To not expect to be derided for startling easily

[Thedeuce]

Believe me I don’t fucking like being jumpy either. I’ve always startled easily - especially if people are behind me. Yes I jump easily, I don’t like feeling scared or surprised.

Adult DS just came home whilst I was cleaning and I didn’t hear him come through the door - turned around and there’s a man behind me and yes I jumped and screamed. I know it’s fucking pathetic but he gave me the most withering look and said “exaggerate much”?

How hard is it to apologise for scaring someone regardless of if you meant to or not?

OP, I’m the same as you. It drives my son nuts! We just laugh about it now he’s 16.

I don’t see why anyone on this planet would be offended that you startled in their presence. Like Wtaf?! Yo ur reaction isn’t one of accusation. That’s like saying if you hurt yourself, you can’t make noises that make it clear you’re hurt in case it offends anyone else that is witnessing the accident. Crazy talk.

I startle easily…it can be a trauma response. It’s not personal ffs. It’s a reaction. I wouldn’t expect an apology if it were me unless I was spoken to the way your son spoke to you…and I wouldn’t expect anyone to make out like I was being dramatic either. You’re allowed to react however you need to.

I'm usually acutely aware of background noise - birds, traffic, that sort of thing so I don't startle that easily but if you are the sort of person that gets lost in your own thoughts and blocks out everything else, you may be more susceptible.

I feel like startling (involuntary reaction to any unexpected sound) and screaming because you see a man unexpectedly in your home are two different things maybe? I don't think you should have to apologise for either, but equally, I think it was probably a bit, well, startling for your son to be screamed at unexpectedly, which may explain his reaction somewhat.

I’m imagining that the OP’s reaction that she describes as screaming is like mine - one single scream that is involuntary. Not repeated screaming which would be a different thing.

Not sure I said it would be "of use". People don't generally cry because they think it's useful. It was a reaction to shock.
He was wearing a gorilla mask and I was absolutely terrified.

Interesting - I'll look into that.

I assumed gentic - there some ND/SEN and thought must be that - but how bad I am does vary so could be something else on top.

I’m very easily startled (probably because of cPTSD). Your amygdala is on hyper alert, but there are things that can help - CBT, meditation and mindfulness are all good.

People who don’t startle will never understand. My DH sometimes says “I wish you wouldn’t do that, there’s no need for it”. I think he believes that I get a mild shock and then consciously think “I know what’s needed here, I’ll jump out of my skin right now and let out a bit of a shriek. I think the situation warrants that”. He doesn’t get that it’s an instant, INVOLUNTARY reaction.

If someone is easily startled/frightened I think it's a bit cruel to make fun or insult them, it's clearly involuntary unless they are really over the top with it.

My boyfriend startled easily for a while as a trauma response. If anyone is interested, there are some exercises you can do to integrate the startle response (Moro reflex) if you google it. One that I remember is star to ball (lie on your back, breath in and tuck your limbs and head into a ball, then exhale and stretch your arms out like a star). Needs to be done a few times a day for a while

You can expect people who love and care about you not to deride you for anything.

I don't really see he needs to apologise but I can see why you were startled.

That’s really interesting, I’ll look into that.

This. In the households where everyone has it, do you just spend your time screaming because everyone's been startled, then startled by the screaming from being startled, so they again scream and startle the other, who's startled by the startler and so on ad infinitum...

That's interesting. I don't absorb B12 brilliantly so I take a supplement most of the time. I don't know am I worse when I'm very low on B12 though.

I have a strong startle reflex and have done all my life. It does irritate other people sometimes, dp's response is most often to say 'I live here' if I am on the ball and recover quickly I try and say you live here and laugh first. Or sorry can't help it. As far as I am concerned it annoys me too and I have tried to get control but I even do it when I anticipate he's going to come in eg hearing his approach but it can still happen. One of my (adult) docs is the same and together we do it to each other or simultaneously which does actually make us laugh along the lines of what a pair what total nonsense behaviour.

It's embarrassing when it happens with total strangers or non family eg in shops, on a footpath or generally out and about.

The syndrome has a name but I've forgotten what it is.

Open the door and shout ‘it’s me!!’ and they jump a mile..there’s probably no right way of walking into your house.

Not apologise, but not speak witheringly to somebody, particularly somebody who’s cleaning the house you live in.

I just thought she was hoping he wouldn’t be sarcastic and belittling?

Get a grip. Learn to control yourself. Crying is rarely unavoidable. If you were scared for genuine reasons being able to control your emotions could only help you, so practising is a good idea.

@OchonAgusOchonOh It possibly affects people differently but its something that is worth a shot.

"Crying in response to shock is a common and natural reaction, and it's not always avoidable. Shock can trigger the body's stress response, leading to a cascade of physical and emotional reactions, including crying. While crying can be a way to release emotional tension and help the body process the trauma, it's important to remember that everyone experiences shock differently, and some individuals may experience different emotional responses."

Maybe look at the part that says 'everyone experiences shock differently'. Take a look at yourself and maybe try to understand that just because you are a certain way, not everyone else is. Bursting into tears is a perfectly natural reaction to shock.
I don't need to 'get a grip', or learn to control myself. I don't make a habit of bursting into tears but when something that looks like a gorilla jumps out at me, of course I'm going to get a huge shock.

Not sure why you've decided to pick on me in particular, but please keep your self-satisfied thoughts to yourself.

I know that you can do better - I was a nervous child and learnt to control it. You as an adult better placed to do so. Crying over a poor-taste prank suggests you need to work on it.

This happens in my house too!
Partner is overly jumpy and like others say it is annoying. Obviously different if the cause is ptsd etc

It's got nothing to do with being nervous or not. I was not a nervous child, I am not a nervous adult. I do however, have a strong startle reflex.

I’m sure that Mumsnet is a rich source of inspiration for Catherine Tate.