Why are my kids taking SO long to fall asleep at bed time ???!??!?

[mysunshin]

I went up with them at 6:40 and there’s just endless messing around, it’s so frustrating!

they are 3 and 5 and they still need me there to fall asleep. I don’t mind that too much ( not ideal but it is what it is )… we all get snuggled up in a big double bed, but there’s just endless messing around, kicking each other - chatting, just them going crazy.

I picked them up from school- they’ve had dinner, not too much screen time, bed time stories, but it still takes a good hour until they fall asleep. My little one was absolutely exhausted tonight and really needs his sleep.

if they get to sleep too late, the mornings are absolute hell, as they’re so upset to be woken up for the day. I always prefer for them to wake up in the morning on their own accord. That starts the day way better.

I am honestly shattered, spending nearly an hour every night of my fucking life up there- trying to get them to settle down. I don’t even care about the hour, all I’m doing is trying to get them to sleep because I’m dreading the morning so much. It’s such a stressful start to the day when they’re both screaming and crying because they’re so exhausted.

Snuggling in a bed with a parent sounds like fun - unless really super ready to go to sleep Id mess about for sure.
Own beds, preferably in their own rooms is the way to go. Yes sure they will fuss about it for a week or so but after that, if you are consistent they'll be fine. You've taught them to sleep in a bed with you - thats on you. Now that you are fed up with that, if you want things to be different its time to teach them to sleep differently. then you can have your evenings back. And share your bed with your significant other!

Everyone has told you what needs to change but you don't want to do it. I hope others take heed. Do NOT co sleep if you don't want to do it for a loooooooong ass time.

If sharing a bed works for you and them..... great! Im not personally against it at all. But its clearly not working so its time for a different option. Id make it seem like a huge adventure by buying new beds, bedding, decorations for their rooms, a new teddy - for their new "grown up beds" etc

You’re putting too much pressure on you and them to get all that done in 40 minutes and be sound asleep too. Sure go up at 6:40 if that suits but then do bath till 7, get ready for bed, story and lights out by 7:30, hopefully asleep by 7:45. And definitely separate single beds with a chair for you so there’s no squabbling about who’s getting the most cuddles

This and separate bed times.

That,

the big one is defo ok doing it alone alone and the tiny one might need a few nudge to stay in bed if not that tired.

my guess is they think that bed time is playtime with mummy so retrieve yourself and they will sleep just fine.

6.40pm is absolutely crazy early.
We are just sometimes eating tea then, when do you have some family time?
DS7 and DD4 (literally turned 4 a couple of mths ago - still at nursery) don't get home from hobbies until just after 7.30 3 times a week. No wonder they're just messing around. Mine go up between 8-8.30 and are asleep within 10mins and sleep 11-11.5hrs.

The older they get the more they will mess about and the more of your evening will be gone. You say one hour is fine now, this will extend. That's fine if you are happy but sound like you want your evening back. The only way Is to break the habit now - encourage them sleeping in their own beds as a safe place. It will now take time but easier now than later

Omg op I hear you so loud and so clear

I think starting the routine at 6:40 for the younger one is probably about right but I think the older one ideally needs to be a bit later.
If one is getting tired and the other isn’t then they’ll definitely continue to mess around.

Are you a single parent doing it alone or is there someone else there to share the routine?

maybe talk to older child away from the younger one and make a plan she’s on board with, with rewards maybe. Then if younger one isn’t keen at least you’re not battling two of them.

it’ll be hard at first but they’ll soon get used to a new routine.

my kids are an absolute nightmare when sharing a room, setting each other off constantly!

All kids are different of course, but my 5 year old starts their routine at 7:30 and is generally asleep by 8:15 ish. He then wakes naturally 6-630 ish.

I get it OP. My 5YO still likes me with him while he goes to sleep. Sometimes I do, sometimes I tell him I’ll come back in 5 minutes and he should keep his eyes closed, go off and put a few things away then come back for a quick hug. I do that until he’s asleep, at least I feel I’m getting other things done and he’s getting the comfort he needs.

That won’t work with two of them together though, they’ll just play while you’re gone! Do they have their own beds / bedrooms? If so do a story together then into their beds and flit between them. The older one could listen to an audiobook while you settle the younger one. Audiobooks are a lifeline in our house, even my 10YO listens to one as he gets ready to sleep. So soothing!

I get that you love what you’ve always done for them. But it sounds like they’ve outgrown it. Things won’t change if you don’t try something new.

Well, interestingly - last night was the first time my eldest said that she should be able to stay up later than her brother.

then tonight she said it again and I told her that she can stay up later if she would like. I explained she can stay in her room and play for a bit, while I put my son to bed.

so she excitedly brought some toys upstairs from downstairs and some books and colouring in stuff. I also gave her an iPad tbh, if she needed it.. start small right.

she came in a few times to tell me things she was doing but eventually she went to her room and I was able to get my little one to sleep, without them winding each other up.

then I came into her room and we did some reading together and she fell asleep. She even said she wanted me to go, because she wanted to sleep like a big girl. But then she changed her mind and asked me to stay.

she’s been occasionally experimenting with sleeping by herself ( by her own accord ) and then she gets worried and comes to find me.

anyway, it went well and was actually more self perpetuated by her. I have tried to get her to stay in her room and play a number of times, but she said it was mean and she was scared on her own and wanted to be with us. Hopefully she’s turned a corner now and is maturing / seeing it differently. She also then gets to have uninterrupted 1 on 1 time with me, which she likes.

it’s interesting because a lot of things my kids have done in their own time without lots of pushing and resistance from me- same with giving up the dummy / bottles/ potty training etc.

let’s see how tomorrow goes. Little one slept really quickly because there was no mayhem going on.. she’s also fallen asleep really quickly because there weren’t any distractions.

I think rather than thinking of it as firm try to be confident that it will work. That will help them. You need to believe that they are ready for this next stage. You can see something needs to change and you’re making that change for them which is really positive. I’m all for coalescing and staying with kids etc, if that’s what works, but when it stops working I think it’s a sign that a change is needed. They are distracted by you being there and need to learn to switch off and go to sleep somewhat independently which for now could be in their own bed. Audio books / guided meditation type things are worth a try.

Op I have a 5 and 2 year old who are in bed for the same time, they need it or they are hellish the next day.
do they have their own beds in their own rooms? Could you move them in together? My two have bunk beds, I lay with youngest on bottom bunk while eldest is in top bunk listening to an audio book or quietly reading a book. Then when youngest is asleep I stand beside my eldest (I'd lay with her if I could but her beds too high and I'd probably fall on my way down 😆) and hold her hand until she's asleep. Providing youngest hasn't had a danger nap bedtime is usually done within 30 mins.
I think it sounds like they just need bedtime switched up a bit, if you move them in together and they both get to fall asleep with you beside them you might find it a bit less stressful and they won't be fighting over you.

Honestly - they'd only 'go nuts' until they get used to it. It's like training puppies - do it gently but firmly and consistently 😅

Two single beds or mattresses on floor sit between them don't engage past the first shhh gentle hand on each darkened room don't let them get up keep laying them down. .....but divide and conquer is easier. Don't give in you can get 4 asleep this way.
Have you thought the 3 year old maybe over tiered they struggle to turn off when too tired.

I love it some people questioning their sleeping arrangements. That isn’t what this post is asking…. Why is it taking so long to fall asleep!
I have the same issue with my DD who has turned 4 recently, we start the routine around 7, sometimes we bath sometimes not, we have wall lights, we have a Yoto player, I’ve tried later bed times, I’ve tried earlier bed times….. the list is endless. It takes about 2hrs for her to fall asleep. The one thing I’ve found helps a little is Magnesium butter, rub some into her feet as part of her routine and it helps her relax.
good luck. X

Their bed time is fine. Start with 2 single beds in one room. Get them involved in picking their own bedding, make it exciting, Get really good black out curtains. Most importantly get an adult reading chair, only once the kids are snuggled in bed do you read 1 story of each of their choosing. It's okay to leave them to fall asleep on their own. The whole half hour it takes should be a wind down so low quiet voices, no arguing, no bargaining. Good luck 😉

That's great OP!

At your kids ages my kids also went up early, so they would be asleep by 7.30pm. They're teens now and during the school week they're in bed by 9pm. My eldest has her gcses so needs plenty of sleep!

Mine are all quite close in age, so once they all understood bed "times" we used to have a system that each night one got to stay up later than the other two for 1 on 1 time. I remember the first time my youngest asked to be allowed to join in with this, she was about 2 yo and it was the cutest thing. She sat with us, snaffled some pizza and had a blast!!

I've always been quite strict at bedtime. I don't make it a long, drawn out routine like some families do. And that's fine, we're all different. It was just wash, teeth, maybe a quick story or a sing song, into bed, lights off and parents went downstairs.

Sure, we be up and down the stairs sometimes resettling them, but I think it's important to teach them bed time is for sleeping in your own bed and falling asleep on your own. Honestly, I had very little trouble with mine, lighter evenings sometimes meant they weren't convinced it was actually bedtime, but a stick on black out blind helped that.

You started the routine so don't complain, do you really think a 3 and 5 year old in the same bed are going to just lie there until they fall asleep? Put them in their own beds, read to the 3 year old then the 5 year old and leave them to sleep in their separate beds in their separate rooms.

@mysunshin well done for tonight 🙂

Probably because you are putting them to bed in the afternoon. I think you need to experiment with times. They all need different amounts of sleep. My DD1 has always needed her sleep and would go up at 7.30pm bed by 8 every night it’s only been as she got much older this shifted back DD2 never needed as much sleep never napped and is better to go up at 8pm and more recently 9pm. However to work out the best times for them we had to play around for a while. However when it’s right there is no issue going to bed at all.

I think it’s lovely that you settle them together in a big bed, they must really love this time of day. Is likely they stay awake a bit longer to enjoy their time with you. I’m afraid other than starting bedtime even earlier I don’t have any suggestions for changing this, but I hope you’re enjoying the cuddles.

Excellent update OP!
That's a good start.