Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I’m not responsible for her hurt feelings

150 replies

LuluAgainstTheMachine · 19/05/2025 14:00

Getting married next week, let’s say for argument’s sake in a country like Sweden, where my fiancé is from. I am originally from a far away country, let’s say Argentina (in terms of distance). Both fiancé and I live in the UK, where we met and have been our whole adult lives. My family is coming from Argentina to Sweden.

My parents are very acrimoniously separated and my dad has a new partner. They are still in the throes of an awful divorce (new gf is not the other woman), and my five siblings and I are stuck in the middle. I said gf cannot come to the wedding, that’s been clear from the outset, I’m not comfortable with it and we’ve not met.

They booked their flights and Dad said he was bringing GF with him from Argentina. I said how nice and reiterated that she was not invited. It has been clear throughout.

Dad has just asked again if she can come, and again I’ve said no. He’s said he understands but that she is hurt because she’s come all this way.

AIBU that it’s not my fault you’ve travelled halfway around the world for a wedding you’re not invited to? Nothing against the woman as such, apart from the fact I feel the acrimony between my parents has increased (read: skyrocketed) since they got together.

YANBU - she’s a mug
YABU - extend some kindness and invite her, Argentina to Sweden is far

OP posts:
WillandRobin · 19/05/2025 17:14

YANBU

A wedding when there are still such raw emotions is definitely not the right time meet to meet your family. Wrong timing.

Your dad is a bit manipulative even mentioning this to you. Makes me wonder if her feelings really are hurt/this really has come from her (and if so she sounds a bit emotionally immature/lacking in life experience). Either way I think you've made the right call not inviting her and then sticking to it.

Todayisaday · 19/05/2025 17:14

For me it would depend if her attandance would upset anyone important to me.
If yes, then stick to your guns.
If No, then invite her. Editing to add, after tou have called her and spoke to her and assessed shes not a crazy woman.
If dad has some 20 year old influencer on his arm looking to cash in and flaunt herself, or is she a little old lady who runs the local childrens charity etc.

whynotwhatknot · 19/05/2025 17:15

my dads wife is not my stepmother never will be-yanbu op you dont even know the woman

DinosaurusFemina · 19/05/2025 17:17

Of course YANBU - it's your wedding & you can invite or not invite whoever you want.

Your Dad is a dick & as others have said, there is a good chance that he's going to bring her along anyway - you need to nip that in the bud, sharpish.

Hi Dad, I'm sorry, but you cannot bring Brenda to the wedding & if you turn up with her on your arm, you will be turned away - I mean this. This is Bill's & my big day, please respect this & do nothing to spoil it for me.

Have security on hand to handle any issues, just in case, so you don't have to stress about it.

Good luck!

JIMER202 · 19/05/2025 17:17

Goditsmemargaret · 19/05/2025 16:58

Of course yanbu but I'd still take steps to address this directly with her. I'd get her email address and write to her explaining you are looking forward to meeting her and you're pleased she will be in Sweden with your father. I'd say it's a shame she's not invited to the wedding but you're sure she understands how difficult family occasions can be in the aftermath of a marriage breakup and if it was further down the line things might be different but they aren't. This is your special day and you're trying your best to keep it as stress-free as possible which is no easy task. Wish her a safe flight and tell her you've booked dinner where you can meet properly.

I wouldn’t do this. Your dad and her by extension are already being selfish and manipulative. I don’t doubt this message would be twisted on you. You also don’t owe a stranger anything and that is what she is at this point. This is not the time or place for them to be trying to force a meeting on your wedding day and it’s not your job to placate them. They are being rude.

JIMER202 · 19/05/2025 17:19

Todayisaday · 19/05/2025 17:14

For me it would depend if her attandance would upset anyone important to me.
If yes, then stick to your guns.
If No, then invite her. Editing to add, after tou have called her and spoke to her and assessed shes not a crazy woman.
If dad has some 20 year old influencer on his arm looking to cash in and flaunt herself, or is she a little old lady who runs the local childrens charity etc.

Edited

She has very clearly said she doesn’t know her or want her there and that her parents are going through a rough divorce and he frequently upsets her mother. No. He doesn’t get to bring his new girlfriend. Her mother is far more important, as is protecting her own peace on her wedding day.

Communitywebbing · 19/05/2025 17:19

She’ll have a lovely holiday with your dad. Don’t give it another thought.

JIMER202 · 19/05/2025 17:20

His insistence makes me think he is trying to bring her to stick the boot in to your mother. Did your mother initiate the divorce? Is he angry/bitter?

Gustavo1 · 19/05/2025 17:21

YA absolutely NBU. You’re trying your best to keep the peace and he needs to support you on this. It’s unfair of him to expect you to change plans now. Your wedding is not the time for her to meet you and any relatives she hasn’t already been introduced to. It’s certainly not the place for your mum to be put in an awkward and uncomfortable position.

OP your ground. You’re being firm but fair

Original poster
LuluAgainstTheMachine · 19/05/2025 17:23

JIMER202 · 19/05/2025 17:20

His insistence makes me think he is trying to bring her to stick the boot in to your mother. Did your mother initiate the divorce? Is he angry/bitter?

Super convoluted but whilst my dad didn’t want to be in a relationship with my mum, I don’t think he’d ever have got around to divorcing her. He’s quite keen on the idea of having multiple women around. My mum wanted the relationship more initially but wants a divorce now.

OP posts:
CowTown · 19/05/2025 17:24

LuluAgainstTheMachine · 19/05/2025 16:41

I’ve lived away for a long time now so maybe I didn’t see it, but I do feel it’s definitely got worse

edited to add: about a year ago he went through a period of really upsetting my mum and then waffling to me on the phone that I had to be supportive of her because she was going through a tough time - yes - created by him

Edited
Show quote history

So he has form for being a gaslighter and a shit stirer.

I would guess that he told his GF that she was indeed invited, and had hoped to change your mind. No GF in her right mind would book a long haul flight to be on the periphery of a wedding that she wasn’t invited to. Now that his his bulldozing her into the country hasn’t managed to force you to abandon your boundaries, he has likely spun a lie to the GF…perhaps it’s “you were invited but my XW has forbidden it” or similar.

knittasgonna · 19/05/2025 17:29

Her (and his) choice for her to travel "all this way" is exactly that--their choice. It's not your responsibility to make her feel better. Doesn't she have family of her own? Not to be rude, but she's nothing to you. It's not like she helped raise you as a step-mother. YANBU to do what is best for you and your mother. Your father needs to step up and be a man instead of trying to make his child feel guilty on what is supposed to be her special day.

JIMER202 · 19/05/2025 17:31

LuluAgainstTheMachine · 19/05/2025 17:23

Super convoluted but whilst my dad didn’t want to be in a relationship with my mum, I don’t think he’d ever have got around to divorcing her. He’s quite keen on the idea of having multiple women around. My mum wanted the relationship more initially but wants a divorce now.

Show quote history

So he wanted to use your mother as he is too lazy to initiate a divorce but he was cheating or wanted to have other women? Sorry if that sounds harsh. Don’t mean it harshly to you at all OP! He just sounds like he’s deliberately trying to show new gf off to your poor Mum.

Weepixie · 19/05/2025 17:31

Op, was your dad always a master manipulator or is it a new personality trait?

mambojambodothetango · 19/05/2025 17:32

He needs to own up to her that you never said yes. He was massively cheeky and he needs to fix his mess with her. Not your problem. Enjoy your wedding!

Original poster
LuluAgainstTheMachine · 19/05/2025 17:33

Weepixie · 19/05/2025 17:31

Op, was your dad always a master manipulator or is it a new personality trait?

Honestly I don’t know. So much of what I thought about my childhood has been rewritten in the past few years, it’s very difficult to tell. Possibly he has always been supremely manipulative

OP posts:
JIMER202 · 19/05/2025 17:33

Adult parents new partners are not step-parents. I find it quite harsh on step parents who actively help raise their step children to conflate the two. Her dad’s new girlfriend is just a girlfriend and even IF they stayed together and IF they got married, at best she would only ever be her Dads partner and someone they don’t see often. It’s not the same as a stepparent who helped raise you.

KnittyNell · 19/05/2025 17:33

LuluAgainstTheMachine · 19/05/2025 14:00

Getting married next week, let’s say for argument’s sake in a country like Sweden, where my fiancé is from. I am originally from a far away country, let’s say Argentina (in terms of distance). Both fiancé and I live in the UK, where we met and have been our whole adult lives. My family is coming from Argentina to Sweden.

My parents are very acrimoniously separated and my dad has a new partner. They are still in the throes of an awful divorce (new gf is not the other woman), and my five siblings and I are stuck in the middle. I said gf cannot come to the wedding, that’s been clear from the outset, I’m not comfortable with it and we’ve not met.

They booked their flights and Dad said he was bringing GF with him from Argentina. I said how nice and reiterated that she was not invited. It has been clear throughout.

Dad has just asked again if she can come, and again I’ve said no. He’s said he understands but that she is hurt because she’s come all this way.

AIBU that it’s not my fault you’ve travelled halfway around the world for a wedding you’re not invited to? Nothing against the woman as such, apart from the fact I feel the acrimony between my parents has increased (read: skyrocketed) since they got together.

YANBU - she’s a mug
YABU - extend some kindness and invite her, Argentina to Sweden is far

Have a wonderful wedding and marriage. 💐

CowTown · 19/05/2025 17:37

JIMER202 · 19/05/2025 17:33

Adult parents new partners are not step-parents. I find it quite harsh on step parents who actively help raise their step children to conflate the two. Her dad’s new girlfriend is just a girlfriend and even IF they stayed together and IF they got married, at best she would only ever be her Dads partner and someone they don’t see often. It’s not the same as a stepparent who helped raise you.

Yes. If you didn’t drive me to my netball matches, you aren’t my stepmum!

TheHistorian · 19/05/2025 17:54

That is some emotional blackmail! Be on your guard in future for more unreasonable requests.

Try to enjoy your special day. Family are the worse for p*ing on your chips. Ignore.

Daleksatemyshed · 19/05/2025 18:02

Your DF needs to learn to clear up his own mess, he upsets your DM then tells you to support her, he brings his GF hundreds of miles to a wedding then expects you to invite her. I agree with a pp, he expects to bring her to rub your DM's face in it. Tell him it's your big day and just for once he'll have to put you first

Nextdoormat · 19/05/2025 18:03

Tell dad it is not all about him or gf. Its about the bride and groom. If he doesn't like it he can forget it and he better NOT ask again.
Knowing men he wants someone there on"his side" as it is obviously going to be a bit strained anyway. Hope you have the best day 💗

Americano75 · 19/05/2025 18:05

LuluAgainstTheMachine · 19/05/2025 16:41

I’ve lived away for a long time now so maybe I didn’t see it, but I do feel it’s definitely got worse

edited to add: about a year ago he went through a period of really upsetting my mum and then waffling to me on the phone that I had to be supportive of her because she was going through a tough time - yes - created by him

Edited
Show quote history

Wow, he sounds lovely.

alcoholnightmare · 19/05/2025 18:06

She didn’t get an invite, she shouldn’t have bothered getting on a plane.
she and your dad have tried to muscle her way in, with no regards for your mums feelings, on your special day.

if you have to ask if you’re invited to a wedding, you’re not invited.

viques · 19/05/2025 18:07

Your father is being ridiculous. Is there a back story he isn’t telling you, ie the new gf is only 12 years old so can’t be left on her own in a strange country for a few hours?

Send him links to activities she can enjoy doing on her own while your father is at the wedding, and if she doesn’t want to do any of them suggest she brings a bar of chocolate and a good book to read for a couple of hours.