Why are my kids taking SO long to fall asleep at bed time ???!??!?

[mysunshin]

I went up with them at 6:40 and there’s just endless messing around, it’s so frustrating!

they are 3 and 5 and they still need me there to fall asleep. I don’t mind that too much ( not ideal but it is what it is )… we all get snuggled up in a big double bed, but there’s just endless messing around, kicking each other - chatting, just them going crazy.

I picked them up from school- they’ve had dinner, not too much screen time, bed time stories, but it still takes a good hour until they fall asleep. My little one was absolutely exhausted tonight and really needs his sleep.

if they get to sleep too late, the mornings are absolute hell, as they’re so upset to be woken up for the day. I always prefer for them to wake up in the morning on their own accord. That starts the day way better.

I am honestly shattered, spending nearly an hour every night of my fucking life up there- trying to get them to settle down. I don’t even care about the hour, all I’m doing is trying to get them to sleep because I’m dreading the morning so much. It’s such a stressful start to the day when they’re both screaming and crying because they’re so exhausted.

Well done OP sounds like a big improvement!

Sorry you’ve already said ‘they would go absolutely nuts’ if you put them in their own rooms and own beds but at 3 and 5 you really are making a rod for your own back. I’ve watched my BIL and SIL do the same thing and honestly it would drive me nuts. They often fall asleep when putting the kids to bed and don’t come back so our lovely evening I have planned for catching up without young children interrupting often doesn’t happen as the night is over when they both have to go do bedtime - we don’t see them often as they live away. You can sleep train your children you just don’t sound willing to try and you say you don’t mind the big double bed when they behave but this whole thread is about them not behaving so if you’re unwilling to make a change then it won’t change. How does anyone ever look after them if they won’t go to bed without you?

Maybe bedtime is too early.

Mine were exactly the same, and it wasn't until they were finally diagnosed with ADHD as teenagers that the psychiatrist asked whether they found it difficult to sleep.

So, you are not necessarily doing anything wrong. Ours were on melatonin for a while, which worked well. But that wasn't enough once they started ADHD meds. So, they were switched to Clonadine, which has been far more effective. I was diagnosed at the same time and have had the same good experience with the medications.

This x100.

you don’t always need to coddle and pander to them.

OP doesn't need to dose her kids on meds. She needs to stop the screens before bed and have a decent bedtime routine. She's already made some changes that are seeing improvements

Great update

At that age they need 10-13hrs total sleep, with the 3yo likely needing less than the 5yo unless they have wildly different sleep needs. 6.40 is early to start bed with this in mind, particularly for the older one. A big double is fine if it works for you, but at the moment it isn't, so if later bed doesn't work I'd try separating into different sleep spaces and putting 3yo down first then 5yo. I stay with mine to fall asleep too and have no issue with this, as it takes 10 mins, because he's properly tired.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Possibly the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen on MN for a long time. Babies and small children are not (contrary to what every snake oil sleep trainer sells you) able to ‘self-soothe’ and isolation will not make them go to sleep.

@mysunshin Please don’t listen to people that tell you you’re doing it all wrong, or you’ve ‘made a rod for your own back’, you are meeting your children’s needs for comfort and security. It’s not always the easy route, but long term it’ll help them grow into secure children and much more connected teens. Maybe try bumping bedtime back a little, I’m wondering if they aren’t quite ready for sleep at 18.30hrs, and once you’re in bed, dim lights, make sure you’re between them, or there’s a long bolster pillow between them so they can’t kick/poke each other, and read until they nod off. I read The Hobbit and stuff like this to my children at this age, long-ish ‘chapter books’ that you can read quietly to them. If they start to mess about use a quiet but firm voice to tell them to lie down/lie still, it’s tedious, but it works.

@MarvellousMonsters

Many posters have agreed that putting children in their own beds and not staying with them to they fall asleep does actually work.

I always read stories to my four at bedtime and I made stories up for them, too. We also sang three or four songs. Then I would cuddle them, say goodnight, and go downstairs.

I didn't just put them to bed and leave them to it, as you're suggesting.

That is so early.

not all kids need 10-12 hours sleep. At that age mine slept 10pm - 8am.

it bright outside

their body clocks will be telling them it’s not bedtime.

how could they even have digested their dinner by then?

id be taking them to the park for a hour after dinner!

Another great night guys !!! My DD is really enjoying a bit of independence. Getting herself ready for bed, doing some reading and colouring in. She really enjoyed it.

I went up with them at around 7pm, as it takes a lot less time now to get the little one ready for bed without them winding each other up. DD went to her room and did her own thing. He was asleep by 7:30 pm. I went in with DD who had proudly got herself ready for bed. She then wanted to do some mother and daughter colouring in. Which we did. I read her a story and she was asleep by 8:30-8:40.

they both happily got up today without me having to wake them, had a great morning actually. No tantrums about getting ready etc.

very positive ! I think it’s going to stick. I think DD likes the independence of it and no longer feels like she’s missing out, like she used to. Very happy about this. It’s making me dread my evenings less.

Such a great update OP! Really pleased for you all :)

So pleased for you

i used to love bedtime when my DC were little.

They’d have a bath then we’d read books on our double bed together which they had chosen at the library then they just went to sleep in their own beds

Ha ha, we tried this, it DD was put to bed at 6:30, would be asleep by 7, wake at 7, all happy.

Then we decided she shouldn't have us in the room.

We decided we'd do the bed time thing, say good night, and then just put her back to bed with no interaction... Knowing it would be difficult, but it wouldn't last long "she'd get used to it".

3 weeks later, she was still getting up every 10 minutes, being put back, getting upset crying, and eventually passing out and falling asleep through sheer exhaustion at around 11:30pm.... EVERY NIGHT. It never got better, she would still wake at 7.

It was awful, so, we stay with her and she's asleep in 15-20 minutes.

@mysunshin that’s great you managed to sort out what suits you all
I’m sure bedtimes weren’t as easy as I remember but I have very fond memories

then let them go nuts. They will scream until they wear themselves out. It will take a few hellish nights and then they will realise their usual crap isn't working.

@ButteredRadishesI also tried the whole ‘ make them sleep independently ‘ when they were younger. My little one would cry until he was sick, so that was never going to work. My older one would also cry for hours.

it wasn’t something I could do. I’ll stay with them until they fall asleep. They’ll be fine. Every child is different and they’ll all get it in their own time. All I can do is support them while they get there. I don’t see a reason to be an absolute hard arse about it.

just like this change now, she’s ready for it. She wasn’t a few months ago.

AIBU is shit for advice now. Lots of people posting totally extreme rigid stuff which doesn't fit with reality. Try posting in Sleep or Parenting. Or indeed ask chat GPT 🤣

The problem is sometimes the lack of traffic in other boards but it's not too bad if it's large enough like Parenting tends to be.

Well then you are stuffed!

I'm very glad to read your update @mysunshin

This is lovely @mysunshin, you’ve allowed your DD to develop her independence in her own time, and now she’s ready. Well done for being responsive and flexible, parenting this way can be hard at times, but the rewards are huge.