To think that I’m not responsible for her hurt feelings

[LuluAgainstTheMachine]

Getting married next week, let’s say for argument’s sake in a country like Sweden, where my fiancé is from. I am originally from a far away country, let’s say Argentina (in terms of distance). Both fiancé and I live in the UK, where we met and have been our whole adult lives. My family is coming from Argentina to Sweden.

My parents are very acrimoniously separated and my dad has a new partner. They are still in the throes of an awful divorce (new gf is not the other woman), and my five siblings and I are stuck in the middle. I said gf cannot come to the wedding, that’s been clear from the outset, I’m not comfortable with it and we’ve not met.

They booked their flights and Dad said he was bringing GF with him from Argentina. I said how nice and reiterated that she was not invited. It has been clear throughout.

Dad has just asked again if she can come, and again I’ve said no. He’s said he understands but that she is hurt because she’s come all this way.

AIBU that it’s not my fault you’ve travelled halfway around the world for a wedding you’re not invited to? Nothing against the woman as such, apart from the fact I feel the acrimony between my parents has increased (read: skyrocketed) since they got together.

YANBU - she’s a mug
YABU - extend some kindness and invite her, Argentina to Sweden is far

And giving one guest, the father, an invitation for his gf (who has never met bride or groom) is going to be upsetting for another guest, the bride's mother. So OP has to decide which guest to prioritise if she can't please both. Also, father of the bride probably has quite a big role to play in the wedding and can't just focus on his gf who may not know many other guests.

Why? The bride and groom don’t know her and it will be upsetting for the mother of the bride.

I'm presuming some of the posters saying she should be invited are in blissful ignorance of the kind of bad blood these family situations can generate. Toss in a load of booze and the whole thing is ready to ignite!

I'm sorry to hear you're dreading your day, OP, I hope it turns out lovely for you anyway.

I'm sure the OP's siblings could run interference if her Dad was enough of an arse to try get his new squeeze into his daughter's wedding.

Her father is being disrespectful and selfish. There is no reason to invite his current girlfriend just because she chose to book a flight in the knowledge she wasn't invited.

OP, there's a good exhibition on at the National Museum of Sweden on this summer she could toddle off to. It's not like Sweden isn't an interesting place to spend time!

Has your dad always been this much of a knobend?

If your dad can’t prioritise your feelings on your own wedding day then it would be no loss if he chose not to come because you haven’t invited his girlfriend. Probably pushing for her to come so that he can show off to your mum and show everyone else “he’s still got it”
The selfishness of men who want to make every occasion about them never ends.

OP has never met her, didn’t want her there, and her father has completely ignored her wishes in the hope that once GF arrives OP will relent. And OP runs the risk of hurting her mother and possibly having her refuse to attend, or trouble kicking off between her and the GF. Not a chance in hell. It’s OP’s wedding day - her father needs to stop being a selfish arse and prioritise his daughter over himself.

I’ve lived away for a long time now so maybe I didn’t see it, but I do feel it’s definitely got worse

edited to add: about a year ago he went through a period of really upsetting my mum and then waffling to me on the phone that I had to be supportive of her because she was going through a tough time - yes - created by him

I said I’d go for dinner with them in Sweden on another day

That was a sensible thing to do, OP, not least as it avoids cries of "you were hateful to her"

The rest, as so many have said, is on your DF, the more so as you've been so clear from the very start

I hope you gave a wonderful day, and also plans in place for how to handle things if when they turn up together

You made it clear to your dad that she isn't invited, YANBU at all.

Make arrangements for if your dad rocks up to the wedding with her anyway, that seems to be going round on AIBU lately.

I'd also warn him that if he turns up with her that they will both be asked to leave to make it very, very clear.

Sounds like your wedding might be better without him.

Perhaps give him that option.
His behaviour is disgraceful.
Hassling you like that.

You are not responsible for the hurt feelings of your father's girlfriend when you made it very clear from the onset that she was not invited. This is not your father's wedding, and given you have never met his girlfriend, that there is tension already on your side of the family between your parents, it really is incredibly immature and thoughtless on his part to consider to press the issue.

Go about your plans, and I would say that you need to have a backup plan to be executed by one of your father's own family members that will be in attendance if she arrives. That back-up plan can be for that person to initiate a ride back to their hotel.

Your dad is being incredibly selfish. Most fathers would be thinking about how to make their daughter's wedding day as happy as possible.

You've told your father the woman isn't invited but he has deliberately ignored you, he's only thinking about himself. What does it matter if she's feeling hurt? You've never met her and your wedding day is absolutely not the time to do that.

You also haven't mentioned how your mother would feel if he turned up with this woman, I imagine that would be extremely hard for her and would create such a bad atmosphere.

I think you need to tell your father that all the arrangements are made, seating plans etc done and the woman is not to come, you do not want to meet her that day, she can have a day out by herself sightseeing.

I think you should be prepared for the awful possibility that he may bring her. Tell one of your siblings that you're worried about that, and that they should tell the ushers and venue manager if that does happen. Forewarn the ushers and wedding manager of the situation and that they may need to ask her to leave.

Aargh, clicked wrong one. YANBU!

If he asks again, can you say "Look dad I know you're not happy about her not being invited with you so if you would rather not come to the wedding at all I will understand. Let me know."

Then have someone else on standby to perform any duties he was scheduled to do.

He needs it spelling out that this is your wedding and your choice. It is not all about him.

Your Dad’s GF feelings are a his and her problem

Stick to your guns OP. No reason why they can’t travel over together and have a holiday but for the day or so of your wedding she needs to find something else to occupy herself with

I’d tell your dad that if they respect your wishes, then they have the option of a closer relationship in future, otherwise there will always be a bit of ice in your heart.

100% this OP. I expect that they will just try to bring her.

Of course yanbu but I'd still take steps to address this directly with her. I'd get her email address and write to her explaining you are looking forward to meeting her and you're pleased she will be in Sweden with your father. I'd say it's a shame she's not invited to the wedding but you're sure she understands how difficult family occasions can be in the aftermath of a marriage breakup and if it was further down the line things might be different but they aren't. This is your special day and you're trying your best to keep it as stress-free as possible which is no easy task. Wish her a safe flight and tell her you've booked dinner where you can meet properly.

I'd bet my house on the reason he wants his GF there is to give two fingers to your Mum, and make her thoroughly uncomfortable.

@Potsofpetals some people consider such a person to just be "dad's girlfriend/ wife". If OP is an adult who doesn't even live on the same continent, I doubt any relationship is necessary or desired. It's OPs wedding. Random meaningless woman doesn't have to be there. Additionally I think OPs mum's feelings are more important than dad's new girlfriend. OP should have a nice and drama-free wedding

I'd tell him he's not coming if he asks again. And if he brings her, neither of them will be allowed into the reception.

I also accidentally clicked YABU to myself 😂

Your father is either as thick as pigshit or has a brass neck the like of which would put the Tin Man to shame.

Do not give him an inch.

Do you think your dad will bring her anyway to force the issue and if so, is there anyone who will tell him no?