To be sad over this or am I overreacting?

[maria2bela1]

It’s my birthday today. I have young children. Whenever my birthday approaches my husband always mentions getting me a present but then talks about savings and money, so I just say don’t get me anything. In the past presents or days out always have to be prompted by me so these days I just give up and think forget it. My kids came and gave me hug and kiss and said happy birthday this morning, but I couldn’t help but feel sad that he didn’t even get them a card to give to me or a little bunch of flowers. Whilst having breakfast he said oh I didn’t know what to get you (been married over a decade) and I’ll get you something, I just said no problem don’t worry. I was really upset as on his birthdays and Father’s Day I always get him presents. He usually makes comments like ‘oh what you getting for my birthday then’ beforehand so I know he likes presents etc. Other than this he pays all the rent/bills and is a good dad so perhaps he feels this is good enough, which it is, but I had a good cry when he left this morning but don’t know if I’m being a brat or not.

"Hi DH. I know when we talked about presents etc. for my birthday previously I said I didn't want anything. On reflection I've realised that actually I do want to celebrate and I would appreciate a card and a gift such as xyz."

He talks about savings and money, but somehow none of that applies when it's his birthday?
Screw that. A tenner for some flowers and chocolates won't make a difference.
Stop saying it doesn't matter when it does, there's no prizes for being a martyr.

🎉 Happy Birthday op🎉

I make it perfectly clear that I’m happy not to receive gifts as I would rather we all did something together like lunch out but we always do cards.

my dh always always makes sure when the kids were little that cards were organised above anything else.

you saying don’t worry is sending mixed messages.

next time it’s his birthday say as he doesn’t bother with you that your going to do the same

Stop pretending it doesn't matter to you when it does! Be honest. Say you'd like him to help the children buy or make a card and you'd like a thoughtful gift, it doesn't have to cost a lot.

Have a happy birthday and do something nice for yourself. Get a takeaway for tea and let him do bedtime with the kids while you relax!

I’m sorry you’re upset, it’s really shit not to feel cared for on your birthday.

It sounds like your husband is pretty clear about what he wants for his birthday etc, where as you say things like “I don’t need anything”. I think you just need to be clearer about your expectations. It’s not very romantic but I literally give my husband a list of gifts I would like, tell him I would like a card from the baby, that I would like to go out for dinner and so on.

Help him out. Don’t say ‘oh don’t worry’ then be pissy.

I give mine a list, my kids know the chocs I like, the flowers I like. Tell your kids..it’s Mummy’s birthday next week, tell Daddy to get me Ferrero Rocher, a bunch of Lillies and that stripey blue tshirt I’ve seen in Tesco! Good boy!

We love birthdays, I love getting presents. Don’t be so downtrodden. Say ‘Right this year I want a bit of fuss, I want a meal out on the Thursday and get the kids to give me that candle I’ve been on about. I do loads for you on Father’s Day, I want a bit of attention too.

Absolutely do not get him anything for Father’s Day. You have a month to get yourself in the no-buy zone, work on it. If the children’s school do Father’s Day cards with the children then so be it but you no longer organise this.
Don't you dare feel guilty, he deserves nothing from you however, make sure you send the children to him to say happy Father’s Day, just like he does.
Buy yourself some flowers today.

It sounds like he’s conditioning you to say that you don’t want gifts. I don’t think you’re martyring yourself - I think he made the decision not to get you anything and led you to think you have said it

If someone said to me "don't worry about getting me anything, I'm not fussed" I would take them at their word and not do anything for their birthday. In fact that's pretty much what DP and I said to each other early on about gifts - neither of us really care about presents, we prefer experiences. So we established early on that we take each other out to a great restaurant for birthdays.

Everyone's different when it comes to birthdays - I have friends who go the whole nine yards, throw huge parties every year, love being made a fuss of and the centre of attention. And I have a friend who literally refuses to tell anyone when her birthday is because she doesn't want any recognition at all. Which is why in a relationship, it's so important to communicate what you actually want to your partner - you can't expect someone to read your mind and do the opposite of what you're saying to them.

Happy Birthday! I would go treat myself to something nice i wanted & a nice plant or flowers whichever you prefer maybe some chocolate, if anything said just say you treated yourself for your birthday and i wouldn't be cooking tonight either! Then stop saying don't worry about it, that's what he wants you to do, you deserve a nice birthday as much as anyone else in the house take it!

You can’t tell him not to get you anything then be upset when he doesn’t get you anything. Tell him what your expectations are. He sounds thoughtless by needing to be told, but he clearly needs telling

Alas there are mixed messages being given to you husband here. This is a common problem: people (particularly woman it seems) will tell their partners "oh don't worry about it" or "no I don't want anything" etc etc and then express shock and horror when their partner listens to them and, in fact, gets them nothing.

If your expectation is that, at the very least, your husband should arrange for the kids to get you a card and a gift, then tell him that. There are of course non-confrontational ways to tell him that, but you've got to be clear in communicating your needs/wants/expectations. If he has trouble remembering then just both sit down and calendar a reminder for both of you a week before each of your birthdays to remember to get gifts so the kiddos have something to give to each of you on your respective birthdays. They need not cost much either - the children can make you a card - they just need to be prompted to do so and of course have the materials at home to make something. You can also have a conversation about what he would like for his birthday too: you might consider that the best "gift" can be experiences - so a birthday walk, or trip somewhere like a beach or a beautiful part of the countryside etc etc. These things need not cost much money.

Mixed messages are rubbish - they cause drama that is entirely preventable. And you can't expect your partner (or anyone else for that matter) to be a mind reader - particularly if you've stated a totally different expectation when talking about something. I've had to have this exact conversation with my sister: she got very hurt when her husband didn't get her a birthday present etc. But it turned out that she'd said "oh don't worry" when talking about gifts and birthdays. He listened to her, and didn't get her anything. I told her that if she wants something she needs to not only make sure that is communicated but, even more importantly, that she doesn't tell him the exact opposite of what she actually wants! He grew up in a home where birthdays weren't a big deal. Plus, of course, he's not a mind reader. For once she actually listened to me and they calendared birthday reminders (super easy - everyone who has a smartphone has a phone with a calendar on it these days!!). And, wouldn't you know, next year she got what she wanted. Of course, she's the sort of person who then got upset because he also didn't arrange a fancy dinner- but some people are just drama-seekers/creators sadly.

Whilst I don't think a gift is necessary for everyone (some people genuinely don't want gifts, for some people it's important, so whatever works for you) but I do think it's important to be clear in your expectations.
You said don't worry and don't get me anything so he didn't 🤷‍♀️
Instead, be clear. For example
"Whilst I don't need or expect a physical gift, I would like to feel valued and appreciated on my birthday. I'd like a card made by the children and a gesture of effort such as a coffee in bed, bunch of flowers, dinner made, whatever it is you want.

It's a bit of a leap to say "that's what he wants you to do" - yikes! The only information we have here is that she told him not to get her anything, and that he listened and didn't get her anything. There's no suggestion here that he's being unkind.

Most families - particularly younger ones that are just starting out - have budgets and monetary concerns - so having a general conversation about being careful with money and not wasting it is entirely normal. That doesn't mean he was making those comments as a way of avoiding having to sort something out for a birthday - not least because there are plenty of ways to make a card etc etc that don't involve much if any money.

Alas, some people seem to assume that men are looking for ways to avoid doing things...and that simply isn't the case, plus it's a kind of negative mentality that leads to the very thing you you don't want. Alas it seems that female partners often say "don't worry about it" and then expect their male partner to be a mind reader and do the exact opposite. It's self-defeating and causes entirely avoidable upset.

Please don't give him anything for his birthday from now on or Father's Day. He's a prick.

my husband always mentions getting me a present but then talks about savings and money

but

He usually makes comments like ‘oh what you getting for my birthday then’

🤔

Happy birthday!
Take yourself out for cake today. Buy yourself some flowers. The weather forecast looks good so I hope you enjoy your day.

Don’t buy anything for Father’s Day etc because “you mentioned how concerned you were with saving money.”

So there's money for his birthday and the children's but not for yours?

Why do you accept this??

But also, don't say just don't get me anything!! Stop that.

This is really sad and I'm so sorry. My husband is a bit like this but usually gets me something in the end. In his case it is sheer forgetfulness but it still hurts.
I'm really sorry. It's so rubbish. You absolutely need to stop buying things for him on his birthday, though, as it's the only way to make him understand.

Sorry for multiple posts but I keep thinking of more to say.

Happy Birthday, first of all. 💐🎁🎂🎊🥂🎉 I hope you can have a lovely day.

You need to stop being a martyr and pretending you don't mind. Because you mind, and that's ok! It's not good enough when he expects presents on his birthday, and it's okay to say that.

Sad post. Happy birthday.
Lazy man husband and father.
It is important to teach children consideration of others.
Doing cards and little gifts for mum and dad is a part of that.
You and your children deserve better.
Stop saying it doesn't matter.
You are sadly setting yourself up to accommodate a lazy selfish thoughtless man.

We teach people how to treat us.
Your children will learn from this.
Not a good example at all for them.

Stop being such a martyr; "don't get me anything", "don't bother" etc. All you are doing is telling everyone you don't matter, that you are the least important person in the family. Why do that?

Can't you be honest; "My favourite perfume is running low", "I would love to try the new thai restaurant for dinner", "I would like some gin and chocolates" or whatever floats your boat. Even "surprise me!"

Whatever you do, stop telling the world you don't matter or you might start to believe it.

Happy birthday!

Stop saying don't worry about it! It's not fine, don't say it is!

When he says something about getting you a present say 'I saw a lovely x the other day that I'd like' 'I'd really like a tree fern' 'I'd like some fluffy socks and a bunch of flowers, and breakfast in bed'
'a gift voucher for y would be brilliant'

Tell him today that you want to go out to dinner / to the zoo / for a picnic in the park / whatever at the weekend for your birthday.