To not expect to be derided for startling easily

[Thedeuce]

Believe me I don’t fucking like being jumpy either. I’ve always startled easily - especially if people are behind me. Yes I jump easily, I don’t like feeling scared or surprised.

Adult DS just came home whilst I was cleaning and I didn’t hear him come through the door - turned around and there’s a man behind me and yes I jumped and screamed. I know it’s fucking pathetic but he gave me the most withering look and said “exaggerate much”?

How hard is it to apologise for scaring someone regardless of if you meant to or not?

I am pretty much the same and can jump easily if absorbed in doing something. This wasn't a problem until my nephew moved in (I previously lived alone). I swear he levitates around the house because I never hear a sound, yet he will suddenly appear in front of me.

Although he doesn't deliberately set out to make me jump, he finds it amusing when it happens. After the shock, I can laugh about it too - not something I would get angry about or expect an apology for - unless done deliberately.

How should people announce their presence?

This. It’s the angry stare and sometimes shout that makes you feel like they think it’s your fault and you should know better.

im not apologising for walking around in my own home!

I too startle easily but people shouldn’t have to be thinking about their every move just to pander to you.

Your son came into his own home he shouldn’t have to be on egg shells wondering how to make the entrance.

You startle easily, it’s not great but it’s just one of those things.

I mean my partner jumps when I walk in and then gets annoyed at me

My mum startles really easily and when she comes to stay I do find myself trying to make noise before I enter a room she's in, or announcing myself before she sees me but she often still jumps. I really do find it annoying and I can't quite explain why- its like I'm changing my behaviours to avoid startling her but it happens anyway and this constant jumping feels slightly performative (although I dont think she's putting it on). I have to admit ive started rolling my eyes at her now when she jumps even though I've tried my best to avoid it happening- its like the act of her jumping triggers this annoyance in me (but again I cant really explain why)

I'm easily startled. I've screamed a few times when I didn't hear dp come in, I said sorry for screaming at him. I don't blame your ds for having that reaction. You've screamed at him like he's an axe murderer and you expect him to apologise

I don’t think he has anything to apologise for @Thedeuce at a pinch I’d say you could apologise for squeaking and say “sorry you gave me a start”

Imagine being made to feel like you need to apologise for coming into your own house. It should be his safe space but instead he's treated like an intruder.

I understand you startle easily but I'd say if you scream in someone's face then you should apologise to them.

Or maybe he can move out as he’s an adult.

I startle really easily. I usually just laugh it off. I don't expect people to apologise though, they haven't done anything wrong, why would they apologise?

I do think your DS's comment was uncalled for and he should apologise for that though.

Yes. It’s my issue to manage. Which doesn’t mean that it’s ok that a pp’s colleagues bullied her by creeping up on her, but it also doesn’t mean that other people have to apologise for coming into rooms or speaking in an ordinary way.

I am like this, I always have been (earliest memory of the reaction was when i was about 4). I recognise it is annoying, but it's also not something I can control either. The more normal response is to apologise to each other; it's no one's fault

He doesn’t have to apologize for coming in he just has to not shit on her for her involuntary startle reflex.

There’s a difference between startling easily and screaming and carrying on every time you do. It’s not your startle that’s the problem it’s your reaction to being startled. You need to learn to control it. Also “saw a man”. Are you that dense that your first thought was “scream at rapist” not “oh son’s home unexpectedly”? I mean presumably you know what he looks like.

Sorry, but I’m afraid I and likely many others will lose patience with the attention-seeking carry on. Startle by all means but no need to turn it into sturm und drang. That’s why he was withering. I would have been too. Unbelievably tiresome to live with

Sorry! I didn’t mean to quote you! My mistake.

I startle easily too. My son once jumped out at me and I burst into tears!

How should we announce our presence?

People are odd about it - I have it as does DD2.

We also have delayed proccesing - so people can think we put it on as the reaction delayed by seconds as brain processes compared to others.

I don't tend to scream just jump - so don't apologise - it is what it is. Usual reponse is to say well you made me jump and laugh it off.

Here I would probably have said well I'm not choosing to do it - you just startled me - and then shrug it off.

Honestly? Learn some self control. What use would crying be if you had genuine reason to be startled? I’m now waiting for posts on passing out and having hysterics. You could try to be a little less Victorian

He shouldn't make fun of you but equally you can't expect him to apologise for you jumping when all he has done is walk into a room in his own home.

You know that your startle reflex is massively exaggerated so you really can't expect others to keep apologising for going about normal life.

Entering a room is rude?
Wow.

Yes I agree you can’t help jumping. But screaming and crying? Come on, that’s controllable

This sounds like a non-issue. He didn't call you a fucking idiot, he made a passing 'withering' comment. I can't imagine getting upset about this.

I agree with you and I'm the person doing the jumping and telling. However, I recognise that it is my problem, that it is not a typical reaction and I apologise to people for my excessive startling as it's not their fault.

That said, I don't apologise to family. We generally just laugh together at my ott reaction.

So op, I think you're being unreasonable expecting a apology for simply coming in the door. You might have a case if he snook up behind you and yelled boo. That said, the withering look was a bit rude..