To be sad over this or am I overreacting?

[maria2bela1]

It’s my birthday today. I have young children. Whenever my birthday approaches my husband always mentions getting me a present but then talks about savings and money, so I just say don’t get me anything. In the past presents or days out always have to be prompted by me so these days I just give up and think forget it. My kids came and gave me hug and kiss and said happy birthday this morning, but I couldn’t help but feel sad that he didn’t even get them a card to give to me or a little bunch of flowers. Whilst having breakfast he said oh I didn’t know what to get you (been married over a decade) and I’ll get you something, I just said no problem don’t worry. I was really upset as on his birthdays and Father’s Day I always get him presents. He usually makes comments like ‘oh what you getting for my birthday then’ beforehand so I know he likes presents etc. Other than this he pays all the rent/bills and is a good dad so perhaps he feels this is good enough, which it is, but I had a good cry when he left this morning but don’t know if I’m being a brat or not.

Tell him what you would actually like. Do you think he would make you feel bad if you did that? Do you feel able to actually ask for what you want in this relationship or is he holding the breadwinner role over your head? So you have your own money you could spend on yourself for your birthday?

Please don’t say ‘don’t get me anything’ then be sad when he ‘doesn’t get you anything.’

Happy Birthday op!

its poor form from him. Idc if he pays the bills. Its shit and is making you feel under valued. He could have bought you a card from him/kids or (what i prefer) got the kids to make you a card each.

hes pathetic

drop the rope now. No effort with regards to fathers day/his birthday. If he asks wheres his stuff on those days say- “but you said X about money/savings/didnt get me anything so i thought fuck it 🤷🏻‍♀️”

@maria2bela1 send him a brief but honest message.

'I was sad you didn't make any effort this morning. I'd like a card from you, one from the kids, flowers, chocolate and a take-away for dinner.'

He has trained the OP to think it's normal that she deserves nothing by going on about savings and wasting money.

How nasty of him to teach the children also that their mother's birthday should be ignored but he expects gifts himself.

Wow - that's a bit of a jump - maybe you are projecting from your own nasty experience? All we know for sure is that she told him not to get her anything, and that he didn't. We also know that he has expressed concerns about money in the past more generally. We also know that once in the past he asked what she was getting him for his birthday. None of that is any form of "training" or indication of a negative or obnoxious mindset. It's perfectly normal for people to want to save money and not to waste money as a general matter!

You missed a bit.

"Whenever my birthday approaches my husband always mentions getting me a present but then talks about savings and money, so I just say don’t get me anything".

Totally agree. You can’t say you don’t want anything and it’s fine and then get upset when your husband has done exactly what you asked him to do.

This problem is caused by not saying anything. You husband can’t do right for doing wrong.

Sorry OP but you are letting him off the hook by saying "don't worry" or "don't get me anything". You need to tell him that you are upset and that doing nothing makes it look like he doesn't care.

Nomad nailed it. My boyfriend once made me a lantern out of a coke can for my birthday because he was a poor student and cooked me spaghetti. I don't believe your husband doesn't have a tenner to buy you a little bunch of flowers. It's thoughtless and it's not on. Be upset and make sure you remind him next year that it's not ok to make you feel like nobody and nothing.

My husband did nothing for mother's day even though we have young children. I took the kids out for a coffee with me on the morning and reminded them it was mother's day and booked myself a nice lunch for all four of us. In the evening I made it clear that he had disappointed me by not giving me even a lie in and next year I am 100% not doing anything for him or mentioning father's day because that's only fair.

YABU by not speaking up for yourself. When he mentions getting a present say what you want - 'cards and a bunch of flowers would be lovely please, and breakfast in bed'. If he then mentions money, tell him that your suggestion is pretty low cost anyway, or suggest the children make cards and tell him where you keep the craft stuff if he can't figure that out either. Also when he mentions money, call him out on it. Say 'does this apply for your birthday too, remember last year I bought you xyz which was a bit expensive if you think we should be saving.'

So many posts on here where women are disappointed on their birthday but then don't communicate properly with their husband.

@maria2bela1

Happy birthday ♥️

The people who are saying you’re giving mixed messages are completely missing the point. Of course he’s an absolutely terrible person for not even getting you a card from the children when you say you dont want anything anyway, which you’re only saying because you’re trying to protect yourself from the hurt that comes with him being a horrible person. He has every opportunity to be a grown up and do something thoughtful for you but he doesn’t.

You're not being brat but you need to be clearer about your wants and needs.

No point crying about it if you are listened to when you say you don't want anything.

If you make it clear you do want acknowledgment with gifts or actions and he doesn't follow through then it's time to give back the same effort and energy on his birthday or fathers day.

Stop saying don't get me anything.

Tell him you would like him to take the kids out to choose a small present for you and a card from them.

And actually tell him something you want from him too that you feel is appropriate for your budget.

He’s horrible.

Don't buy him anything for his birthday, from you or the kids

Stop being a martyr op, he won't die if you treat him how he treats you

Happy birthday to you, you deserve to be treated properly x

‘He’s a good dad’. He SHOULD be a good dad! He doesn’t get praise because he’s good to his children…that should be a given.

He asks you what you want but then goes on to talk about money and savings but also checks in to make sure you are getting him presents. I am really cross for you.

You are not being bratty.

I totally understand why you would do the "it's fine" thing because we are trained to not cause fuss, embarrassment or to expect too much fuss.
Do you think you could go through with not getting him a Father's Day Present?

Happy birthday! 🎈
How convenient that money is tight for your birthday but not for his when he anticipates and encourages you to buy him presents.
Down tools tonight.
Tell him, don’t ask, that you expect to go out for a meal at which you’ll receive cards and flowers. Leave him to spin into action (accompanied by your children) while you’re getting ready.
Non-negotiable. His manipulation of you ends today.

Whenever my birthday approaches my husband always mentions getting me a present but then talks about savings and money, so I just say don’t get me anything.

Whilst having breakfast he said oh I didn’t know what to get you (been married over a decade) and I’ll get you something, I just said no problem don’t worry
@maria2bela1

He is being manipulative here. He knows how you'll respond and he's abdicating responsibility so he doesn't look like the bad guy

If money is tight or he doesn't want to get you anything, he should say that instead of prompting you to let him off.

But then also you're also letting him off.

I know you feel like you have to but he's making you feel like this.

Tell him it does matter and you'd like xyz.

Show your children that you are important and valuable as well.

Also wanted to add that of course you're not being bratty, and he should know how to buy a present for his dp of 10 years, and even if he doesn't he should ASK or get some chocolates or flowers.

I didn't meant to imply it was your fault or responsibility.

This ^
Energy match or tell him you want a gift. Easy.
Don’t be a martyr and then be shocked at being martyred or give what you don’t receive and be grudging about it.

Happy Birthday 💐🥳🎉You are not a brat and husband should have been thoughtful enough to get card and flowers. Children love giving their parents gifts. Feel sorry for you and the children.X

I would stop making any effort for his birthday. He sounds mean and lazy not even getting you a card from the kids. Does he buy you a card from him or do you get absolutely nothing?