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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that female prison officers who fall in love with inmates are idiots?

181 replies

YourAmplePlumPoster · 19/05/2025 17:47

Following on from my romance scammers thread, I'd like to see the justifications for this
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cdxqlneeng7o.amp

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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2011j · 20/05/2025 06:37

Roadtripitis · 19/05/2025 17:54

As an ex cop of thirty years (so come across lots of criminals) I can’t imagine for a second being stupid enough to find them attractive or have sex with one.

You can't? Really?

WellDoneThatSupremeCourt · 20/05/2025 07:39

Dramatic · 19/05/2025 18:25

That's insane. You're saying you empathise more with a murderer than with a woman having sex with an inmate?!

There are many motives for murder which are at least understandable.

MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 07:45

Devilsmommy · 19/05/2025 18:46

I get what you're saying but a female officer can't rape a prisoner like a male officer could. That's the difference I think

But in many cases, the guards arent violently raping the female prisoners. They're grooming them ir blackmailing them but it isnt like theyre being physically overpowered as such.

Roadtripitis · 20/05/2025 08:57

2011j · 20/05/2025 06:37

You can't? Really?

No.

OP posts:
MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 09:27

Honestly, I know a lot of people that have gone to prison, men and women, and none of the women who have been to prison here have ever spoken about sex/relationships/rape by male guards.

One woman told me about an affair between a female prisoner and female guard but that's it. And the guys speak about this kind of thing happening often with female guards.

YellowCamperVan · 20/05/2025 09:35

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/05/2025 18:02

I worked with offenders at 18. Not in a million years was I mature enough to make adult decisions regarding it.

A 21 yo female guard should never have been able to be alone with any inmates.

I disagree tbh. Age has little bearing on maturity. Most people who commit these abuses of power aren't super young. I was volunteering then working with offenders at 19-24 and would never in a million years have broken any kind of professional boundaries. Linda de Sousa Abreu was in her thirties. That will not have been a one off. Her sentencing remarks make it clear that other instances of sexual activity took place. She is a disgrace.

I'm pleased that woman was imprisoned and I hope it sends a message. Officers that engage in sexual contact/'relationships' with offenders are committing a great abuse of power, these people are in their care, they have a huge amount of power over them, they are in charge of providing care for them. It is impossible to have a balanced relationship in those circumstances and anyone that does should be punished to the full extent of the law to ensure it's a deterrence to others who might be tempted.

Prison is hard, it's difficult, to survive as a staff member it's normal to become pally with offenders, but you must never forget the dynamics of your roles and the professional ethics that mandate never crossing that line, for so many reasons.

YellowCamperVan · 20/05/2025 09:39

MyOliveHelper · 20/05/2025 09:27

Honestly, I know a lot of people that have gone to prison, men and women, and none of the women who have been to prison here have ever spoken about sex/relationships/rape by male guards.

One woman told me about an affair between a female prisoner and female guard but that's it. And the guys speak about this kind of thing happening often with female guards.

I think culturally speaking, people are aware in those positions that a male officer having sexual contact with a female prisoner will be seen in a far dimmer light than a female officer having sexual contact with a male offender. You only need to see the public response. A majority of people took the approach 'wow, lucky guy, good for him!'. Similar to when stories of male teens being molested by female adults are reacted to with 'oh lucky guy I'd have loved that at that age'.

I feel many women feel more confident they can get away with it.

KimberleyClark · 20/05/2025 09:39

Some women are attracted to violent/dangerous men sadly. And becoming a prison officer is a good way of meeting them.

CountryQueen · 20/05/2025 09:42

2011j · 20/05/2025 06:37

You can't? Really?

You’d have to be around them to know but I agree. Fucking grim the lot of them. Honestly makes me feel a bit sick

KnittyNell · 20/05/2025 09:48

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/05/2025 18:02

I worked with offenders at 18. Not in a million years was I mature enough to make adult decisions regarding it.

A 21 yo female guard should never have been able to be alone with any inmates.

Nor everyone is the same. At the age of 21 I was married with two children and running a business.
Stop making excuses for bad behaviour.

YellowCamperVan · 20/05/2025 10:01

Wow. Read through the court documents from Linda de Sousa Abreu.

When she was caught, she claimed the prisoner had raped her, and that the second prison that filmed it had also coerced/pressure her. To save her own skin. Absolutely vile.

TotemPolly · 20/05/2025 10:02

Ok so I was late 30s when I worked in a prison . I was a civilian ( non uniform ) working in the education dept . Had a classroom of 15 ( male ) prisoners , and sometimes 1 to 1 in certain situations . A officer patrolled the department , but corridors not in classrooms ( glass fronted for security )

In my 10 years of working there I was never in a situation that could turn into flirting , touching or further . This was because my demeanour was set so they knew not to try to get into that . They would know not to go there .

The prison was for adult males 18+ , I was kind , approachable , did my job , the classroom vibe was calm , relaxing and to a degree happy .
At the start of a session 8.30am - 11.30 am I would take in a newspaper and we would debate world news etc .

You would sometimes get someone a bit bolshy , but their fellow inmates would stop any behaviour getting out of hand ( non violently obviously )

The point I'm making is that many of these women see these men as hero's , they are drawn to bad men and perhaps were looking for that , and that is why they applied for positions in the prison service .

Sunontheair · 20/05/2025 10:05

I know your appearance shouldn’t matter when getting a job, but I do always wonder about what employers are thinking when these young, over done women apply to work in a men’s prison. Surely the person employing them should be asking “why do you want to work here?” But also looking at these highly sexualised young women and think that’s not a great thing to throw into the mix of a men’s prison.

CharityShopMensGlasses · 20/05/2025 10:06

Am I the only one who thinks she did this for notorioty to have a successful only fans in the future? I don't think it was falling in love.

KimberleyClark · 20/05/2025 10:10

The point I'm making is that many of these women see these men as hero's , they are drawn to bad men and perhaps were looking for that , and that is why they applied for positions in the prison service .

Yes. Plenty saw Raul Moat as a hero.

housethatbuiltme · 20/05/2025 10:12

I worked (not in a position of power but a kitchen/waiting service role) with young offenders right after I left school at 16.

I was forced to work there by the job centre for free because I wasn't at college and I can honestly say I hated being around angry chavvy boys all day.

Although I never got physically hurt/assaulted I was on edge constantly (image a whole day of work being catcalled and harassed by a large group of builders when theres 1 of you and 50 of them, felt similar to that) and they certainly weren't on any planet 'sexy' to me.

YellowCamperVan · 20/05/2025 10:13

Sunontheair · 20/05/2025 10:05

I know your appearance shouldn’t matter when getting a job, but I do always wonder about what employers are thinking when these young, over done women apply to work in a men’s prison. Surely the person employing them should be asking “why do you want to work here?” But also looking at these highly sexualised young women and think that’s not a great thing to throw into the mix of a men’s prison.

Obviously they ask in interviews what draws someone to the role. It's not hard to say something like wanting to make a difference. And YABU to assume women are attending interviews with heavy makeup. The prison service cannot and should not be offering or not offering jobs based on the appearance of the applicant ffs. Plenty of young attractive women work in prisons and maintain firm boundaries and do amazing work.

YourAmplePlumPoster · 20/05/2025 10:13

2011j · 20/05/2025 06:37

You can't? Really?

Just look at the mug shots of these prisoners and their vile crimes. What can a woman find attractive about them?

OP posts:
TotemPolly · 20/05/2025 10:13

Sunontheair · 20/05/2025 10:05

I know your appearance shouldn’t matter when getting a job, but I do always wonder about what employers are thinking when these young, over done women apply to work in a men’s prison. Surely the person employing them should be asking “why do you want to work here?” But also looking at these highly sexualised young women and think that’s not a great thing to throw into the mix of a men’s prison.

I commented on this thread , and mine is just above yours . Obviously prison officers are in uniform , but civilians are non uniformed ( as I was )
You are told no revealing clothes but I've seen some women dressed in what I wouldn't class as appropriate . I have had quiet words with members of staff in my department to remind them . No stomachs on view , no low tops ( also check yourself when bending forward ) no short dress / skirt length etc . It's not rocket science but you sometimes do wonder about their intent .

Conniebygaslight · 20/05/2025 10:27

Completely groomed and manipulated I'd say

Whatevernext9 · 20/05/2025 10:28

YourAmplePlumPoster · 19/05/2025 18:05

This woman sounds mentally ill, and should have been sacked when her probation was extended because she was ‘suspected of an inappropriate relationship with two prisoners’ (from the article. Arrested in May 2023, in bed with a new ‘partner’ (who she’s no longer with) in May 2024 when ‘something happened to her spine’. She sounds unstable and incapable of being alone for five minutes.

On the wider point - prison staff require zero qualifications, have the shortest training period in Europe, and very limited support - often managed by people who have been there for just months longer than them. The cult of Kardashian-ising oneself has permeated even the prison service so that it’s not uncommon to see young women with fake lips, long hair and nails. Unsurprisingly they get loads of attention, mistake that for thinking they’re special and then are easily convinced to bring in drugs and phones etc. And then you get some unlucky situations where people do develop feelings - not unusual either, prisons are intense environments - and people foolishly act on them. That’s not uncommon in all kinds of ill-advised situations is it? People are silly, shock horror.

FunMustard · 20/05/2025 10:30

I think it must be the same as those women who fall in love with criminals and get married?

I honestly can't fathom it. Sure I can understand that if you have close contact with a murderer, for example, and they're charismatic, that you might superficially like them - but anything else? No way. It's grooming at the very least surely?

Whatevernext9 · 20/05/2025 10:32

YellowCamperVan · 20/05/2025 09:39

I think culturally speaking, people are aware in those positions that a male officer having sexual contact with a female prisoner will be seen in a far dimmer light than a female officer having sexual contact with a male offender. You only need to see the public response. A majority of people took the approach 'wow, lucky guy, good for him!'. Similar to when stories of male teens being molested by female adults are reacted to with 'oh lucky guy I'd have loved that at that age'.

I feel many women feel more confident they can get away with it.

I think you’re right, but it’s odd that so few men who do this are ultimately prosecuted. It’s usually covered up rather than charged, and even charges are rarely reported on with such glee at the perp getting caught. No photos etc (prob because these women often make it very easy to create a story with their social media).

Whatevernext9 · 20/05/2025 10:35

FunMustard · 20/05/2025 10:30

I think it must be the same as those women who fall in love with criminals and get married?

I honestly can't fathom it. Sure I can understand that if you have close contact with a murderer, for example, and they're charismatic, that you might superficially like them - but anything else? No way. It's grooming at the very least surely?

People who are convicted of murder also have other personality traits! Once someone has served their sentence and is living in the community of course they’ll meet people and make friends and even relationships. You don’t see that because the media only shows the crime and the worst side, but to think of two example - Leslie Grantham (Den from Eastenders) and Erwin James (writer for the Guardian) both had totally different lives after their prison time.