To think that I’m not responsible for her hurt feelings

[LuluAgainstTheMachine]

Getting married next week, let’s say for argument’s sake in a country like Sweden, where my fiancé is from. I am originally from a far away country, let’s say Argentina (in terms of distance). Both fiancé and I live in the UK, where we met and have been our whole adult lives. My family is coming from Argentina to Sweden.

My parents are very acrimoniously separated and my dad has a new partner. They are still in the throes of an awful divorce (new gf is not the other woman), and my five siblings and I are stuck in the middle. I said gf cannot come to the wedding, that’s been clear from the outset, I’m not comfortable with it and we’ve not met.

They booked their flights and Dad said he was bringing GF with him from Argentina. I said how nice and reiterated that she was not invited. It has been clear throughout.

Dad has just asked again if she can come, and again I’ve said no. He’s said he understands but that she is hurt because she’s come all this way.

AIBU that it’s not my fault you’ve travelled halfway around the world for a wedding you’re not invited to? Nothing against the woman as such, apart from the fact I feel the acrimony between my parents has increased (read: skyrocketed) since they got together.

YANBU - she’s a mug
YABU - extend some kindness and invite her, Argentina to Sweden is far

I am pretty sure knows she isn’t invited, at one point she was apparently telling him she might go to a different country on holiday as a way of “coping” with not being invited. My siblings who’ve met her have openly talked about the wedding.

🤣🤣🤣 yes it’s nothing at all to do with the bride and groom… just the comfort of the guest being hosted at an event.

I am hosting my guests very lavishly with abundant food, wine, dancing, music and merriment. My dad will have many of his family there, he won’t be alone. I don’t feel I’m being ungenerous

But she isn’t a guest @3pointmountain - she isn’t invited.

inviting her would cause more unease with the couple and with @LuluAgainstTheMachine mum - creating an even more tense atmosphere. Why the hell should anyone put up with that on their wedding day? It should be all about them - not catering to the whims of all their guests.

No, but the father is.

Why don't wedding guests, including parents, just take heed of the bride & groom's wishes.

Hopefully, they won't turn up together on you wedding day.

So what’s your point, exactly? That all guests should always have a +1 even when it will cause significant distress to others? That a man’s family cannot reasonably expect to ever be enough for him? Come on

@3pointmountain and when it’s his wedding he can invite - or not - whoever he wants.

This is not his wedding.

This is not his party.

This is not his decision.

This is not about him.

he doesn’t have to attend if this crosses a boundary for him.

Depends on the wedding, if it's a church with lots of space she can come to that, if there is then a reception for a fixed number of guests she can't come to that. She can go sight seeing or back to the hotel or whatever else there is to do for tourists locally while your dad goes to the reception.

You’ve made it clear throughout that she isn’t invited. Fine for her to travel with your dad, for them to turn the trip into a holiday together.
But your wedding is supposed to be the happiest day of your life, a day for you and your husband to celebrate your love for each other with the people you are close to.
You are not close to this girlfriend, you haven’t met her. For your dad to repeatedly ask to bring her is insensitive and stressful.
I would make it clear one more time that she isn’t invited to the wedding and tell him to allow you the respect of not asking again.
You have my sympathy as I’m currently dealing with a very similar situation!

I’ll eat my hat if he doesn’t bring her to both the wedding and the reception.

Sorry to hear you’re in a similar boat, it’s very stressful!

I think this is a good idea! Make your choice dad!

The wedding is in a church, followed by a reception. Would be lying if I said I wasn’t dreading it

We had divorced parents stress at our wedding so I sympathise

i would be tempted to message him and tell him he is adding unnecessary stress to the run up to your wedding day and you want him to confirm once and for all that the gf isn’t coming and if he can’t do that then he should also stay away

i wish we had laid down the law to fil before the wedding because he did put a dampener on things

3Pountmountain. When hosting a family event i think its more about the comfort and enjoyment of those known and loved by the host, Eg her mother, not someone she has never met

But this random woman who op has never met is not a guest. She hasn't been invited.

It sounds as if it will be difficult enough for op having her divorcing parents there, without lobbing dad's new girlfriend into the mix.

Her dad and his new gf have been rude and entitled.

I also suspect he might just bring her along.

Do you have a plan in case that happens?

No. And trying to force your hand isn't exactly conducive to further good relations. She's an adult and even though not the other woman, should be able to accept that an acrimonious divorce and tensions do not need added fuel to the fire on a wedding day.

This.

If she tags along, you won’t know until you’re walking down the aisle - catching sight of her in the congregation would cause you unfair stress & upset.
Are any of your siblings/friends willing to run interference and ask her to leave if she turns up? And make it clear to your dad beforehand that this will happen.

You appear entirely unable to see any nuance. The comfort and enjoyment of guests should not come at the expense of the happiness of others, particularly not the couple who are actually getting married. The comfort and enjoyment of guests is also just one factor and not the sole purpose of hosting guests at a wedding. The primary purpose is...the wedding.

Your dad is being so unreasonable and selfish. He is not thinking of this as your special day or that why on earth would you want your Mother to feel extra uncomfortable or to meet a stranger on your wedding day. It’s really unbelievable how selfish he is. Hope you have a fab wedding!!

If he does this I’d ask them both leave as he will create a sour atmosphere regardless as sure this man child will then get the hump. The audacity of them both is shocking! Why does she even want to attend when you have made it clear she isn’t invited and your mother will be there too.

I’m so sorry OP. I hope you and your husband get to have an enjoyable day.

No she can’t come. OP and the groom don’t want her there, it’s their wedding!