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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter won’t come on holiday

525 replies

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:14

I have planned a holiday for my family (me, husband, son and 2 daughters). We haven’t been away together for a number of years, so I was looking forward to this trip.

Everything was going fine until my daughter (25, youngest) asked to bring her partner. I don’t have anything against him, but this is a family holiday. I explained this to my daughter and she said she doesn’t want to come if she can’t bring her partner as she see’s him as family too. They’ve been together since she was 19, but live about 7 hours away so we don’t see them much.

my daughter is now saying she doesn’t want to come. AIBU for thinking she doesn’t need to do everything with him and she should still come on holiday?

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 19/05/2025 13:23

You've invited just her. She's said no.

You can either accept that or agree for the partner to come and pay for himself. It's one or the other.

You cant control people into doing exactly what you want.

whitewineandsun · 19/05/2025 13:23

jay55 · 19/05/2025 13:19

You expect a grown 25 year old woman to use her holiday allowance up for a holiday without her partner of 6 years?

Yes, you're unreasonable to expect this.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 19/05/2025 13:24

She's 25 and in a serious long term relationship.

It's weird that you don't seem to understand why she wants to spend her holiday with her partner.

Is there a backstory here? Is he a drug dealer or something?

rosydreams · 19/05/2025 13:25

I see were your coming from but a partner of more than 2 years is heading into marriage territory. If it was my daughters partner i would have told her i can afford you but not your partner but he is welcome to pay his way.

At 6 years for all intents he is her husband not a boyfriend ,you should have asked

Gardendiary · 19/05/2025 13:26

This is weird that you are trying to draw family lines that exclude your daughter’s long term partner and also that you feel you have the right to dictate to your adult children. Families change and grow, if you set this precedent then don’t be surprised if they decide to exclude you in the future.

HamSandwichKiller · 19/05/2025 13:26

He may not be part of your family but he's clearly a major part of hers. Appreciate you don't want to end up paying for him, that's fair enough but minimising their relationship will not end well.

Fallenoutthewardrobe · 19/05/2025 13:28

I’d be furious if I was your daughter and you’d told me that you’d didn’t view a partner of 7 years as family.

cheezncrackers · 19/05/2025 13:28

YABU. Your DD presumably works and only gets 4 or 5 weeks off every year and no doubt she wants to holiday with her DP. She's an adult and she's entitled to do that. You can't boss her around and tell her how to spend her time off just because she's your DD.

Vipersgonnavipe · 19/05/2025 13:28

At 25 I was married, had bought my home with DH, and was working full time in a demanding job.
Not a chance would I have gone on a ‘family’ holiday with my parents.
We’ve had a few trips away with my parents and my in-laws, honestly I didn’t enjoy them much at all. A waste of annual leave is about right. The thought of doing that without DH as well, nope.
Leave her alone, or invite the partner too. He is her family now.

Coffeeishot · 19/05/2025 13:28

She lives with her partner but you don't want them coming? That's weird. 1 of my dds is married others live with partners I can't imagine saying they are not invited and are not "family".

Nothankyov · 19/05/2025 13:29

@OneLilacPanda I think you’re being unreasonable. She is 25 not 17 and according to you they have been together for 6 years. I wouldn’t not have invited my daughter and not her partner in theses circumstances.

TeaCalm74 · 19/05/2025 13:30

Yes YABU
what needs to.happen for him to.be seen as family...

Whoarethoseguys · 19/05/2025 13:30

I think your daughter is right they have been together 7 years and should be accepted as family.
We had a recent family history holiday and included partners.
Of course you can make the decision not to include them, but if so you can't complain if some of your children don't want to come

aCatCalledFawkes · 19/05/2025 13:31

YABU. If she lives with him and sees him more often than you then he's also family to her. No doubt they only get so much annual leave together as well so want to choose how they spend it.

PraisebetoGod · 19/05/2025 13:31

Yabu

Original poster
OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

OP posts:
FawnDrench · 19/05/2025 13:32

Why didn’t you discuss this with her before you “planned” the holiday?
Of course she wants her boyfriend to come too.
You are being ridiculous and unrealistic.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 19/05/2025 13:33

"They’ve been together since she was 19, but live about 7 hours away so we don’t see them much"

Well this was a perfect opportunity for you to see them both and get to know him better. I guess you're trying to hold on to your "family unit" but your DC are adults now, not small children and that family unit has changed.

I don't blame her for not wanting to go without him

TooGoodToGoto · 19/05/2025 13:33

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

Your daughter is an adult now, you’re pushing her away.

Of course she doesn’t want to be tied to your apron strings.

Caligirl80 · 19/05/2025 13:33
  1. it's fine for you to want to have an immediate family only holiday.
  2. it's also fine for your daughter to not wish to attend.

Presumably she and her partner only get a certain number of days holiday per year? At their young age they likely are working hard and don't have much time to spend with each other - so the holiday time they do get is time they want to spend together. This is entirely reasonable. She's been with her partner for many years, and as such it's entirely reasonable for her to wish to go on holiday with him if she is going on holiday. It is reasonable for her to ask if she can bring her partner with her - and if you agreed to this then it would be appropriate to say that you'd pay for your daughter, but the partner would need to pay for their own costs (which presumably the daughter and her partner would likely split anyway). Do you have to offer this? Nope. Does your daughter have to go on holiday with you? No. Should she feel any sense of obligation to go? Also no.

She's given you her response, and presumably you've told her that while you like her partner you just wanted to have your girls with you and that's that. You respect that she may only have a limited number of holiday days and so you hope you'll join them next time.

Nothing to get one's knickers in a twist about - I'm sure if she had unlimited holiday days she'd happily do a family only holiday with you.

boysmuminherts · 19/05/2025 13:34

Yabu
Of course you invite her boyfriend too

Azandme · 19/05/2025 13:34

This is very, very odd.

I have been with my DP a similar amount of time, we live together, and WE are a family. With the exception of single sex friends breaks (rare) we holiday as a FAMILY.

Luckily for us, his family appreciate that, and invite us both, AND my dd, on family holidays.

He wouldn't go if they didn't. Not that that is a factor, they've regularly done big family holidays, and when we moved in together that was extended to include me and DD, as we're HIS family.

Massively disrespectful of your dd's relationship - she'll pull away more if you aren't careful.

Starlight1984 · 19/05/2025 13:34

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

So let me get this straight, you were closer to your daughter when she was a child / teen living at home than you are now... When she is a fully grown adult with her own life? Wow. Who'd have thought it 😂

You know that's completely normal, don't you?

And trying to keep her apart from her long term partner isn't going to help you gain that "closeness" back. If anything it will do the opposite.

nopineapplepizza · 19/05/2025 13:35

So @OneLilacPandawhen you had been with your DH for six years, did you use your annual leave to go on holiday with your parents without him?

You claim that you’re not as close to your adult child now that she’s out in the real world with a job, living independently, in a relationship and with a social life (presumably), surely that’s what you want for her?

Good parents raise children who grow up into independent adults that can fly the nest successfully.

Embrace her independence, it’s a wonderful thing!

Growlybear83 · 19/05/2025 13:36

I think you’re being outrageously unreasonable. I think it’s really weird expecting to have a family holiday with two children who are 25+ and at least one of whom has long since left home, particularly if you won’t include their long term partners. Of course she’s not going to want to go away with you and leave him behind. I can just imagine how unwanted you’ve made him feel by saying he can’t come with you.