To not expect to be derided for startling easily

[Thedeuce]

Believe me I don’t fucking like being jumpy either. I’ve always startled easily - especially if people are behind me. Yes I jump easily, I don’t like feeling scared or surprised.

Adult DS just came home whilst I was cleaning and I didn’t hear him come through the door - turned around and there’s a man behind me and yes I jumped and screamed. I know it’s fucking pathetic but he gave me the most withering look and said “exaggerate much”?

How hard is it to apologise for scaring someone regardless of if you meant to or not?

Hmm, I startle easily (but I do not scream) ever since I was burgled while at home alone and a few years later, robbed in the street. I expect my experience is far from unique.

If anyone screamed if I startled them (which obviously I avoid if possible), I would find that really unpleasant, and frankly, startling.

Perhaps if you work on your outward response in consideration for your fellow startlees, and for innocent folks just doing stuff, you’ll rub along much better.

Your son should remember his manners, though.

I've always assumed it's attention-getting behaviour, but I could be wrong.

Everyone in the household to have bells round their necks?

It’s not for coming in, it’s for making her jump. And then for saying what he said, which suggests he thinks she is being over dramatic and attention seeking. I have this sudden jumpiness too and have frequently startled and screamed at a loud noise in a restaurant (timer going off to let us know food is ready; sitting at the window in a train and a high speed train goes past). If anything, it’s a disability and the son should not comment in that dismissive way.

I have a very strong startle response too… because I have PTSD. In one job I had, years ago, a young guy used to think it was hilarious to drop heavy pallets on the floor behind me to see me jump out of my skin 🤨 I never even knew his name - I just called him ‘wanker’. Thankfully it was just a temp job.

I don’t need people to fall over themselves apologising to me, but being mean or taking the piss is nasty. Your son knows you startle easily, his reaction was a bit mean, he could’ve said a quick ‘ooops, sorry mum’ surely? 🤷‍♀️

On your side OP, presuming you're not a drama queen (which I have been accused off in the past).

The startle response is reflexive and involuntary, it's to something unexpected so it's difficult to modify your response in the moment. All very well saying that your son loves there and shouldn't have to walk on eggshells, but if he arrives unexpectedly and you're focused on something, his sudden presence is unexpected and you may well jump.

I have this, and my adult son loves to sneak up on me for shits and giggles and I just have to play along, because it's my problem right, regardless if I'm left with a racing heart or I've tossed a cup of tea over myself in surprise ( about which DS was mortified, so he chooses his moments with a risk assessment now).

It's something that is hard to control in the moment, but I have learned to minimise the aftershock as it were.

And my acute vertigo isn't attention seeking either, it makes me a danger to myself and others in certain situations, which I mostly avoid, because it's also a physiological response that is hard to control.

I'm all for keeping things light and in proportion but sometimes the "ribbing" is a bit much.

I have a friend who does this, so this thread has made me think. I find it sets off a bit of a chain reaction which might be the annoying part. We’ll be sitting in a cafe and a child will shriek, friend's alarming startle response scares me and so now there are three people in the space jumping out of their skin.

I try hard to be patient and empathic. I do think, in friend's case, that it’s part of a wider issue with anxiety in general.

I’m a bit jumpy and sometimes jump if one of the kids or DH have come into the room quietly. I sometimes scream if they hide behind the door and jump out! We all laugh about it though and I wouldn’t get upset if they looked at me gone out.

You are wrong. 🙄 Its a REFLEX. Everyone has it to a greater or lesser degree.you don’t get some kind of points for not having it and you don’t lose points for having it.

I don't really do that - but if it really is involtary for those posters who do I'm be intrigued to know how those posters can stop it?

Is it lots of being startled ie training how they react - till they don't make a noise - or spray them with water if they startle and do it ?

How do you modify involuntary actions - I know mine are worse when my hearings compromised ie colds or if I'm tired - all sensory issues are for me - or if I'm heavily engrossed in a task - but beyond being aware of that not sure how to mitigate OTT reactions.

As others have said, I imagine it's the screaming that's annoying. I believe people can control that part, and it sounds like your son does too

I am the person who tends to startle - if I'm concentrating on something I simply dont' see/hear what's happening around me and then jump out of my skin when someone appears. That's a ME problem, not a them problem so I would never expect them to apologise. And I regularly have to apologise for then giving someone else a fright because I've screamed like the house has come down over something quite minor.

I don't understand why ou expect your DS to be super careful and to APOLOGISE. I mean, sure, him making rude comments isn't nice either, adn it irritates me when DH is irritated with me, but I don't expect him to be SO understandign that he apologise to ME for accidentally startling me!

Why do you think people can control a scream when it is the result of fright?

With kindness maybe they are just finding having to forever tip toe around you because of the constant jumping and screaming a bit exhausting. It must get a bit wearing for other people too. I once had my mother’s home help whom I had only just let in the front door turn around and scream in my face after turning her back and taking her coat off. It gets a bit effing ridiculous after a while. Maybe try some cognitive behavioural therapy for you and everyone else around you.

Honestly, because it's something I've worked hard on to stop in myself. I can't stop from jumping, but I can keep my mouth shut

Which bit of "involuntary" do people find hard to understand? A short sudden "scream" while your brain goes, oh, ffs it's just Tarquin, is usually how it goes, followed by a pithy exchange, and as much goid humour as can be mustered. It's not usually 20 minutes of Sistene Chapel proportions.

Those of us who have this know that from time to time it's unavoidable, so we manage our responses as best we can, because it's an "us" problem.

Couple of years ago a house down from us got struck by lightening in the middle of the night and it sounded like a bomb had gone off. Social media lit up with people having full blown panic attacks, and my household had to gather for strong tea and the passing of paper bags, including adult sons. It's a reflex we all have to one degree or another. It primes us for defensive action if required, it's a survival thing.

How did you mange it though ? Is the some sort of program or series of exercises to be followed?

I'm naturally quiet as is DD2 - so it's less an issue for us but I curious how you can make this happen - and if it could work on jumping bit as well - as that does get annoying even when I'm the one doing it.

I startle easily, but I don't have screaming theatrics about it. You need to learn to regulate your reaction.
If he'd done something to scare you then I could understand wanting an apology, but you screaming at him just for being present is not him being in the wrong, it is you suffering from a personal issue you need to learn better coping skills for.

How do you announce your presence @Ponderingwindow ?

to add, your reaction might well be based on instinct, but part of being an adult is learning to control your behaviors and training yourself to react in ways which are socially appropriate and considerate of others
todders often shriek and cry in involuntary reaction to things, but part of growing up is learning how to redirect and manage those responses.

I had PTSD (due to being victim of serious attack by stranger who had broken in to my home). The one thing that now remains is my reaction to being taken by surprise which appears to people as being overly dramatic. Often happens when my adult son comes down to the kitchen after I’ve called him for food and I have my back to him when he comes in and he walks very quietly. He doesn’t do it on purpose (and neither do I). They don’t know the reason for my startle reflex reaction but it is what it is.

I once got a dressing down at work from doing it because I had scared the other person by screaming and my reaction wasn’t necessary. 🤷‍♀️

@Thedeuce you ask why it's annoying. Someone suddenly screaming is very startling and upsetting for everyone. Can you imagine if everyone did that and you'd be constantly startled yourself by their startled reaction. Surely someone like you that startles easily would understand the effect of a sudden unexpected scream? I get it isn't your fault to be surprised but YABU for screaming, you need to learn to control it.

You can’t help it if you startle easily.

I do too, and it’s not something that can be helped.

It can be a trauma response to an earlier experience such as domestic abuse (this is why I do it).

It doesn’t mean your son is in the wrong to have come in, especially as he didn’t mean to scare you, but equally you can’t help it. He just needs to understand your reaction. It’s not a criticism of him.

Embarrassingly, I startled like this when my cleaner came in the other week - she has much more reason to be like it than me, but it’s not something I can control.

It’s not something that can be controlled

Try taking a B Vitamin Complex with B12 being a bit low can cause you to startle easily.