To think that I’m not responsible for her hurt feelings

[LuluAgainstTheMachine]

Getting married next week, let’s say for argument’s sake in a country like Sweden, where my fiancé is from. I am originally from a far away country, let’s say Argentina (in terms of distance). Both fiancé and I live in the UK, where we met and have been our whole adult lives. My family is coming from Argentina to Sweden.

My parents are very acrimoniously separated and my dad has a new partner. They are still in the throes of an awful divorce (new gf is not the other woman), and my five siblings and I are stuck in the middle. I said gf cannot come to the wedding, that’s been clear from the outset, I’m not comfortable with it and we’ve not met.

They booked their flights and Dad said he was bringing GF with him from Argentina. I said how nice and reiterated that she was not invited. It has been clear throughout.

Dad has just asked again if she can come, and again I’ve said no. He’s said he understands but that she is hurt because she’s come all this way.

AIBU that it’s not my fault you’ve travelled halfway around the world for a wedding you’re not invited to? Nothing against the woman as such, apart from the fact I feel the acrimony between my parents has increased (read: skyrocketed) since they got together.

YANBU - she’s a mug
YABU - extend some kindness and invite her, Argentina to Sweden is far

That’s nice for your DH. OP’s situation is very different.

Thanks all. Yes, I do feel let down by my father on this and that he is being very selfish. Of course it would cause drama to have her there. And emotionally, while he can date whomever he chooses and I’m glad he’s got someone, I don’t want a new person in the mix on my wedding day. I said I’d go for dinner with them in Sweden on another day.

“I’ve made it clear from the beginning that x is not invited to the wedding. My decision on that will not change so please do not ask again”

anything about her hurt feelings should be met with “I made you aware dad of her not being invited and you should have therefore managed her expectations”

no further discussion. Anything else that comes “this has already been discussed”

Absolutely not. He is trying to do what he likes and expects you to accommodate. If your parents got on very well then I might, but it is already potentially awkward adding in new partners is a stress you do not need on your wedding day.

"No she cant come to wedding. It would be lovely to meet your new girlfriend. Shall we go for a meal together while you are here?" (Choose a date after wedding!)

Just be prepared for her to turn up anyway

No, you are not responsible for the fact that this woman has travelled to attend a wedding it was clear she wasn't invited to. In your position I'd be pretty angry with my dad for thinking he could manipulate me into having her there against my wishes. If his gf is hurt that's entirely down to him for allowing her to think if she turned up regardless you'd change your mind.

Use the statements below in order, building up to the last one of he’s still pushing!

I look forward to meeting her after the wedding when I can concentrate on getting to know her.

At the wedding I’ll be distracted and worrying about how everyone is getting along. I’ll be able to enjoy meeting her properly when the wedding is over.

I want to be free to enjoy the celebration, not refereeing!

If there were any falling out at our wedding, I would find that very hard to forgive.

Ugh. If ceremony is in a public type place like church he will probably smuggle her in, then make it awkward for her to leave after, photos etc.

I think your feelings trump hers, it’s your wedding day. Shame your dad can’t see it from your point of view. Hope you have a lovely day.

You are not being unreasonable.

I would again make it very clear that she isn’t invited to the wedding. It is your day and as him and your mum aren’t even divorced yet it’s just not going to create a great atmosphere if she’s there.

Tell him you would love to make plans for dinner, the day out etc with him and his GF whilst she’s here so it shows there’s no hard feelings but definitely stand firm on the wedding invite.

It’s not your fault she’s an idiot.

My friend has guests turn up to her wedding (invited by her MIL) for the dinner part. She made them leave and said they could return for the reception. Your father is rude and his GF is an idiot.

Oh someone did this at my wedding, brought them from USA and then said oh can they not come they have travelled so far. I had to be very firm and say no. I'm not even sure if the partner knew they were not invited, I suspect not, and my family member thought I would cave in last minute.

This is on your dad. I think you have been perfectly reasonable and I would feel let down by him too. Don't let him push his agenda or guilt on to you. Maintain your boundaries and enjoy.

Is there a chance he’s not been brave enough to tell her she’s not invited yet ?! Absolutely don’t feel the pressure - you’ve made your boundaries clear (& bloody good for you!!!) this is your day lovely, you get to choose who’s invited. End of!
Have the best day

YANBU

You made it very clear she wasn’t invited, and your wedding is not the place to be meeting new people, whoever they are (unless they’re someone in your fiancé’s family etc).

He’s being especially unreasonable if his relationship has been adding to the acrimony, as it’s just bringing that acrimony to your wedding, the last thing you need. Honestly, there are some men who can’t just stand on their own two feet! Who have to have a partner there to feel justified somehow.

It also sounds like he’s trying to get one over on your Mum by having here there.

You obviously can’t ban her from the whole of Sweden, but you can stop him adding drama to your wedding by having her there.

If he presses just tell him it wouldn’t be appropriate. It’s not the appropriate time to introduce her and as this is YOUR event and you want both your parents there it wouldn’t be wholly inappropriate to have his new partner as a guest no matter how lovely eye may be.

and if he and she can’t see this then they aren’t that lovely at all.

I think she should have been invited.....

Been here and it is a very difficult situation. Your wedding is your special day and your DF and new GF should be supportive and not make this all about them and an opportunity to muscle in. If she did turn up I would be furious and it could seriously impact the day. I would be making it crystal clear that this is not to happen and looking for family to support me in managing the situation if she does turn up. Tactically I might arrange to have dinner with them when they arrive. This would be a nice thing to do anyway. You can use this as an opportunity to reinforce that you are of course sorry, but it is not possible given the ongoing rawness of the divorce for her to attend. If she turns up after you have done this, then I think she goes into the hotel lake.

Oh God, my dad did this for my university graduation. We told him his gf (who WAS the OW, and also the same age as me) wasn’t invited, but he brought her anyway, and we were all apparently being horrible for not welcoming her with open arms.

You’re not being U - he’s a selfish boundary-pushing arsehole, making this all about him, and also putting his gf in a very awkward position.

Why do people blame the woman? No one knows what she has been told, or I missed a post where the OP discussed it with her directly.
She might be a CF expecting to barge in, or she might have been told she is invited! And in that case, poor woman.

It's your dad who is to blame! HE has been told repeatedly she wasn't invited and he is still pushing.

As above, be prepared that he brings her along on the actual wedding, they made it that far in the country.

YANBU and have a trusted guest on hand to be ready to ask her to leave if she tries to gatecrash.

OP has said the GF is hurt and wants to attend because she’s come all this way.

People will take that at face value. Yes, it’s possible she doesn’t want to come but it’s equally possible she is pushing to attend, else why travel so far?

I doubt she came along on a whim, and I doubt it's her being a mug. Far more likely this is your father's doing, thinking he can successfully talk you round. New gf might not even know yet that she's not invited, or else he's sold her the promise that you'll change your mind. Either way, he's going to look like a right twonk as long as you don't back down.

Why would OP have someone she’s never even met attend her wedding day?

My dad is telling me she is hurt. I’ve not spoken to her about it and I don’t really know the woman so don’t see a need to contact her directly. He could of course be lying, exaggerating etc. It is difficult to know how much this desire to come comes from her vs him (I think both). Some siblings have met her and think it’s about equal.

Because when you're hosting an event it's about the comfort and enjoyment of the guests....or it used to be.