To be sad over this or am I overreacting?

[maria2bela1]

It’s my birthday today. I have young children. Whenever my birthday approaches my husband always mentions getting me a present but then talks about savings and money, so I just say don’t get me anything. In the past presents or days out always have to be prompted by me so these days I just give up and think forget it. My kids came and gave me hug and kiss and said happy birthday this morning, but I couldn’t help but feel sad that he didn’t even get them a card to give to me or a little bunch of flowers. Whilst having breakfast he said oh I didn’t know what to get you (been married over a decade) and I’ll get you something, I just said no problem don’t worry. I was really upset as on his birthdays and Father’s Day I always get him presents. He usually makes comments like ‘oh what you getting for my birthday then’ beforehand so I know he likes presents etc. Other than this he pays all the rent/bills and is a good dad so perhaps he feels this is good enough, which it is, but I had a good cry when he left this morning but don’t know if I’m being a brat or not.

Stop making an effort for him. Enough is enough. Too many men get away with this.

So people wouldn’t actually say this if others made an effort for them. They say this because they don’t want to feel like a burden. Ops husband is indeed a prick.

Happy birthday, OP!

When I was still married, my DH and I would be worried about money. He would say ' we need to save money.' I would agree and buy him something small but nice for his birthday (a small bottle of his favourite whisky, a book he mentioned wanting to read). I would get nothing. If I asked why it would be because we were saving money. Completely ignoring that, if I managed to find something small for HIM, then he could do the same for me.

Divorced the bugger. The coup de grace was when he mentioned he'd thought of getting me something (something that I really really wanted, not expensive), but had decided to save the money instead. I probably wouldn't have minded as much if he hadn't TOLD me...

Happy birthday 🎂 🥳
Some people take comments literally. I'd have to spell it out. Tell him how you feel and what u want x

Sounds like you are more upset with the lack of thought that has gone into this. Like you said a card with a little bunch of flowers would be appreciated.

You need to put on your big girl pants and tell him 🤷🏼‍♀️ tell him you are not happy and from now on tell him what you want

Don't say not worth about it and then be upset.
Tell him what you want. But honestly, what a prick, he can't even get you a card from the kids and a bunch of flowers?!
Don't get him anything at all for father's day. Completely ignore it!

No you’re definitely not over reacting. He’s an AH. Thoughtless selfish little man. I couldn’t bare to live this life. Get out and enjoy yourself while you’re still young enough to make a life. Marriage is highly over rated, most women are happier on their own living life

You are not being a brat by expecting your spouse of ten years to do more than verbally wish you a happy birthday. That's breadcrumbs at best.

Now, you shouldn't have told him that it was okay and not to worry. He got a pass and he will remember this next year. He made absolutely no effort and now he thinks that is just fine and when it absolutely isn't.

I'd stop buying him anything for his birthday or Father's Day until he starts reciprocating. If he complains, tell him you were following his lead.

Next year, if he asks, tell him what you want, but I wouldn't do all the work for him. I'm not inclined to give him a pass simply because he's a man. We should expect more from husbands. It's not asking too much for them to put a little effort into their spouses one or two days a year.

'so I just say don’t get me anything'

and that sums up why you don't get anything.

Maybe you should 'forget' Father's day which is coming up soon. Or give some nice handmade cards from the children. Stop pandering to him and show him how it feels.

You're not being a brat and you do deserve gifts for your birthday. But as PPs have said stop sending mixed messages and just tell him. You cant expect him to know you're upset when you're constantly saying its ok, dont worry about it. He's taking you for your word, taking the easy route and doing nothing because you're literally telling him to do nothing. Just stop. Tell him now that you're upset and in future would like him to make more effort like you do for him. You're supposed to be honest with your spouse and be able to talk to them about these things. If you cant then obviously thats a separate issue.

Tell him then!

'I would really like a card from the kids and a gift on my birthday. I've fallen into saying 'oh it doesn't matter' because you're always mentioning how little money we have and I feel guilty but actually, it does matter, I do care and it's upsetting me that you make no effort'.

Not hard. If you can't say that to your partner, why are you together?

Now if DH said to me over breakfast 'I didn't know what to get you. I'll get you something' my reply would be 'good. I'll enjoy getting that something this evening'.

Then as soon as he got in it'd be 'where's my something then? Oh and whilst you're getting it from wherever you've hidden it, you can order a takeaway to make up for the fact that I didn't get the something this morning. Thanks darling'.

Do NOT belittle yourself. Don't shrug it off. Expect something on your birthday.

My parents were often extremely hard up but dad always managed a bunch of flowers and bar of mum's favourite chocolate even when he didn't have a penny in his pocket. He gave up something for a few weeks and spent the money on her. It wouldn't have occurred to him not to get her something. One year, when he was out of work, he wrote her a poem. That was it - couldn't afford anything else but it meant the world to her because of the thought behind it. And he did it, one because he wanted her to be happy and two because she could show her displeasure without saying a word!

Save your money on his next birthday - money's too tight for yours, it's too tight for his.

You’re part of the problem - do t get me anything g. But he’s a shit for not bothering at all. But you’re an idiot for buying him birthday and Father’s Day gifts. Change the story. Don’t bother with him and see how he likes it.

Really good wording, this.

Have that conversation with him tonight.

Use your words, OP : 'I'd still like something for my birthday, even if it's just a small present or something the kids have chosen'. If you say you're not bothered or not to get anything he'll think you're not bothered and not get anything. Jesus's wept.

You shouldn't have to say it

He doesn’t value you enough to do things for you that he thinks are important that you do for him. He’s rating his own value much higher than yours. By talking about money and saving when your birthday approaches, but asking what you’re getting him for his shows this really clearly.

I would point it out to him, or do as pp have suggested and show the same sort of concern and attention to detail for him that he shows for you- but explain to him when he asks, that as money is such a concern you’re respecting that by getting him the same for his birthday as you got for yours. See if he works it out.

On mothers day, I went to marks and spencers, bought myself a candle, a nightress and some champagne glasses. Came home and gave them to DH to give to me from him and the kids, aling with a gift bag
I was actually delighted with my gifts, just what I wanted.
I have now decided this is how I am getting my gifts for all occassions.
It really is a game changer.

This is awful despite you saying not to bother he still should have obviously.

My DP doesn't make much effort for birthdays, so now I match the effort he makes on his, which is minimal!

You could tell him how upset and rubbish he has made you feel. However be prepared that it may not change anything. My birthday has been largely ignored for my 25 year marriage, despite kicking up a fuss about it. He simply doesn’t “get it” but it IS incredibly hurtful, every year.

I now sort myself out. An expensive gift from out of his account, a day at a spa. It almost makes up for it. Almost.

Communicate! Tell him how you feel. Point out how much he enjoys getting presents from you and the chidlren. Just tell him!

Lol the poor guy can't win. You tell him not to get you anything then you come on here complaining about being sad that he hasn't got you anything! Classic

FFS, stop martyring yourself and get him nothing for Father's Day next month. THen tell him you're treating him the way he treats you.

Happy birthday OP! I had mine yesterday (one with a 0 at the end), my HD got me a few canned cocktails that I liked a month ago "for my birthday", didn't wrap them, hide them and make me wait till my actual birthday. Children got excited about a card so they gave it to me the day before. On my actual birthday, he mumbled happy birthday at me in the morning, and that was it. Nothing at all after. No presents, no texts at work to ask how my birthday was. The thoughtlessness and the example it sets for our children has me livid. I understand that he is generally sh*te at getting gifts, but the complete lack of effort, not even flowers has me completely floored, and we're now not talking, though I'm not sure he understands why. I'm not sure the give no presents back really works in their little pea sized brains (yes i'm angry). A friend I spoke to last night said they all need to go to remedial DH school once every 90 days to be reminded of how they should behave, and at this point I fully support it. Anyway, happy birthday, I hope it's turned around for you x