To think that I’m not responsible for her hurt feelings

[LuluAgainstTheMachine]

Getting married next week, let’s say for argument’s sake in a country like Sweden, where my fiancé is from. I am originally from a far away country, let’s say Argentina (in terms of distance). Both fiancé and I live in the UK, where we met and have been our whole adult lives. My family is coming from Argentina to Sweden.

My parents are very acrimoniously separated and my dad has a new partner. They are still in the throes of an awful divorce (new gf is not the other woman), and my five siblings and I are stuck in the middle. I said gf cannot come to the wedding, that’s been clear from the outset, I’m not comfortable with it and we’ve not met.

They booked their flights and Dad said he was bringing GF with him from Argentina. I said how nice and reiterated that she was not invited. It has been clear throughout.

Dad has just asked again if she can come, and again I’ve said no. He’s said he understands but that she is hurt because she’s come all this way.

AIBU that it’s not my fault you’ve travelled halfway around the world for a wedding you’re not invited to? Nothing against the woman as such, apart from the fact I feel the acrimony between my parents has increased (read: skyrocketed) since they got together.

YANBU - she’s a mug
YABU - extend some kindness and invite her, Argentina to Sweden is far

You made it clear from the start of course yanbu

Surely the fact that she's travelled all that way doesn't mean she has to attend the wedding? She and your dad can still have a holiday!

You made it clear all along that she is not invited so I think YANBU

YANBU - you were very clear before any tickets were booked, and it sounds as if her presence would add significant tension to the day.

If he pushes the issue tell him you're happy for him not to come either.

You haven't met her, how on earth does he think that's reasonable.

No. YANBU and you had the measure of him, knowing he'd do this, when you reiterated twice that she can't come. Stick to your guns.

Your dad is taking the piss. You have been clear and he decided he'd strong arm you into doing his will by presenting you this option. He shouldn't have brought her, id be telling him if he doesn't back off he won't be invited either.

I can only imagine your mother left him and this is perhaps an example of his behavior and why...

Your wedding is not the place to meet her. You were clear from the start. She and your dad are taking the piss.

Forget about her.
Your father is a cheeky fxcker.
Tell him not to mention her again in conjunction with your wedding.
You have made yourself crystal clear.
How selfish of him to be hassling you like this.
Awful behaviour.

Who knows what she’s been told.

Your dad, however, is taking the piss.

If he doesn’t stop taking the piss right now, he would have his invitation withdrawn.

Of course YANBU.
She can stay away and have a nice holiday.

That's very poor form on your father's part. Can he not be away from her for a few days? I suspect he'll spend the whole trip asking if he can bring her to the associated meet ups before and after the wedding. I'd keep saying no.

YANBU at all but expect her to turn up on the day and be ready to not let her in

If she is to become your step mother it is better to start off on good terms. Let her come. It’s not like you have to sit next to her.

YANBU, it's not your fault she traveled it's his, no doubt he told her it would be fine. She can still have a holiday and meet the family afterwards, no one is stopping that.

Honestly though, if it were me I'd have assumed all along he would bring her as a plus one to the wedding. That way you wouldn't really be inviting HER, but respecting that your father is allowed a plus one, which is normal for any other wedding invitee.

Manipulation 101. Don't be manipulated.

GF isn't invited to the wedding
She's booked plane tickets...
That's nice, GF isn't invited to the wedding
But she's travelled all this way
That's nice, GF isn't invited to the wedding
But she will be all alone
That's not my issue, GF isn't invited to the wedding
It's time to build some bridges
MY WEDDING isn't the place for carpentry
Oh, but she's here now, thought it'd be ok.
Security.. escort her out.

Your wedding has enough stress without entitled idiots thinking it's all about them.

Stick to your guns. You're within your rights to invite only those who you love and cherish to your wedding. The invitees do however have every right to choose not to attend your wedding, if they choose to side with the uninvited, that's their perogative.

No it's not! I had 70 spaces and 70 people, which didn't include any "maybe they'll bring someone" plus one spaces.

As you are getting married in your fiancé's country can he/his family recommend something she can do on the day of the wedding... I'd send her a message with 'would love to see you at some point but I don't want parental drama on the day of my wedding... there's a lovely spa in the town etc etc' you need to hold your ground graciously. X

a new gf isn't necessarily going to be the next wife and definitely not "step mother". Adults getting married wouldnt have "step mother". They arent babies. Dads new wife would be dads (new) wife.

If anything, think about the pictures!
picture the scene... you're looking at the pictures 15 yrs later aand you're eye is taken to some random woman who later turned into dads crazy psycho stalker ex she's in all the pictures hanging off dad like a bad suit..., do you remember when she poured that glass of wine down aunt Agnes because she called her a slapper for twerking to the macarena?...

Definitely not.

Weddings don't need unknowns. Weddings dont need the new partners of people going through a divorce, It's not like dad is a "bit part" keep out of site guest. He's dad, front and centre. Anyone could have a few glasses of wine and start bitching about something...

No, wey.

You'll have to be blunt. Just because she got on a flight doesn't mean she is invited or can barge your wedding. They're being manipulative.

Her feelings are your dad's problem. I expect he told her she was invited thinking you would back down once you knew she'd already booked her tickets.

In your position I'd tell him you understand if he doesn't want to attend the wedding without his new girlfriend and you look forward to seeing him and meeting her for the first time next time you're in Argentina.

I assume she is coming to have a holiday with your Dad. He is trying to guilt you into allowing him bring to the wedding. If he brings it up again tell him that she is not invited to the wedding nor did you request that she flies to Sweden. Tell him that you will arrange for her to be removed if she attempts to attend and that you are no longer willing to discuss the topic.

What kind of weddings have you been to? She also doesn’t have to be in the pictures.

My DH had a step mother he adored. He cried equally at both his mothers and step mothers funerals. She made his father happy and that meant a lot.

I don’t really care what the OP does but I’m a live and let live type. Laying the foundations of long lasting relationships on bad terms is a recipe for disaster. If he marries the woman she will be in your life OP like it or not.

OP is an adult. Even if her dad married this pushy woman, she would be dad's wife, not a stepmother. But they're not married and gf is already being intrusive on OP's important life moments.

The 'but Hilda's come all this way!!!' argument doesn't wash if she knew before she even booked the tickets that she wasn't invited. This is probably more about getting one over on your mother, and that kind of energy is not what you want or need at your wedding.