Page 3 | Daughter won’t come on holiday

OneLilacPanda · 2025-05-19T12:14:08+00:00

I have planned a holiday for my family (me, husband, son and 2 daughters). We haven’t been away together for a number of years, so I was looking forward to this trip. Everything was going fine until my daughter (25, youngest) asked to bring her partner. I don’t have anything against him, but this is a family holiday. I explained this to my daughter and she said she doesn’t want to come if she can’t bring her partner as she see’s him as family too. They’ve been together since she was 19, but live about 7 hours away so we don’t see them much. my daughter is now saying she doesn’t want to come. AIBU for thinking she doesn’t need to do everything with him and she should still come on holiday?

toomuchfaff · 19/05/2025 13:36

YABVU

You want them, at the age of 25 to drop their partner of 6 years to come spend time with "family". If they had got the piece of paper at 22, then their OH would be "family".

Your DD is choosing her partner, the one she spends her life with, sees every day, lives together?

YABVVVU to believe that she should choose you. You're her parent, you're not longer her "immediate " family, thats her partner.

You have the absolute right to not invite partners, but she has the absolute right to refuse the invitation.

Couchpotato3 · 19/05/2025 13:36

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

Do you do things together with them now, like go for meals, days out etc? If you want it to work on holiday, perhaps you need to start working towards that with some shorter events. Would you seriously expect your DD and her partner to spend every minute of every day with you on holiday? It's not unreasonable of them to need/want some couple time as well. I think you need to seriously adjust your expectations

Hoplolly · 19/05/2025 13:36

Needanadultgapyear · 19/05/2025 13:17

If they were married would you allow him to come?
After 7 years together and at the age of 25 I would consider him part of the family.

This. And if I were your daughter I wouldn't be coming without him either. YABU.

cannynotsay · 19/05/2025 13:36

You’re going about this all wrong, I’m almost 2 kids deep, almost 10 years, we own a home and mum still try’s to exclude my DP in attempts to spend time with me, all I do is pull away, if I have to accept Step dad as family, take DP.

you do it for her, stop being so selfish, as mums were not our kids world forever you’re making her choose

SunsetCocktails · 19/05/2025 13:36

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

But she’s not your immediate ‘family’ anymore. Once kids move out and live with or get married to a partner, then that person will always come first. So of course she will want to do things with him, and so she should. It would be weird for her to prioritise her parents who she no longer lives with over her boyfriend who she does. I couldn’t imagine not inviting him. When would you consider it? When they’re married? When they have children?

Paganpentacle · 19/05/2025 13:36

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

Yes.
Thats what happens when your kids grow up and get partners.
They start their own life and family unit.
You're still in it... but not the primary focus.
You know... the same as when you got married/settled down with YOUR husband/partner,

MoistVonL · 19/05/2025 13:37

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

Because she’s a grown ass woman! Christ, I owned a house at 25, I certainly wasn’t free to do stuff with my mum like when I was 12.

They live 7 hours away. Of course she isn’t free to see you much. Of course she prefers her partner’s company - didn’t you when you were living with your partner in your 20s?

Accept that he is a permanent feature, welcome him into your family. My DP loves my parents and brother as much as he loves his own, and was always welcomed as “one of the kids” by my mum and dad. That’s why, 30 years on, we like seeing them so much.

MiddleAgedDread · 19/05/2025 13:37

YABVU she's a grown adult with a long-term partner, she doesn't to be going on holiday with just mummy and daddy anymore!

Frostiesflakes · 19/05/2025 13:38

I’m paying for my son and his partner to join me and DH on our holiday
we are going for 3 weeks and they are coming for 1 week

it’s her partner maybe they get limited holidays and don’t want to waste a week where they aren’t together

I wouldn’t dream of inviting my son and not his partner

I did have several lovely holidays with my son when he was in his twenties Vegas Miami San Diego and in Europe and I’m glad that I got to spend that time with him but now I wouldn’t not invite his partner

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 19/05/2025 13:38

I think it’s reasonable she wants him to join. At that age I would expect it to be automatic that he would be included unless some explicitly agreed mother and daughter trip or something.
This may mean that she doesn’t have the time off work or money for another holiday with him.

Shetlands · 19/05/2025 13:39

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

Of course they'll want to do some things together!

Are you struggling to see your DD as an independent, adult woman? Maybe think about what you were like when you'd been with your husband for 6 years. Would you have agreed to go on holiday with your parents but without your DH?

I bet you gradually grew apart from your parents when you were in your DDs situation. It's the natural way of things and you know that really don't you?

Indigopetal · 19/05/2025 13:39

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

This is a normal part of growing up. You can't expect your family to stay as a nuclear family forever. Families grow and expand and it's a healthy part of growing up. She's 25, not 15. Of course she is going to want to go off and do things with her partner! You can't be dictating to a grown up adult who they should spending their time with and that she should be prioritising you and her siblings over her long term partner.

RandomMess · 19/05/2025 13:40

I can’t imagine having an adult family holiday for 1 or 2 weeks where we all do everything together all the time, sounds hellish for everyone.

Piratejenny99 · 19/05/2025 13:41

I met my DH at 19 and lived with him by 25. I would have been deeply offended if my in laws decided to take him on holiday and didn't invite me.

irregularegular · 19/05/2025 13:41

I would never tell my 22 year old daughter or 21 year old son that they have to come on holiday with us! I invite them (for some holidays, not all) and they decide whether to accept. No pressure. I also decide whether or not their boy/girlfriends are invited or not, depending on the type of holiday. No issues.

user2848502016 · 19/05/2025 13:41

She’s 25! My answer would be different if she were 15 but at 25 she has a point.
She is an adult with a long term partner so it’s fair enough to want him included in family occasions. You could suggest that you will pay for her if they pay for his share?
If they’re not happy to do that then I’m afraid you have to leave it at that.

Enigma53 · 19/05/2025 13:42

YABU. Your daughter is 25 and an adult. She is in a LTR. I don’t recall going on holiday with my parents at 16, let alone 25! My DD is 20.5, she is at uni, she’s independent and she has her own life now. I wouldn’t dream of being disgruntled because she didn’t want to go on a “family holiday”!

Enigma53 · 19/05/2025 13:43

RandomMess · 19/05/2025 13:40

I can’t imagine having an adult family holiday for 1 or 2 weeks where we all do everything together all the time, sounds hellish for everyone.

This exactly ! Half of us would be coming home early!!

irregularegular · 19/05/2025 13:43

I also tend to agree that at that age, after all those years, I'd be inclined to invite partners, certainly if they live together. It's also perfectly fine to want to do things without partners, but it's equally fine for her to decline the invite.

Manxexile · 19/05/2025 13:43

It's wholly unreasonable of you to expect your 25 year old adult daughter to come on a "family" holiday with you, her father and her siblings, and not be able to bring along her partner of 6 years. She hasn't been a child for at least the last 8 years.

What about your son and elder daughter? Do they not have partners or are they too meek to stand up to you?

Adult children can't be expected to go on holiday with their parents when their parents exclude their long-term partners.

zenas · 19/05/2025 13:44

The idea of adult children going all Enid Blyton and Hi-de-Hi according to your wishes on a "family" holiday is a bit cringe TBH. It's a bit much to expect her to do this even if she is without her BF.

I'd maybe suggest that she and you have a mum and daughter little break or overnight somewhere to re-bond. I'd accept her not going on hols without the BF, completely.

Scarlettpixie · 19/05/2025 13:45

You are being unreasonable. Her partner is her family too. If you want to see more of her then you need to accept him as part of your family and that things are different to when your children were, well children.

My son has only been with his girlfriend a few months and has been invited on the family holiday with her parents and younger siblings. I expect they will do stuff with the family and stuff in their own. This is normal. After a few months and given they are still under 20 and don’t live together his invitation was by no means expected but your daughter has been with her partner 6 YEARS! Of course he should be invited.

Maybethisallthereis · 19/05/2025 13:45

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

She’s an adult and has her own life! Sounds like you’re jealous that she’s grown up and with someone else.

Starlightstarbright4 · 19/05/2025 13:45

I really thought this was going to be a teenager post .

I honestly think you are stuck and what you need to do is work out a way to have a grown up relationship with your Dd ..

I left home at 17. - never once stayed another night with my parents never mind go on holiday .

BendingSpoons · 19/05/2025 13:46

At 25, it's weird you didn't invite him. He's not a new partner. Do your other children have partners? Are they coming? You will see more of her if they both come than neither of them. I think you need to go back, extend the invite to him and hope they are still willing to come.