To think that I’m not responsible for her hurt feelings

[LuluAgainstTheMachine]

Getting married next week, let’s say for argument’s sake in a country like Sweden, where my fiancé is from. I am originally from a far away country, let’s say Argentina (in terms of distance). Both fiancé and I live in the UK, where we met and have been our whole adult lives. My family is coming from Argentina to Sweden.

My parents are very acrimoniously separated and my dad has a new partner. They are still in the throes of an awful divorce (new gf is not the other woman), and my five siblings and I are stuck in the middle. I said gf cannot come to the wedding, that’s been clear from the outset, I’m not comfortable with it and we’ve not met.

They booked their flights and Dad said he was bringing GF with him from Argentina. I said how nice and reiterated that she was not invited. It has been clear throughout.

Dad has just asked again if she can come, and again I’ve said no. He’s said he understands but that she is hurt because she’s come all this way.

AIBU that it’s not my fault you’ve travelled halfway around the world for a wedding you’re not invited to? Nothing against the woman as such, apart from the fact I feel the acrimony between my parents has increased (read: skyrocketed) since they got together.

YANBU - she’s a mug
YABU - extend some kindness and invite her, Argentina to Sweden is far

She must be pretty dim, knowing she wasn’t invited to your wedding and yet she chose to fly such a long distance just in case you cave in and change your mind………silly woman

Think of it as choosing between yours and your husbands special day, your family’s day, and your Mum, versus the feelings of someone you have never met….

So if you hosted a BBQ in your back garden and then people who you have never met before and hadn’t been invited turned up……. you would just offer them up your food and hospitality, because hosting an event is about the comfort and enjoyment of UNinvited guests. I very much doubt it!

OP, why would you want someone at your wedding that you’ve never met? And what sort of a father would want to make difficulties for his daughter, to say nothing of upsetting her mother, on her wedding day? You are not being at all unreasonable - your father is trying to guilt you into having this woman to your wedding. Don’t give in to his bullying tactics.

How bizarre for him to keep forcing it on you.
Surely she can just do some sightseeing or chill in a cafe or bar for a few hours while your dad attends?

It's definitely more his fault than hers. I can only imagine if she's 'hurt' it's because he painted it as she was welcome and you 'changed your mind.'

What a prick for not simply adhering to your wishes.

Surely your dad can see that's it's just not appropriate for her to attend at this point in time? I'm always the more the merrier type, but he's being so unreasonable with this. I'm sorry I didn't read all the replies, but is her saying she's going to go somewhere else her way of making him feel guilty?

The same thing happened before my daughter’s wedding. Her father was told that his very new girlfriend wasn’t invited but he brought her anyway. Male entitlement at its finest 🙄

Your dad didn’t respect your mum, and now he isn’t respecting you either.

YANBU - he needs to stop being an arsehole before he finds that he can’t go to the wedding either

Tell your dad you will not be manipulated, he’s the cause of her hurt, he should have managed her expectations by explaining a wedding is no place to meet someone when your DM &DF are in the middle of an angry time. This is about you, not him and if he steps one foot in the church or wedding breakfast with her you will stand up and publicly announce that she’s not invited, he knew that, ignored you and sadly you’ve no choice but to ask them to both to leave- now

Your dad is being a grade A prick and making your wedding all about him. My parents were in a horrid divorce hellscape when I got married and my dad was desperately ill with cancer. His girlfriend dropped him off and collected him because he couldn't drive and otherwise stayed the fuck away because I didn't invite her and she isn't a dickhead. So disrespectful to you and your mum.

But the gf being present will spoil it for OP's mum, who is definitely more important to OP than some woman OP has never even met before.

Her dad sounds like a bit of dick. He knew that his gf wasn't invited but brought her anyway and is now trying to put pressure on OP to invite her. That's not the behaviour of a caring father, so why should OP worry about his comfort and enjoyment?

YABU because you are getting dragged into a divorce that isn't yours. Confirm that she isn't invited, and that you would love to meet her and make friends after the wedding and honeymoon are over. Make that a priority, but clearly draw a line over your wedding.

It's your wedding, you get to invite who you choose! I think your dad needs to stop acting provocatively and do what's best for YOU. Your parents may not be together now but you were once a family and it is absolutely reasonable that you invite your parents, and it is also absolutely reasonable that they behave in a civilised way when in the same room as each other. But new partners can go shopping for the day, or a nice hike etc. They can get to know you more another day, when the time is right for you.

Oh no @ShiftingSand that's horrible! I'm sorry you had to navigate that.

Did she turn up to the actual wedding/meal?!?!

A similar thing happened at my sisters wedding. Dad was with the other woman and sister told him she wasn't invited because she didn't want mum to feel uncomfortable at her wedding. Dad refused to go to the wedding and never saw his daughter get married.

Hold firm. You've been nothing but clear and there are plenty of sightseeing activities, tours, shopping, museums, restaurants, concerts, she could occupy herself with for the day and evening of the wedding. I'd let him know you're mind is made up and you don't want to discuss the issue further. She isn't family.

You could meet her separately if you wish but aren't obliged and you're absolutely reasonable either way. This is your wedding.

No means no. You're better than me. I'd tell dad "you know what? YOU'RE not invited, either!" And then I'd recruit my most Down For Whatever friends/family to ensure he stays out by removing him if he appears.

Dad hurt his own feelings by flying his girlfriend out to a wedding she wasn't invited to, to pressure his daughter, the bride, into accepting her?

No, I can't imagine why he's being divorced by your mom at all.....

Absolutely not- he’s tried to force your hand by bringing her over hoping to guilt trip you into an invite for her. Terrible behaviour.

He's going to show up with her on the day.

This is a really difficult situation. It should be the happiest day of your life but given he's completely ignored you and brought her anyway I think I'd be a bit worried he might just turn up with her. 😟

YANBU. I know it’s not nice to hear bad things about your parent, but your father sounds like a self centred, manipulative man child. He sounds narcissistic.

This is 100% about playing games with your mum. As for the gf, I’d suspect that she isn’t as bothered as he makes out. Alternatively, she may have been told she has been uninvited.

either way, it sounds like your dad has found a gullible fool to help with his dirty work.

You know how to deal with your Dad - ignore his 'woe with me attitude'! I hope you have a lovely day and manage to enjoy your wedding; two fingers up to any idiot who tries to hijack the occasion for their own pathetic reasons! Best wishes.

Sounds like he’s trying to do another version of upsetting your Mum, and expecting you to console her. On your wedding day!! Sorry op, he doesn’t sound like a very nice man

This. I would ring her and your father - actually speak, not text - and say that you would love to meet up for lunch or dinner with them both so you can get to know her but you don’t want to cause hurt feelings or family drama by including new partners at your wedding at this time and thank you very much for your understanding. On the actual day of the wedding, I can recommend that you go to x and y tourist places and you’ve heard that z is very good as well.

I think diplomacy is the key here. A skill which goes over the heads of a lot of mumsnetters.

I assume your mum isn’t bringing a new boyfriend?