Daughter won’t come on holiday

[OneLilacPanda]

I have planned a holiday for my family (me, husband, son and 2 daughters). We haven’t been away together for a number of years, so I was looking forward to this trip.

Everything was going fine until my daughter (25, youngest) asked to bring her partner. I don’t have anything against him, but this is a family holiday. I explained this to my daughter and she said she doesn’t want to come if she can’t bring her partner as she see’s him as family too. They’ve been together since she was 19, but live about 7 hours away so we don’t see them much.

my daughter is now saying she doesn’t want to come. AIBU for thinking she doesn’t need to do everything with him and she should still come on holiday?

Sorry but she's an adult and has been with her partner for a significant amount of time. Expecting her to leave him behind is seriously bad.

Oh sorry! For some reason he was OP’s partner but not the daughter’s dad. Fair enough then!

Hence me saying a girly trip (females only) no males and not partners /fathers. It is an alternative idea/option, if the OP wants mother/daughter bonding time as another poster has suggested.
And again the OP daughter is welcome to say yes or no, as she sees fit to that idea.

She is a grown adult.
The daughter said no to this family holiday, as is her right as an adult.

I'm glad that you have taken comments on board OP and tbh I don't think its too late. Perhaps start afresh by inviting all partners (they can pay for themselves). The holiday will be different but not necessarily worse. I went on holiday with my siblings and partners many years ago, before we all had children. We arranged various trips/events together, but we also spent a lot of the time in everchanging little groups, doing different things. For example one morning my sister, SIL and me went to a market and then out for lunch. Meanwhile my dad and my partner ended up in the poolbar watching football. The really nice thing was that we actually got to know each other a lot better. This can be a positive change if you view it as such.

Seen your responses and I hope she appreciates you and what you were trying to do. Hope you do all have a lovely holiday xx

Whilst I get your feelings, I also feel that your children have reach the stage in life where you need to start reframing what you consider to be family to include their long term partners.

This is potentially the parent of your grandchildren. At the very least, they are the person your daughter lives with, loves and relies upon.

Out of a situation that aims to build bridges and improve relationships, you run the risk of actually deepening divisions.

Spouse= you’ve started your own family.

Anyone who wouldn’t go away without their partner maybe needs to assess their co-dependency. It’s important to have relationships outside of your partner.

They’ve been together for 7 years and you think she’s going to go on holiday with you and he not be invited? Of course he’s family … certainly her family. Would you feel different if they were married? What about if she had a child? Leave her husband and child at home for a family holiday with you? Very odd and you are defiantly BU.

Am I the only one who finds it slightly depressing that families with adult children go on holiday together? It’s not something I would ever contemplate.

The holidays I enjoyed in my 20’s and those I enjoy decades later bear no resemblance to each other.

I think whether I was the parent or the adult child I’d hate it either way.

@cloudy718 - the dc and their partners often join us for a week when we are on holiday. They have wonderful growing memories there and the location is fabulous, ime. It's also free except for their travel.

They have other holidays.

This I think YABU OP, I wouldn't go either if I was your dd

You’re being ridiculous, why would you book a holiday including your 25 year old daughter and not her partner, absurd. Of course you all haven’t been away together for years, it’s what happens when your children become adults and can choose who they want to holiday with.

We've 3 adult children. 33-39

Every other year we aim to go away as a family. We book + pay for a house. They just have to get themselves there - including partners. 8 of us.

Some club together to get a second hire car.

We work together to decide which country/place/region.

We wouldn't dream of not asking their partners to come along as well.

Their grandmother used to take away the entire family - 20 of us including partners. It was a joke, amongst some of us, to see how new partners/GFs/BFs coped with everyone.

OP many of the recent comments have obviously not read your updates 🤦‍♀️
It’s very hard when our children fly the nest but as a Mother I have now accepted and embraced their wishes. 💐

Where did you get that the OP has 'Asian roots'?

Well of course they will, they're a couple and have been for years.
You can't expect the dynamics to stay the same forever, children grow up, become their own person.
Take the opportunity to get to know her as an adult, and enjoy their company.
Otherwise you're going to push her away.

I thought that this was going to be about a 15 or 16 yo not a 25 yo who lives her own life.

Of course she wants to go in holiday with her partner - she probably gets 4 or 5 weeks annual leave and it's perfectly normal to spend most of it with your partner & friends.
I'm shocked she's agreeing to come with you at all.

YABVVU not to invite her partner too.

I’m sorry but what? Surely they can bring their partners too? It’s not like they’re teenagers…

Shocked you won’t welcome her partner of SIX YEARS. Wow that’s pretty offensive. if her partner knows you’ve refused their presence it’s pretty awkward and I’ll be v honest and say I think you come across pretty badly and rather mean. You do realise she is an adult and if they got married then they would be family??? Would they be welcome then?!

I remember once - I was 18, almost 19. It was spring break and my parents were going to the coast and I didn’t want to go. I had had a rough semester af uni and I just wanted to rest at home - parents said I was too young to stay at home by myself.
Are you shtting me? I’ve been on my own in another city, being responsible and keeping my head down and studying.
Nope. Too young.
So we had a big fight. Or - my dad & I fought.
Didn’t speak for two days.
Then we’re driving along at the coast and we see thiis giant bull on this cow - and I say what’re those cows doing daddy?
Are those cows fcking?
All three of us burst into laughter.
But I was still mad about having to go to the coast when I really didn’t want to go.
The moral of this story is, don’t boss your adult children around. It upsets them. And it’s mean.

@OneLilacPandaclearly MNers disagree with your decision, and I think you can see why from all the similar messages. If the number of negative messages is upsetting you, know that you can contact MN for help. They can’t remove your post but they can stop it trending, ie being at the top of the list.

Daughters selfish and needs to get her priorities right. She shouldnt be picking a boyfriend over family but you should let her bring him.

You're being unreasonable. Fine to invite her, but fine for her to decline to come. She is an adult, and she's been with her partner for 6 years- he is her family now and of course she wants to have her holiday with him. It's really rude to exclude him and selfish of you to think the holiday should be only about what you want.

I’m glad you’ve listened op. We were together at 19, my mil might have done this if we weren’t married by 25, 20 years ago. She was against my dh proposing as he was too young (she didn’t think that about her own marriage at 24) and i was ready to end the relationship.

Why is she selfish for wanting to spend her limited annual leave with her partner? He is her priority and her family now.