Daughter won’t come on holiday

[OneLilacPanda]

I have planned a holiday for my family (me, husband, son and 2 daughters). We haven’t been away together for a number of years, so I was looking forward to this trip.

Everything was going fine until my daughter (25, youngest) asked to bring her partner. I don’t have anything against him, but this is a family holiday. I explained this to my daughter and she said she doesn’t want to come if she can’t bring her partner as she see’s him as family too. They’ve been together since she was 19, but live about 7 hours away so we don’t see them much.

my daughter is now saying she doesn’t want to come. AIBU for thinking she doesn’t need to do everything with him and she should still come on holiday?

I’m happy for you.

But I’ve made my view clear. You have a different view.

There’s not really much left to say.

As long as you realise your view is a pretty minority one that could easily lose you friends and family. If you were my partners mother and we didn’t want to get married and that meant you decided I wasn’t family, you’d be dead to me and you’d rarely see your grandchildren.

If she's been with him for 6 years, he's part of the parcel. You can't expect them to waste holiday time off work apart.

YABU. Is it because they are not married? Would consider a long term partner to be family.

You are making this deeper than it needs to be…

Telling someone they are “dead” to you because they don’t see your partner as their family is a strong view. But each to their own!

Yeah, I'm with your daughter on this one. He is her family and if you want to stay part of hers let him come and be gracious about it.

Glad you are trying to mend this. The Holiday will probably do all of you good.

Personally, I get really fed up with people who can’t go away or do anything without their partner. But having said that, since it’s your daughter, you probably just have to put up with it and invite him along, rather than break up your family, if she refuses to come without him, and maybe will hold it against you forever…. But what about the other kids - are they going to want to bring their partners too?

They live together! And presumably have the other 3-5 weeks of annual
leave to go on holiday together!

No you didnt. You just stated 1 view and thats your "opinion" and I queried further. You clearly didnt get that.

Have your opinion ive no beef with it. Dont worry about expanding since you clearly are not willing. However consider going forwars how your responses come across as despite you stating you are not annoyed your posts come across as such.

“Would it be ok if her siblings and my husband came on this mother/daughter bonding trip” 🫣
The hypocrisy in that comment is unreal

Sounds like you're a bit jel of the boyf op. Why not give all your dcs the option to bring partners.

You’ve read it wrong. But actually how I think is how most people think- a committed partner is your family, and if your parents and siblings don’t think that, they are rejecting your partner, and that’s a rejection of you too.

So spending time off with anyone other than a partner is a waste of leave? What a bizarre attitude. I, and most women of my acquaintance - late 40s - have over the years taken many different kind of holidays. Partner/children holidays may be the core but there have been so many other enjoyable (often far more enjoyable!) holidays with siblings, friends, parents, hobby groups, etc. A rich and full life has many dimensions. At 25 I would have been very happy to have gone away for a week with my parents and would have probably preferred or at least not minded without partner because you could slip back into a groove more easily.

Jesus. She’s 25 with a partner of 7 years! YABVU. She’s a grown adult. If they had a child would you still expect her to come alone 😂 How utterly ridiculous

But people dont all make the same choice, I would presume at 25 a woman is old enough to make her own decision even if other women would make different choices?

People keep on going on about men making choices for them but then why is it any different when women do it? (on here in general) she is her own person with her own right to choose

A few people have mentioned a long weekend for mother daughter bonding time which sounds nice. Do you mean just me and her or would it be okay for this to be the trip with her, her siblings and my husband?

Oh my god woman!!!!!!

How much bonding between you and your DD do you think would happen if your H and her siblings were invited? What you’ve have suggested, is a mini version of a holiday that she’s already rejected. Your DD is 25! You infer that your diminished closeness with your DD is correlated in some way to her partner’s presence in her life, is this true, or is it you making him the scapegoat for your DD asserting her independence?

I am not really buying your ‘enlightenment’ with regards to the situation and I really think you need to do more self reflection and less finger pointing, when it comes to your relationship with your DD.

Once they’re adults you’re lucky if they want to come away with you at all. Op’s DC are not even young adults. So I would invite partners or accept that you now holiday alone.

@theleafandnotthetree At 25 I would have been very happy to have gone away for a week with my parents and would have probably preferred or at least not minded without partner because you could slip back into a groove more easily.

Maybe the ‘groove’ is something the daughter didn’t want to fall back into.

We have been close friends with his family since he was born so yes we class th as family.
Sorry if this upsets you you judgey woman.

With hospital stays I have unfortunately spent a hell of a lot of time away from my partner. He also works all day too and we have 3 kids who have different needs that need to be divided and conquered so 5 days a week for most the day we don't see each other. We don't just live in each others pockets sitting on the sofa holding hands and staring at each other all day, we have lives and responsibilities. Why after all that stuff would I want to take MORE of my precious limited free time away from my best friend who I choose to spend my life with.

Its bizarre when people don't seem to like their partners company, why even be with them then?

My BIL and ex-SIL where like that, both doing their own thing and they grew apart and realized they became just roommates living together. Its why they are now ex's. No hatered or affairs or anything nasty, they just realized after 10 years they didn't have (or seemingly want) time with each other anymore because they preferred their hobbies and own personal lives.

But I suppose if you are still single it answers a lot though, no single person wants to be alone all the time. The time you would spend with a partner you will obviously look to substitute with other but if you do that as the standard in a relationship its can easily lead to being single.

It doesn’t upset me I just find it ridiculous that’s all. Everyone is different. I didn’t consider my own boyfriend family when I was a teenager tbh.what’s judgey about that I’m entitled to an opinion same as you.

Oooh… catty! Still single? I’ve only been single for 6 months 😂 Prior to that I’ve had a number of long term relationships. And in all of them, I have holidayed with friends and family without my partners. And I’m perfectly happy with my own company thank you, and have also holidayed completely alone (even while in a relationship, omg the horror!).

Just because you chose to couple up with someone, that doesn’t mean that other relationships in your life don’t still need to be given time and attention and priority at certain times.

You don’t need to spend every available free moment with a partner for the relationship to work, and if you do then there’s some serious co-dependency issues going on imo.

Ridiculous that a family we have been close to for over 20 years we class as family?
Hahaha

You didn’t state this in your first post . I really don’t know what you find so amusing about it. Family friends of 20 years are totally different from a random boyfriend of a 16 year old. They would still be family friends in my book though not actual family.