Why are my kids taking SO long to fall asleep at bed time ???!??!?

[mysunshin]

I went up with them at 6:40 and there’s just endless messing around, it’s so frustrating!

they are 3 and 5 and they still need me there to fall asleep. I don’t mind that too much ( not ideal but it is what it is )… we all get snuggled up in a big double bed, but there’s just endless messing around, kicking each other - chatting, just them going crazy.

I picked them up from school- they’ve had dinner, not too much screen time, bed time stories, but it still takes a good hour until they fall asleep. My little one was absolutely exhausted tonight and really needs his sleep.

if they get to sleep too late, the mornings are absolute hell, as they’re so upset to be woken up for the day. I always prefer for them to wake up in the morning on their own accord. That starts the day way better.

I am honestly shattered, spending nearly an hour every night of my fucking life up there- trying to get them to settle down. I don’t even care about the hour, all I’m doing is trying to get them to sleep because I’m dreading the morning so much. It’s such a stressful start to the day when they’re both screaming and crying because they’re so exhausted.

Could do story all together on your bed, go put little one to bed while big one has a bit of a relax or audiobook (getting to stay up a bit later?) and then out them to bed?

maybe the 60 people on the last thread didn’t know the kids were acting up at bedtime? I don’t know what your last post was about so can’t comment all I can comment on is what you’ve said now and I think that’s a bit early. If you are at breaking point then there’s no harm in trying is there? Things change so quickly with kids, 6.40 could be ok one week then the next they just aren’t tired enough. My eldest was in bed and asleep for half seven every night then just one night it was half 8 until he fell asleep and it’s been like that ever since. Kids change, grow up. You’ve got to try something

Do you have blackout blinds?

I would invest in some good ones if not, keep the room cool, a fan would also provide white noise which can be soothing as well as cooling it down, it's bloody hot at the moment!

And a light projector that puts space things on the ceiling, they usually move a bit and change colours, my youngest loves his and falls asleep watching it, even I find it quite calming

@mysunshin ok ... thinking outside the box.
If you said to them they don't have to fall asleep straight away and if they can't get to sleep they are allowed to get out of bed, look at books or play with calm quiet toys but they can't leave the room.
Would they do that without you being in the room?
My daughter is a non sleeper (she's 17 now) and for me it was the hours and hours of having to stay with her that made my mind go crazy.
Once we got to a stage I could just leave her alone to do her thing it was easier on my mental health.
She was in her room and she was safe with her books and toys.
I would often find her in the morning fast asleep on the floor surround by some toys - but she had slept (yippee).
If you tell them where you will be and what you are doing - "I will be in the kitchen doing the washing up" - they know they haven't been abandoned (you can fib slightly if you don't want to tell them you're actually going to watch telly).

OP I put my two oldest into bunk beds.
We didn't have the bedrooms for them to have one each when they were little.

When we moved into a bigger house, they got their own rooms, then we had two more children.

They all had a bedroom. We were lucky in that respect.

But they never slept in our room, not after the first few months. Even then, they were always in their cots, not in our bed.

If they were ever ill, of course they could come in with us. But as a general rule, they were taken up to bed, after having a bath, and we had stories and singing for fifteen minutes. Then DH and I went downstairs, and the children fell asleep by themselves.

They had different bedtimes according to age.

6:40 does seem a bit early for the 5yo. And I do agree that maybe they would settle earlier with separate bedtimes! Maybe it would be worth getting the 3yo down at 7ish then take the 5yo up a bit later

I disagree with many of the PP regarding sleeping together/ your involvement. Give them all the comfort they need, I think its extra important at the end of the day.

I didn't mean it that way. All parents do sometimes have to do something that favours one child. I was in and out of hospital as a child and my sister had to be cared for by neighbours sometimes. It's only now as adults she told me she used to hope one particular neighbour would invite her home for tea because they had nice puddings. I wasn't exactly having a fun time in hospital but my parents did have to prioritise me and that must have been unsettling for my sister.

Just put them to bed and leave them to it. If they muck around for a while so be it, they are anyway.
If they're really struggling to sleep, they're probably just not tired enough. Bedtime too early or not run off enough energy in the day.

OP I have a 3 and 5 year old and we had similar issues. They had their own rooms but it just wasn’t working. So we picked the bigger room and go two single beds and made it their own. Kept the smaller room with all their clothes and things in it.

We made a big thing about them having their own beds, they picked duvet covers etc, put names above their beds.

Then we implemented a strict routine. Upstairs at 6.40, wash and into PJs, then a story read by alternate parents in a special snug in their room.

Into bed by 7.10 and me or my DH sit in a chair to stop any messing around.

once they’d got into this routine we limited the time we’d stay in the room but we’d reassure them we were still upstairs and go into our room to sort out washing or something so they hear we were nearby. Now we can sit for 5 mins and walk out tabs the messing around doesn’t last.

i think the first thing id do is pick a room and let them share with their own beds. You can then build a routine around that.

its been bliss to get my evenings back!!

I don't think it's too early at all OP.

I do think they need their own beds and their own room. They can be together but not in a double, and not with you watching.

Could you get bunks? They won't be able to see each other so may drop off faster.

I don't think it's too early, I also don't think it's 'prioritising' to do a shared bedtime. Your eldest is 5, 7:30 is plenty late enough. Mine have always had shared bedtime, now 6 and 8. They need their own beds though given how they're behaving while sharing, mine are allowed to share on the weekends and never settle as quickly!

To be fair though we used to go up at 6:45 to be asleep by 7:30 when they were 3 and 5, and that was separate rooms, bedtime just takes a while. One of them spent quite a few weeks coming out of the bedroom repeatedly so we had to sit in the hall upstairs. Maybe try audiobooks? Mine use those when they don't feel ready for sleep but need to be settled in bed in the dark.

Have experienced this recently with our four year old and almost two year old. Used to find it was so drawn out!
Due to house renovations, we aren’t living at home so bedtime routine has become slightly different … what used to be drawn out, trying to read books together, fighting over the book and climbing all over Mummy is now much calmer as we have been doing them separately due to logistics. The four year old is still pushing boundaries and does find lots of excuses to get out of bed, but it’s not like the previous carnage we used to experience!
Maybe some extra TV time for the eldest whilst you put the younger one to sleep?

I don't think it's too early at all OP
Neither do I. It seems about right for such little children.

I do think they need their own beds and their own room
Agreed. Many people on this thread do agree with that. I believe you should give it a try.

Personally I'd go mad if I had to spend my evenings waiting for two youngsters to fall asleep.
I'd go even madder if they shared my bed. Or my room.

It’s no wonder they’re tired, they need their own beds.

I think making a big deal out of getting new beds for them with their own bed stuff is a good idea.

but honestly they’re going to find it so difficult not to cuddle up to me when they’re going to sleep as it’s all they’ve known. I have tried sitting on the bed / floor / being at the bottom of their bed and they get upset and just come to wherever I am, in order to lie on me/ get close to me. I can imagine they’ll be excited over their new beds and then fight over me needing to cuddle with them.

I guess I’ll just need to be firm and say no, that’s it. But I find it difficult ( clearly ) when they want a cuddle to say no.

Can you try putting on an audiobook and telling them if they don’t lie quietly in the dark then they’ll have to sleep alone. it’s totally fine to use their fear of being alone at night to blackmail them into behaving.

be prepared to follow through, even if only for 1 night, so they dont think you are bluffing.

@mysunshin despite my girl being 17 now I am currently sat at the end of her bed, leaning against the wall rubbing her feet.
If you have their beds against the wall rather than having to cuddle with them you could sit at the end and rub feet.
Obviously they would have to take turns so have a big chart on the wall so they know who's turn it is in advance.

Is it just you op? Or could you tag team bedtimes?

If not and it is just you, I would start with letting the older child read to themselves, listen to an audiobook or possibly even play very quietly while you settle the younger one, telling the older one that you will be in soon for cuddles but if they keep disturbing you and the younger one then it will take longer and there won't be any time for cuddles when you are done.

Chances are you'll go in to find the older one half asleep if not fully, if you can get them to stay by themselves for 15/20 minutes

Get them more tired, are they getting lots of exercise in the day? Then they will sleep with you or elsewhere

I agree.
And as another pp has experienced, it never worked for us just leaving our daughter after saying goodnight as she would always get up and play, or run up and down the hall / go in the bathroom and get water or stuff from cupboard to play with! Her room sometimes looked like a bomb had hit it in the morning.
Easier to lie in with her for 15 mins after story until she goes to sleep - it’s not a long time really - but I have started drawing the line at much past 8pm now as obvs I want a bit of evening too.

We have 5 kids- our 6 & 4 year old share a room. We find the summer nights are a bit harder to get them to sleep- they can hear all the neighbours kids out and always argue that it’s “not night yet” as it’s light outside. Despite having blackout blinds. We try and tire them out before bed. Dinner was at 4.45 tonight then we took them to the park at 5.45 for an hour. Home, shower, snack, teeth and a book. They were in bed by8.15 with their Tonie box and asleep within 15 mins. We have been doing this or having them out in the paddling pool during the warm nights and found it really helps.

@mysunshin if you get the book done and bedtime routine with little one first, might they fall asleep with a bit of a cuddle in their bed a bit quicker than if they're together? I don't think it has to be all night in same bed Vs no cuddles. It might take a few tries for them to settle but it might be quicker.

Mine co-sept with me until recently and I now have the routine me and @Anononony described. 5yo bedtime now really quick and 3yo falls asleep pretty fast now with a cuddle.

Bedtime seems quite early to me but if they are not waking that early then it’s fine if you’re happy with it.

Personally it sounds normal. If you’re going up at 6.40 and they’re asleep by 7.30 that sounds pretty good to be honest.

I stay with my kids whilst they fall asleep, also in my double bed (6&1) and tbh I absolutely love it.

My DS (6) can play up at bed times and it's mainly down to being knackered so he turns into an arse.
I found if I just ignore him he soon gets bored and turns over.