Daughter won’t come on holiday

[OneLilacPanda]

I have planned a holiday for my family (me, husband, son and 2 daughters). We haven’t been away together for a number of years, so I was looking forward to this trip.

Everything was going fine until my daughter (25, youngest) asked to bring her partner. I don’t have anything against him, but this is a family holiday. I explained this to my daughter and she said she doesn’t want to come if she can’t bring her partner as she see’s him as family too. They’ve been together since she was 19, but live about 7 hours away so we don’t see them much.

my daughter is now saying she doesn’t want to come. AIBU for thinking she doesn’t need to do everything with him and she should still come on holiday?

Actually she didn’t say she wanted to bring her DH. She asked on clarification on whether it would be just her and her daughter or with the rest of the family on the weekend away.

In the words of Prof Higgins (My Fair Lady) ‘I think she’s got it, By George, she’s got it !’

Seriously, OP, well done for realising that families move on and not all offspring/siblings are the same. Pat yourself on the back that she felt able to ask and try and go back to her and mend the bridge. I can’t see why you wouldn’t want long term partners on the holiday but obviously others are OK with that concept. We’re all different but I think recognising you might have been trying to recapture the past is a good thing.

Best of luck, I hope you resolve this and have a great holiday.

No a grown woman in a long standing relationship won’t want to go on holiday with mum and dad like she was 12. I was expecting this to be a mid teen not wanting to come away, not an adult who lives independently many hours away! Yabvu

If your DD never marries her partner then you’ll exclude him from your holidays for ever because you want mother and daughter time? Would you do the same if you had a DS?

It never crossed my mind to exclude my now DDIL from holidays where I’d invited DS before they married, just as DD’s partner was automatically included if she was invited.

Really weird to expect a 25 year old to want to holiday with their parents and not their partner of 6 years

Which includes her husband but not her daughter’s partner…

My husband has been on holiday with my siblings without me before! We’re more than happy to be untethered from each other’s hips but even I can understand that the daughter has now moved into a phase in her life where her partner is her family and who she wishes to holiday with. She will have limited holiday time from work and most likely, finances. It’s no mystery why she doesn’t want to spend those without him.

Absolutely would not consider inviting an adult child without their long term partner. So rude.

@TENSsion @TheIceBear and I were just responding to your hypothetical question (directed to the OP):

How would you feel about going on holiday with your mum, dad, siblings but without your husband?

We’re pointing out that not everyone would feel the same way about the situation-but as you say, her DD IS upset so she needs to fix it.

I wonder whether it is to do with the expectation that the parents will pay for everything? The OP hasn’t said.

However, a long weekend of mother daughter bonding time work if you took your whole family? That would be the exact same situation that she has already said she won’t do.

So where’s the line? It’s okay for the daughter to go away with just her mother for a weekend. But as soon as her father and siblings are involved, the BF absolutely MUST be invited? Can she go away with just her mother for a full week? How about her friends? Is that allowed or must he get an invite to the girls holiday abroad as well?

How depressing…

And what do her siblings think about him going on the holiday OP?

Even for the long weekend - think about it, it the goal is family time, why would you take your partner but not hers? From your POV he is ‘family’, from her POV her boyfriend is.

I guess it depends on your relationship with your parents maybe ? I have a great relationship with mine and enjoy their company so enjoyed holidaying with them as an adult and never felt I needed my partner there . Same as I wouldn’t have my partner with me on a holiday with friends .

Hi OP
25 and 23 year old here. We are in the same boat.

Just wondering but did u plan together or ask in advance?
We are going away with our girls this year for a week in Turkey but that was after negotiation and the 3rd year on the trot.
As they are working full time usually ask for a contribution of half toward the cost. We will be buying cost of drinks trips meals out etc.
For the two years they have declined due to reasons of
don’t like the destination, don’t like the hotel, can’t afford it, clashes with a festival/concert, can’t get the date off work.
The turkey holiday I’ve booked this year is not the first choice hotel but more affordable for them to allow them to still go away with partner/friends

Yabu

Good on you OP 💪

It shouldn’t be too late to repair the damage. Perhaps offer to take your daughter out for dinner just the two of you where you can discuss things, and air out any of your feelings.

I’d also maybe try and do some further self reflection on why you don’t class her long term partner as “family”. That was really sad for me to read personally. They could end up getting married and having children so surely you’d want to strengthen the bond with them as a couple now.

Hope it all goes smoothly going forwards.

Good grief. This is the second thread in as many days where the OP listens, thinks and changes their outlook. What is the world coming to, reasonableness is breaking out! Bravo OP!

Ermmm… OP would take her partner because he’s literally the father of their children? He’s the daughter’s father? They are immediate family? A husband and father of (what must be) 30years plus is a lot different to a BF of 6 years who they don’t really know due to distance, who doesn’t have children in the family.

It’s really not a big deal for this girl to go away with her family without her BF. The siblings aren’t bringing their partners. It’ll be a lot more difficult to spend that quality time with your family once children etc come along.

YABU.
He is her family.

Why not book a spa trip away separately for just you and your daughter/s for another time?

Would the BF not need to be invited for the spa trip though? And if not, why not?

In my experience trying to have a “family holiday” when the “kids” are in their 20’s or even over the age of 16/18 can be insufferable

She’s 25 and you’re acting like she’s a child, or maybe you’re acting like a child. I can’t make my mind up which it is. It’s blows my mind that you can’t see how bizarre you’re being.

Because then it would be the OP and her daughters, so a girly trip with no partners. Obvs.

The OPs husband cannot be viewed as a ‘partner’ in this situation. He is a father, a parent.