Why are my kids taking SO long to fall asleep at bed time ???!??!?

[mysunshin]

I went up with them at 6:40 and there’s just endless messing around, it’s so frustrating!

they are 3 and 5 and they still need me there to fall asleep. I don’t mind that too much ( not ideal but it is what it is )… we all get snuggled up in a big double bed, but there’s just endless messing around, kicking each other - chatting, just them going crazy.

I picked them up from school- they’ve had dinner, not too much screen time, bed time stories, but it still takes a good hour until they fall asleep. My little one was absolutely exhausted tonight and really needs his sleep.

if they get to sleep too late, the mornings are absolute hell, as they’re so upset to be woken up for the day. I always prefer for them to wake up in the morning on their own accord. That starts the day way better.

I am honestly shattered, spending nearly an hour every night of my fucking life up there- trying to get them to settle down. I don’t even care about the hour, all I’m doing is trying to get them to sleep because I’m dreading the morning so much. It’s such a stressful start to the day when they’re both screaming and crying because they’re so exhausted.

Why on earth are they being put to bed at 6.40?!! That's far too early, mine were not going to bed until at least 10pm at that age. They're not going to sleep because it's ridiculously early

10pm for a 5&3 year old?
i would say that's far too late.

op does say that's when she starts bedtime routine.

But they aren’t. Behaving. Or falling asleep. So do you want to change anythingi or just keep doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome?

@Gustavo77 10pm? Really? That's not normal for children of 3 and 5.

That is far too early to send them to bed. My three year old goes up at 7.30.

10pm, what time did they wake up?

You need to try a 20 minutes later bedtime each week until you find the time that they are tired. Likely to be different for each child. I found this hard becuase DH and I used to enjoy dinner together and chatting in peace. But the time comes and you have to start pushing back bedtimes.

You'd be surprised. They'll prob adapt quite quickly due to the novelty of having their own special space.

Yes unfortunately you do just need to be firm but I think getting them new beds, letting them chose their own quilts etc will shake things up enough that you can use the opportunity to set a new routine. But you’ll need to hold firm. It might take a few nights but they wil eventually get the message that things are different

We also have a Tonie box and they take it in turns to put an audio book on to listen to as they drift off. This works for night time waking too as we put it back on. There are some lovely Julia Donaldson ones

The Tonie box helps a lot here

Ds has also Co slept a lot, and we have often had him fall asleep in our bed and then move after, so I have nothing against bed sharing

But the last 6 months instead of book in our bed and falling asleep relatively quickly, he took longer and longer. He just needs time to fall asleep.

So around Christine we introduced He’s allowed Tonie on as long as he needs after we have tucke shim in in his bed. I still sit in my bed next door so he knows I’m close, and he needed us going in and out every 5-10 mins at first. But I just repeated that I was right next door reading my kindle and getting myself ready for bed and he gradually stays. He occasionally wants to fall asleep next to me still, but 95% of the time goes alone. He knows I’m close by. He takes 45-60mins still to fall asleep, so it’s often after 9pm now. But he falls asleep
calmly, there’s no messing around anymore and I can relax with a herbal tea and read kindle an hour so get own time

With 2 children I would read book together then spit them up with time each to fall asleep. You going in needed to reassure, but keep reminding you are just next door

My 3yo eats dinner at 6 and done by 6:20/6:30! No way is 6:40 bedtime.

For a 5yo that’s ridiculously early. They are not tired enough so no wonder they are struggling.

It’s NOT 6:40 bed time!!!! We went up at that time last night. Bath, teeth, PJs and story take a good while.

going up at 6:40, I would expect them to be asleep by 7:20 at the earliest.

Why on earth can you read properly before commenting ?

It’s worth putting in the time to sort bedtime out now because you’ll reap the benefits (and so will they).I know friends with 10 year olds who still mess about at bedtime so it’s worth sorting.

I think 6.40pm going up, and expecting then to be asleep by 7.20pm, with a bath, story, teeth and pjs all in 40 mins for 2 children is completely unrealistic.

Sure start at 6.40pm. But a bath, drying and changed is already at least 7.20pm without story, teeth, and time to settle. I would have thought expecting around 8pm earliest is more reasonable

I also find a bath winds mine up. Gets him all excited and playful. I do bathtime before dinner ( and not every day). That way bedtime routine is faster later on also and not so drawn out

I don’t do bath time every day either. My 5 year old has really bad ezcema, so it would be silly to have a bath every day.

I use the term bath- but I mean a wash of hands, face, teeth and a bidet. That’s what they have every night. They actually have a full bath only once or twice a week.

@mysunshin - I see. Yes an actual bath takes forever if they want to play.
Still, a Tonie might help, and also just time. I think most people take a while to fall asleep and not just instant falling asleep when head is on pillow. So maybe just expect at least 30mins of settling once in bed.

Not sure why you're getting so much stick here, OP. I think kids' sleep is one of those things that people think their way is the only correct way (if they're lucky enough to have good sleepers).

My kids are asleep at 6.45. We sometimes do bath etc before dinner to break it up and speed it up a bit.

To be honest, if you just buy a good mattress from IKEA and some slats, that could work if you have room. Or look for the KURA bed from IKEA - lots of cool formations you can use it for.

I looked after my nephews (6+9) last summer with my mum. She wearily told me that my sister said the older should sleep around 9. After a FULL day of kids' activities, farm trips, swimming pools, round the garden etc etc etc, WE were in bed at 9! So we said they both should go up at 7, read a bit, asleep by 7.30 and the older one read until 8, but he was usually sleeping by 7.30 too!. They were so much better rested and even got on better together!

So all these people putting kids to sleep later/ at 10 seems very odd to me.

It is not too early, OP. Very standard, actually. Similar to most parents I know.

I would say this would be a good age to phase this out. They are clearly older now and more distracted by one another and less soothed to sleep by just your presence. You don't need to do total cold turkey. As pp said, explain they are getting older now and start a new routine. Oldest reading in bed while you settle the youngest in their own room. Then pop into the oldest for a story but begin to encourage them to go to sleep without you. It doesn't just magically happen, you have to train them.

How much exercise do they get after school/nursery?
My DCs always had an hour of running around outside after tea, frequently it was longer. Bath etc at 7 - 7.30, in bed by 8. They shared a room until they were 6 and 8.

It sounds exhausting OP, it might be time to ease into not staying the whole time.

It also helps if they've had a lot of time running around outside that day, physical and mental exhaustion are different but being physically tired can help them sleep.

Just start with "mummy is just going to the toilet, you snuggle up here and I'll be back in a minute," then just get gradually longer until you reach "I'll be back to check on you in a little bit, sweet dreams."

The last thing that might help is shifting the bath to the morning or after they've been playing outside. My DD was too hot and excited after a bath, that it made bedtime harder. Not all kids are the same, so don't worry about switching things around to work for you and the kids you've got.

Thing is, it doesn’t seem to be working any more, so you need to change it.

in own beds, nice and dark, light bedding of rooms are warm.

shushing them and not really engaging in conversation. And make sure you’re getting them ready early enough. Too late and it’s almost impossible to get them to drop off.

writing this reminds me what bedtimes used to be like, don’t worry, it won’t last forever!

Cuddles! They don't need them non-stop, they'll adapt but it's you that is encouraging them to be dependent on them. You're the cause of your own problem.

I'm not being funny OP but why on earth are the three of you snuggling up in one bed? It's like a slumber party of course they are messing about!
Separate beds - or rooms if you can. Are they napping at all in the day?

then they need to unknow it. Seriously you will get no peace if you carry on like this.