day … mention money and savings!

You keep telling him not to bother and don't worry.

Tell him you would like a card and some flowers!

You are WORTH a thoughtful birthday present.

Your dh is treating you the way you allow him to.
Stop pretending it’s ok.

1. stop getting him anything. Father’s Day coming up - March his energy

2. after he has had a good sulk about that then say ‘let’s both make an effort then, you own be 10 years of shit birthdays’

ask for what you want. Your DH is a bit shit, but you have let him get away with it.

ah reminds me - one woman on here had the genius idea of searching for all the things she wanted for her birthday on her DH’s laptop so the cookies and advertising would follow him around and give him a clue.

Tell him how you feel. It’s not fair that your birthday isn’t celebrated. He could be getting the kids to make handmade cards for you and baking a cake, making breakfast in bed etc. He should be getting you a gift and he needs to make the day special. It doesn’t have to cost a fortune but he does need to put some effort in.
You need to stop putting yourself last and be very clear to him about the kind of effort you want from him.
I would imagine you are the person who makes sure everyone else’s birthdays are special - now it’s your turn.
Happy Birthday.

@maria2bela1 it obviously understandably affects you even though as you said you tried to just give up on expecting anything anything because of how much hard work he makes it.

If it were me, next time he asks this Q, instead of telling him to forget about it, say “surprise me” then as you know he has concerns about the budget just add “stick to the sort of budget I use for you approx £X”. Then just add same as he does “really excited to see what you’ll get me!”

I could have written this. What I will say is, it never changes but you learn not to care about it. Once I saw it as a reflection of my worth, now I see it as evidence of his failings. I buy myself nice things instead.

you really have to let him know what matters to you. Cards don’t bother me at all from my husband….a small gift does. A box of chocolates or bunch of flowers.

Happy birthday. You aren’t a brat. It’s my birthday today and my dh and children have spoiled me. He wasn’t always great at it at the start but I set my expectations and things have improved.

Stop saying you don’t want anything and this won’t happen. You can’t expect someone to know you don’t mean it when you said don’t get me anything
This is all on you. Tell them you want gifts and then you’ll get some.

The point is that she told him NOT to do/get anything, and is now complaining that that's exactly what happened. And this crap happens all the time in relationships! I've had one of my sisters complaining about the exact same thing! People in relationships need to communicate with each other effectively: that includes telling the other what their expectations and wants are. Not saying one thing and actually wanting another.

I always make my DH a card, bake a cake, cook dinner or book a table, and buy a thoughtful gift. But the first two would be enough in return for me. Last year I ordered a thing I wanted online as my gift from him and he seemed to think that absolved him of even acknowledging my birthday! I was quite hurt/sad to not have even a card or a flower and made much less effort when his birthday came around again recently.

All the people saying “tell him what you want” are missing the obvious: how you treat your partner on their birthday IS telling them what you might like on yours.

So if he’s worried about savings you make an agreement to not buy each other gifts at all.

Why do you respond "no problem don't worry" when it is a problem for you and he should be worrying. What would happen if he said he was going to get you a present you said "I'd really appreciate that as it makes me feel really undervalued when you don't bother with my birthday, especially considering the effort i go to for you".

Why are you pretending it doesn't bother you when it clearly does?

You're not being a brat. My OH used to do similar, and one mothers day got me nothing. Well I hut the roof (we don't argue, and I very rarely loose my temper with him). I told him that he is ungrateful, selfish, and after everything I do for him I deserve something special. I told him that if he didn't buck his ideas up things would start to change big time! Needless to say, he learned his lesson. Now he always buys me something nice, and absolutely spoilt me rotten on my 40th birthday. Make it clear to him how you feel and stop minimising your feelings.

Feck that shit. It’s your birthday and he SHOULD be getting you a present. I don’t care about those who say it doesn’t matter IT DOES. Tell him you want a present by Friday and NO excuses

See posts like the OP’s before . What is the matter with these selfish other halves? So hurtful not to reciprocate the love and generosity displayed by their more thoughtful and sensitive partners!

Stop being polite and saying “don’t worry about it”, lots of men need actual instruction. You’ve been together over ten years, surely you can just be straight with him?!? My OH always says for Christmas and Birthday “don’t get me anything” but I always spoil him and he always gets stuff on Father’s Day from our children. I know he’s being polite but it would be crap if he didn’t get anything on those occasions

He likes presents, so savings aren't discussed around his birthday?
Stop letting him off. Choose something that you would like and somewhere you want to go and tell him..

I'm not one for surprises so I'll ask you what you want, if you say "nothing" I'll ask "are you sure, let me know what you want" if they still say nothing then I'll get them nothing, either tell me or don't but I'm not into games.

I may however remember something you may have mentioned in the past and if so I may get that instead.

You've got two choices, love. Start using your words, and tell him what you'd like - a cashmere jumper, red wellies, Chanel makeup, whatever, plus you'd like him to book somewhere nice for lunch.

Or... you go proper nuclear, and stop getting him anything for his birthday or Father's Day. I think if you don't bother with anything for FD, and then look him straight in the eye and say, "I didn't know what you wanted", he'd have to be monumentally thick not to get the message.

So many people here giving him the benefit of the doubt. He happily asks for his own presents. He loves having presents. He asks in a way that she has to say she doesn't want anything. He should say 'nonsense' to that and get her something nice.