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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter won’t come on holiday

525 replies

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:14

I have planned a holiday for my family (me, husband, son and 2 daughters). We haven’t been away together for a number of years, so I was looking forward to this trip.

Everything was going fine until my daughter (25, youngest) asked to bring her partner. I don’t have anything against him, but this is a family holiday. I explained this to my daughter and she said she doesn’t want to come if she can’t bring her partner as she see’s him as family too. They’ve been together since she was 19, but live about 7 hours away so we don’t see them much.

my daughter is now saying she doesn’t want to come. AIBU for thinking she doesn’t need to do everything with him and she should still come on holiday?

OP posts:
Uricon2 · 19/05/2025 13:46

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

You'll grow further apart if you carry on like this. She's not a 14 year old wanting to bring a boyfriend of 2 weeks but a grown woman with a partner of years standing.

What's the issue with them wanting to do some things separately on this holiday? You could still spend time with her and perhaps get to know him a bit better.

Pickingdates · 19/05/2025 13:46

Accept her decision.
Have the holiday with your sons.
Better they don't come if you think it would change the holiday completely for the rest of you.

Perhaps a weekend away with all of you at some other time

Genevieva · 19/05/2025 13:47

If she was married would you expect her to come without him? I was married by that age. Maybe a bit old fashioned, but as far as my family are concerned you are family once you are married. A modern version of that might be that they live as if married, so he is her de factor husband, even if not legally so.

spoonbillstretford · 19/05/2025 13:47

I'd expect them to pay for themselves but I'd certainly expect both of them to be invited. When I was 25 I'd been living with DH for two years. We didn't get married until I was 28 but DPs always included him in things.

waterrat · 19/05/2025 13:47

YOu can't force family time on a 25 year old! You are treating her like a 15 year old . This is the age at which they probably are least interested in it. She will come back to you when older/ has kids etc.

I would invite him or accept she won't come - surely better she is there with him, you get to know him more, you can say - but I'd like some girls lunches etc just with you.

He may end up being life partner better to include him!

Ihopeyouhavent · 19/05/2025 13:47

My son is 19 and wont come on holiday with us unless his girlfriend can come.

AlorsTimeForWine · 19/05/2025 13:47

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

I dont know the answer but i can say with.rsasonable certainty you aren't going to get closer by excluding her partner from the holiday like this.

Why dont you invite him and try and arrange some activities that you can do together and maybe have a "girls day" or something...?

BasicBrumble · 19/05/2025 13:48

If you want to be closer to her, invite the boyfriend. She'll spend a lot of time with him - but some with you. Time you wouldn't have if she didn't go at all.

Manxexile · 19/05/2025 13:48

I suspect your daughter will be happier not going...

HRC2020 · 19/05/2025 13:48

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

You are the issue here.

and you sound hardwork at that.

Conqueeftador · 19/05/2025 13:49

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

I think this is what’s known as cutting off your nose to spite your face. You would rather have zero time with her on your holiday, rather than some time with her in your holiday. How does that make sense?

We have a big multi generational family holiday annually, all three families will do some things separately and other things together. It’s really nice that way. Everyone is happy. Surely this would be a great way for you to get to know her partner better.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 19/05/2025 13:49

Once my kids are 'partnered up' I would no longer automatically include them on any family holidays without consultation. They are working and have holiday allowances and therefore might already have plans with their partners which they haven't told me about. So I don't assume that they would either be keen to holiday with their old mum without partner or that they have sufficient holiday time left to go away again with me.

Their partner is the important person in their life now. I am relegated to second tier!

Takeoutyourcow · 19/05/2025 13:49

YABU. They’ve been together six years and live together. He should be included as part of your family. Why should she use up annual leave and not spend it with her partner?

Greycatclub · 19/05/2025 13:49

It’s incredibly strange to be told up leave your long term partner at home

spoonbillstretford · 19/05/2025 13:50

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

Of course they will want to do things together. Are you saying that as a group of adults you would be glued together for the entire holiday?

When we go away with DPs or PIL we do our own thing in the day then have dinner together. Sometimes we do stuff together in the day if it works out that we want to at the same time.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 19/05/2025 13:50

You're talking about her as though she is 18. She's 25, you need to adjust your expectations and deal with the reality in front of you.

aCatCalledFawkes · 19/05/2025 13:50

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

Christ. She’s 25yrs not 5yrs. You can always see them at meal times, drinks etc…but you can’t tell them what they should do with their annual leave.
I’ve been on lots of trips with my parents and siblings, thankfully we’ve never had bonkers rules like this.

PestoPasto · 19/05/2025 13:50

Similar age to your daughter and I also wouldn’t go.

BarbedButterfly · 19/05/2025 13:51

I think you're being really unreasonable. Of course he is family after 6 years. You have probably just damaged your relationship with both of them. Holiday time is precious once you're working and I wouldn't spend it without my partner

WellDoneThatSupremeCourt · 19/05/2025 13:51

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

So your daughter grew up and developed a life of her own, including a significant relationship. That is what is supposed to happen! Adult children don't normally live in their parents' pockets.

Moveoverdarlin · 19/05/2025 13:51

I think it would be odd for a 25 year old to leave their partner of 6 years behind while she went on holiday with Mummy and Daddy.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 19/05/2025 13:52

Needanadultgapyear · 19/05/2025 13:17

If they were married would you allow him to come?
After 7 years together and at the age of 25 I would consider him part of the family.

This. Gobsmacked at your attitude tbh.

Olika · 19/05/2025 13:52

I was expecting your DD to be a teenager still living at home. Your DD is now an adult who lives with her partner and expecting her to come on a holiday with you is a bit silly to me. Especially when you don’t want her partner there.

Londonrach1 · 19/05/2025 13:54

Yabu. She's an adult in a long term relationship. Her choice who she wants to holiday with.

Azandme · 19/05/2025 13:54

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

Well now she's not coming, and you won't get to do ANYTHING with her...

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