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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter won’t come on holiday

525 replies

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:14

I have planned a holiday for my family (me, husband, son and 2 daughters). We haven’t been away together for a number of years, so I was looking forward to this trip.

Everything was going fine until my daughter (25, youngest) asked to bring her partner. I don’t have anything against him, but this is a family holiday. I explained this to my daughter and she said she doesn’t want to come if she can’t bring her partner as she see’s him as family too. They’ve been together since she was 19, but live about 7 hours away so we don’t see them much.

my daughter is now saying she doesn’t want to come. AIBU for thinking she doesn’t need to do everything with him and she should still come on holiday?

OP posts:
LIZS · 19/05/2025 13:54

Does it really matter if they want to spend time together? Do you expect everyone to spend every moment in each other’s company? Is it a specific type of holiday? If you want time with her without her partner arrange a break with her alone.

WallaceinAnderland · 19/05/2025 13:55

They've been together for 6 years OP.

Why do you say he's not family?

DisapprovingSpaniel · 19/05/2025 13:55

Is anything real on here anymore????

Stopandlook · 19/05/2025 13:55

Did you miss her becoming a grown adult? Kindly, you need to accept that she has her own life with her partner now and they come as a package. If they come and do their own thing - that’s normal

TheGreyQuail · 19/05/2025 13:55

I think most 25 year olds would rather spend their time with their partner rather than mum, dad and siblings tbh.
It might hurt as you were close, but he is her partner of 6 years not the latest squeeze she met last week. Annual leave is precious to most people.

ScribblingPixie · 19/05/2025 13:56

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

You're not going to get closer to her by excluding her partner from a family holiday, OP. It will have the opposite effect. After six years, I'm not surprised they're both (probably) hurt that you don't consider him family. And she's probably cheesed off to be treated like your 'child' too. You should put it right: apologise, invite him along and make him feel like one of the family.

MrsSunshine2b · 19/05/2025 13:56

I wouldn't want to go on holiday without my husband either and I think it's quite odd you would expect that from her. She's not a child and this is her long term partner. You can't expect to try to recreate a family holiday with 2 children when they are in their 20s.

Swiftie1878 · 19/05/2025 13:56

Your attitude towards your DD’s partner of 6 years stinks! I wouldn’t want to go on holiday with you either if I were her.
YABVU. Let him come. They can pay for him.

nomas · 19/05/2025 13:56

I’d not want to go on holiday with either of my brothers in law so YANBU. It would totally change the dynamic.

She was invited, she declined, as is her right, so she INBU either.

ERthree · 19/05/2025 13:57

Good lord, your children are adults, your days of Mummy, Daddy and children holidays are long gone.

Leadersail · 19/05/2025 13:57

The reason you all haven’t been away together for a number of years is because your kids have been adults for a number of years! I find it odd you’d exclude her partner at their age

ItGhoul · 19/05/2025 13:58

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

So, basically what you're saying is that she became an adult with her own life who understandably wanted to hang out with her partner rather than her mum? Sounds normal.

They've been together six years and she's in her mid-20s. Of course she's going to want him to come on a family holiday. He's her partner of six years; he's part of the family.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 19/05/2025 13:58

You can think what you like but if you won't understand that after 6 years together he's her family too then you've got a problem and are on track to spoil your relationship with your daughter.

Enigma53 · 19/05/2025 13:58

DisapprovingSpaniel · 19/05/2025 13:55

Is anything real on here anymore????

Clearly not! 🙄🙄🙈🙈

nomas · 19/05/2025 13:58

Swiftie1878 · 19/05/2025 13:56

Your attitude towards your DD’s partner of 6 years stinks! I wouldn’t want to go on holiday with you either if I were her.
YABVU. Let him come. They can pay for him.

It’s possible if OP is paying for all than her daughter would have an issue with her partner not being paid for, given he’s ‘family’.

FrenchandSaunders · 19/05/2025 13:58

I have DDs in their 20s who live with their partners, I wouldn't ask them to come on holiday with us without their partners, it would be odd.

The days of holidays with just your DCs are over OP. That ship has sailed. Either go away with just your DH or invite everyone.

GFBurger · 19/05/2025 13:58

I can feel the Mum grief coming through here and I feel for you.

However, have you heard the phrase, ‘lose a daughter but gain a son’?

Typically used for marriage, but if they’ve been together 7 years then it’s the same situation.

Maybe start treating him like the Son (in-law) he is, and you and your daughter will become closer. He is her family.

Amba1998 · 19/05/2025 13:59

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

Because she’s 25, has her own place and is starting her own life / family now.

You need to accept him as part of her life / as a package.

If you want some one on one time then a spa day will do it but YABU to exclude him from a holiday

SamDeanCas · 19/05/2025 13:59

Growing apart when you become an adult and have a family of your own is normal and natural. At 25 you can’t dictate what she does and doesn’t do, especially holidays. If like most of us she works, she’ll only get a certain amount of holidays from work, and a family holiday will take up a large chunk. I’m sore she wants to spend these with her partner too.

5128gap · 19/05/2025 14:00

I understand that from your perspective it would be lovely to be your family of four on holiday, but once DC grow up and get partners, it's very rare this happens, so the wisest course is to accept that life stage is over (at least for now) adjust your expectations and open your heart (and holiday!) to the additions to your family. It will mean a new dynamic, but new isn't necessarily worse, and DCs partners can add to your life rather than take away if you give the opportunity.

nomas · 19/05/2025 14:00

ItGhoul · 19/05/2025 13:58

I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

So, basically what you're saying is that she became an adult with her own life who understandably wanted to hang out with her partner rather than her mum? Sounds normal.

They've been together six years and she's in her mid-20s. Of course she's going to want him to come on a family holiday. He's her partner of six years; he's part of the family.

Show quote history

But there’s no point to them coming if they’re just going to sequester themselves all the time.

OP is entitled to invite her kids on holiday, they are entitled to decline.

pinkdelight · 19/05/2025 14:00

It’s totally normal for a 25yo to want to do things with her long term partner not just with her family. You’ll have her company some of the time but you absolutely cannot expect her to come without him like she’s a 14yo. This is your family now. It’s not stunted at some point in the past where you could control them all and keep them to yourself. Sorry but YABVU.

Heronwatcher · 19/05/2025 14:01

This is an absolute classic trait of toxic/ narcissistic mothers/ mothers-in-law, trying to forcibly recreate their nuclear family whilst leaving out partners, with no consideration of what others want to do. Usually either with a holiday or significant occasion dangled as a carrot, emotional blackmail as a stick…

It won’t work- if she does come though guilt she’ll have a crap time and probably resent you.

Focus on building a new style of family interactions and accept your kids aren’t 10 any more.

rainbowstardrops · 19/05/2025 14:02

Sorry but yeah, you are being unreasonable. I wouldn’t blame you for asking them to pay their own way, or at least contribute but you really can’t expect her to happily go on a family holiday without him when she’s 25 and they’re living together.
We went on a family holiday a couple of years ago and didn’t even contemplate not asking DS’s girlfriend of two years. We all had a great time!

Swiftie1878 · 19/05/2025 14:02

nomas · 19/05/2025 13:58

It’s possible if OP is paying for all than her daughter would have an issue with her partner not being paid for, given he’s ‘family’.

Show quote history

I’m sure she will have a problem with it now, actually, since her mother has shown her true colours are far as her DD’s partner is concerned.
If she’d been nice from the outset, saying ‘I can’t afford to pay for both of you, but if you can cover the cost of one of you, you can both come’, I can imagine her DD would have been up for that.

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