Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter won’t come on holiday

525 replies

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:14

I have planned a holiday for my family (me, husband, son and 2 daughters). We haven’t been away together for a number of years, so I was looking forward to this trip.

Everything was going fine until my daughter (25, youngest) asked to bring her partner. I don’t have anything against him, but this is a family holiday. I explained this to my daughter and she said she doesn’t want to come if she can’t bring her partner as she see’s him as family too. They’ve been together since she was 19, but live about 7 hours away so we don’t see them much.

my daughter is now saying she doesn’t want to come. AIBU for thinking she doesn’t need to do everything with him and she should still come on holiday?

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 19/05/2025 14:04

You need to accept that your daughter is an adult. A family holiday looks different now. You aren’t all together every moment. People often shuffle groups based on who is interested in particular activities. Maybe one group hits a museum and another enjoys shopping. You meet up for lunch.

MrsJoanDanvers · 19/05/2025 14:06

I cannot imagine inviting my twenty something kids on holiday and excluding their partner. It’s just mean. He is family too. And I can’t believe when she lets you know how she feels, you’re still saying you don’t want him to come. How to easily start a family rift where your daughter feels slighted.

thischarmimgwoman · 19/05/2025 14:08

Can’t believe you didn’t invite him as he’s her long term partner. Mind, I find this adults going on holiday with their parents bizarre anyway. I realise I’m unreasonable on that score.

YourWildAmberSloth · 19/05/2025 14:08

You say that you planned the holiday, but just wondering how much input your family had in the arrangements. Did they get a choice about when/where/if they go? Considering the youngest is 25, do the older children have partners and how do they feel? Your children are fully-cooked adults (as opposed to just turned 18 adults), did you even ask if they wanted to go on a family holiday, or did you decide that it would be nice to do because it hasn't happened for a while? Your children are adults and likely have different likes, dislikes and interests. You can't honestly expect them all to stick together while they follow you around, as they would have done when they were children. You can still salvage the situation by accepting that they are grown , and having a great holiday where you do somethings together but not everything.

Purplecatshopaholic · 19/05/2025 14:08

You really need to accept family dynamics move and flex. All your children are adults now. This youngest daughter is 25, and wants to bring her partner of 6 years - of course she does! Annual leave is precious, why would she not want him there? I’m gobsmacked you a/ still go on holiday as a family at all, and b/ find it odd she wants to bring her partner. Given she’s the youngest, her siblings are older - has no one mentioned this to you at all? Perhaps one or more of them wanted to, but you don’t want to hear it?

EllasNonny · 19/05/2025 14:09

So unreasonable...

Tortielady · 19/05/2025 14:10

Good gracious OP. Imagine if your DD's (de facto) in-laws decided to have a family holiday, from which she was excluded and told their DS to leave her at home. How would you like that? Yet that's exactly what you want her to do. Your DD isn't a 14 year old Juliet kicking off because she has to leave her Romeo for two weeks in the Maldives or wherever. She's an adult woman, closer to her thirtieth birthday than her A' Levels and of course she doesn't want to spend valuable holiday time away from her long-term partner. Exactly when does he qualify as a family member? When they get married? Or get a mortgage, a labrador and a picket fence? What about when/if children come on the scene? Will they be regarded as family members or will your DD be expected to leave them at home too? Surely you understand why your DD is opting out?

TheSwarm · 19/05/2025 14:11

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

... Yeah, and?

That's normal. She's an adult. She is going to want to spend her holidays with her long-term partner. You can either have a hissy fit about her not being your little girl any more or act like an adult and accept the dynamic is going to be different.

Cherrytree86 · 19/05/2025 14:12

@OneLilacPanda

OP enjoy a break just you and your husband!! Doing exactly what the two of you want to do. get out and explore, lots of wine, lots of sex, whatever you wanna do. You don’t need your adult kids there! Just treat yourselves.

justkeepswimingswiming · 19/05/2025 14:12

No wonder you grew apart, you’re treating her like a child and cutting off her partner. YABU.

Straightomyhead · 19/05/2025 14:12

When me and my partner had been together for about a year or so, he went away with his mum and brother and at 25 and 29, I found it odd that they both wanted to go on holiday together like this however accepted it although it did hurt that I wasn’t invited. (We were living together if that matters).

They tried to do it in following years but he didn’t go when it was clear I was very much not invited. I think
their mum still sees them as children and not adults with their own lives. Even now with a one year old, she will do anything to have ‘her boys’ alone together and exclude anyone else. Don’t be this person who see it has ‘your own family’ and not take into account your children’s choices.

Melonmango70 · 19/05/2025 14:12

But that's just life, isn't it? Things change. Are they living together, or at least committed to one another in any way? I'd be concerned if I thought he was controlling in any way, and didn't want her to go away alone (even if it's with family), but I think if they are a couple, and they are happy, then for the time being at least you should be facilitating this, for the good of all familial relationships. Do you want it to be in a few years time "Your mum doesn't like me, remember how she wouldn't let me go on holiday with the family?" I don't understand why you don't want him to go. So what if she doesn't do the stuff she usually does with you, or has done in the past - maybe she didn't really want to do those in the first place, but enjoyed the Mother/Daughter time together, and you can still have that. If it's a family holiday and they are committed to each other, then he's family, and things change.

feelingbleh · 19/05/2025 14:13

Wow yabvu I don't blame her for not coming

3pointmountain · 19/05/2025 14:15

I wouldn't go if my partner of 7 years wasn't included either. In fact the very fact that my mother thought that was reasonable would probably irrevocably damage our relationship (she wouldn't though).

FamBae · 19/05/2025 14:15

Congratulations OneLilacPanda your little chick has flown the nest and grown up into an independent adult; I would invite her partner along.

somethinggoodisgonnahappen · 19/05/2025 14:16

This is weird. You are treating her like a child and won't be close to her as an adult if you don't accept her adult life and partner. Times change in family dynamics. If they have a baby would the baby and partner be allowed to come?

Melonmango70 · 19/05/2025 14:16

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

You can still be close to someone even if they have a partner. Things change. It's sad, but hopefully in the long run it will become a thing of joy, you may end up having grandchildren with this man as the father. They've been together a long time (I think seven years from 19 is pretty stable). Be wise, and open your heart a little, you will always have to share your daughter now that she's a grown-up :)

riverislanjeans · 19/05/2025 14:17

You are being massively unreasonable.

You also sound silly saying 'I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us).' Of course she wants to do things with him! He's her partner of 6 years who she lives with!

I feel things like this are the reason you aren't as close.

Very controlling.

tinyspiny · 19/05/2025 14:18

Utterly ridiculous , at 25 I assume she is working so why on earth would she want to use her annual leave to holiday without her long term partner with who she lives , I seriously can’t see how you think YABU .

Equimum · 19/05/2025 14:18

YABU

SH's mum always wanted a family holiday with DH & his sister when we first got together. DH only had four weeks annual leave at the time, so this expectation felt huge to him, and to me.

part of staying close with adult children is letting them go. The more you try to cling to the life you had with them when they were young, the more they will not want to spend time with you. It's tough, but by accepting and enjoying them as they are now, with their partners, they are likely to stay closer.

sweetgingercat · 19/05/2025 14:20

We went on holiday with our parents when we were young. In our late teens we started going with our friends. In our 30s we came back to having short trips with our parents and our partners were always invited. They didn't always come, but they were always welcome. I look back to those holidays as some of the best in my life (now my parents have gone) because we were adults and the dynamics were very different. I think YABU.

CelestialGazer · 19/05/2025 14:20

YABVU. Why should your 25 year old daughter use up her holiday entitlement on a holiday without her partner? At your DCs age it’s unrealistic to expect them to want a nice family holiday like you had when they were growing up.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/05/2025 14:21

YABveryU

She’s an adult with a partner of six years - of course she doesn’t want to go without him. To be reduced to the role of a child in the family that orbits around you and your partner rather than an adult in her own relationship.

Does she live with him too? Your OP suggests that. If so, he is her immediate family rather than you.

Silvers11 · 19/05/2025 14:21

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

@OneLilacPanda

YABVVU and you need to try and change your mindset, now your kids are grown adults. Long gone are the days when your family unit was you, your partner and your three children. Families need to expand to include partners/husbands and eventually children. Are your other 3 children leaving their partners behind, or do they not have any? Or are they in a position to take more holidays every year, so having one without their partner, isn't a big deal?

Or maybe, it annoys them, but they find you difficult to say no to and your youngest daughter is able to set boundaries, when they can't?

It's quite natural that your daughter and her partner will want to do different things together while on holiday. Doesn't mean you can't all have meals in the evening together or that something that the rest of you want to do won't appeal to them too. There just needs to be communication between you all.

The last 3 years, and this year too, my Daughter, SIL and Grandson have joined us for part of our 2 week holiday in Wales. Happened by chance the 1st time (we had booked a place which sleeps six, for various good reasons, including Financial) but there is only me and my DH. Daughter said when I told her, that she always wanted to go to Wales so I said, well there are extra beds here, you are welcome and it won't cost you anything as we're paying it anyway.

It was always clear between us all, before they joined us, that we would do our own thing and (mostly) do our own food shopping and cooking. We did do some things together during the day. One or two things were discussed and booked before we went, which we all wanted to do - but generally we would just discuss what we were planning on doing the next day and either go together or separately. It works brilliantly. We are just all very flexible. We get plenty of time to chat when we are all in the same place - especially in the evening

CantStopMoving · 19/05/2025 14:22

I was married and pregnant at 25! Wow. Of course he should come. We’ve said to our kids that we absolutely would love them to keep travelling with us when they are adults but we would, of course, presume their partners would come to should they want. I would have thought my parents or in laws had gone a bit bonkers if we were invited separately!