To not expect to be derided for startling easily

[Thedeuce]

Believe me I don’t fucking like being jumpy either. I’ve always startled easily - especially if people are behind me. Yes I jump easily, I don’t like feeling scared or surprised.

Adult DS just came home whilst I was cleaning and I didn’t hear him come through the door - turned around and there’s a man behind me and yes I jumped and screamed. I know it’s fucking pathetic but he gave me the most withering look and said “exaggerate much”?

How hard is it to apologise for scaring someone regardless of if you meant to or not?

He’s your son. How does he not already know this about you? How does he not already know to apologise?

He does know, they all do. They went through a phase as teenagers of jumping out on each other and they knew it was a hard hard line not to do it to me.

He said he’s not apologising for just coming through the door and I need to stop exaggerating

I have the same involuntary startle reaction (made worse by poor hearing).

Family know about it. I don't expect them to apologize for making me jump, but they long ago recognised that this is an involuntary reaction.

Does he generally speak to you with contempt?

How old is he?

He was rude. But I live with and work with people who startle easily and it is very bloody annoying, so I can understand the annoyance but not the response.

Can you tell me why it’s annoying? Genuine question. I really want to know - I ask in peace

Because I feel my presence is an annoyance or a disruption. It is very irritating to just enter a room and haves someone act like you've nearly killed them. My hearing is bad so I don't necessarily hear someone moving around - I just assume people are nearby so when I see them it's not a huge fright. I often bang about or sing so people can hear me coming - at times I feel I should wear a bell or something!

He shouldnt have to apologise for coming in. Your reaction is very extreme

To add - I have been very startled by people, so I know it's not nice, but that's in situations where I genuinely didn't expect to see someone. I can't understand how people are startled over and over or in situations where it would be normal for another person to be moving about. I probably would have been startled in your situation but I wouldn't have screamed.

He absolutely shouldn’t have to apologise for coming through the door.

He should definitely apologise for giving you a withering look and saying that you’re exaggerating your reaction.

You have to accept that you will jump and be startled when people do completely normal things and it’s not their fault. They need to not take the piss out of you for it.

For me it's because you're treading on eggshells all the time when just trying to do something normal, like go about your daily life.

Not the person's fault of course, but you asked why it's annoying.

Also, when the person jumps and screams it can also startle everyone else around them, which can wear quite thin after a time.

One of the cleaners at work is like this and I'm puzzled as to how to deal with it.

If someone enters the room she screams, if they make noise to let her know they're there before entering, she screams.

Not sure how to deal with it to be honest.

The thing that’s annoying is that often people that startle easily expect us to apologise for just going about our lives. It is not our fault you startle easily.

your son himself said “He said he’s not apologising for just coming through the door…”.

Yes he was a bit mean with suggesting you are exaggerating things and it wouldn’t hurt to shout hello as he enters the home (I do this in my home as an early warning system ;) ).

But generally - I get fed up of making my partner jump when I walk into a room or the house and the glares or expectations of apologies. It’s not my fault he didn’t hear me. I’m not apologising for existing. I tried walking around stomping up and down stairs, being nosier etc but it’s just not me. Apparently I must move through the house like a wraith determined to send him to an early grave. Honestly it’s tempting.

I suffer from this too. It’s like a sense of doom floods my body in a flash and it’s quite upsetting. I’ve had the same situation with my son, he copied the sound I made really sarcastically and I felt shit. I have explained how bad it feels and asked him not to be mean about it as it makes me feel even worse.

I never used to be like this, it came on in my late 30’s. I remember an aunty who was like it and I never understood it. Making people jump was funny and having it done to me was more of a thrill. Now I’ve become her! My nervous system can’t take it anymore.

But if the person startles easily and you know that then you know that you are not the one causing the problem.

Sudden screaming can be very wearing for those in the vicinity

I’m with you op. I don’t think you should apologize at all.

People should announce their presence. It’s rude to just waltz right in, even in a shared space.

when people get angry because we get startled, I think it’s because they realize they were rude and are deflecting.

I easily startle (as does my dog) and I apologise. I know it’s me, not them. I also find it annoying when the dog is jumpy so get where he is coming from. Equally I wouldn’t deliberately scare her and would think anyone deliberately scaring me was unkind. But don’t think he needs to apologise for coming through the door, should instead apologise for being mean about it.

Yes, it’s the withering look and nasty response he should apologise for.
The startle reaction isn’t within a person’s control, wtf doesn’t everyone realise that?

Waltz right in? They live there!

my partner is a bit like this and I think it’s a bit unfair to be shouted at for walking around normally in my own house

Being badly startled is surely moreso.

How is it rude to 'waltz right in' in his own house!? Is he supposed to announce every time he moves from room to room?

Tbh, I’ve never come across anyone like you, OP, but I have to ask why, if you know that you get easily startled, you haven’t done anything to try to address it? (I’m assuming here, as you seem to think that everyone else should change their behaviour)
I’m sure that being nervous ALL the time cannot be good for your health - if you’re in constant “fight or flight” mode… It sounds like an extreme form of anxiety, and there are lots of therapies out there that might help you…

Because it makes you feel as though doing something perfectly ordinary like coming into a room, or speaking to attract someone’s attention when they haven’t seen you, is a form of attack you should have known better than to do.

Im also someone who startles easily, but have the worst of both worlds in that I’m also irritated by my own tendency to be easily startled.

Not the screaming, though. You can train yourself out of the screaming.

Your son just walked into his own house. Being greeted by a screaming mother behaving as if he’s an armed intruder is a bit much.

I startle easily due to sustained historical abuse. I worked with some young colleagues who thought it was hilarious to creep up on me and watch me jump.They would also pretend to jump when I spoke to them to mock me. Fun times.

I sometimes scream when taken by surprise. It’s a funny thing and I’d laugh his ‘derision’
off, not make it into an earnest thing that needs apologies.