To think unless you are ugly you’ve no idea what it’s like

[Riverrunswild83]

It’s made my life so difficult.
I understand about being a nice person etc and I am, I think. I try to be kind. I have hobbies. I don’t think I’m super dull or boring.

But I am ugly.

I a regularly ignored, even more so now I’m 40, and I’ve had friends openly laugh at the idea of me wearing a certain thing or going to a certain event.
I frequently feel more and more that the world is not set up for ugly people. It has hampered relationships and friendships and I believe my job prospects. It’s amazing how attractive people have an automatic advantage - this isn’t bitterness, it is fact. People flock to what they see as attractive and value it. Sure, I have made a reasonable reputation but I have had to work much harder for it.

I really think being ugly has made my life at least twice as hard as if I were average or attractive - from not getting served quickly in places, to struggling to make friends. People always assume if you are ugly you are worthless and increasingly I am starting to feel like I am.

AIBU to think the world is just not set up for ugly people?

Doesn’t nature draw people of similar levels of attractiveness together, ie a ‘8’ woman will seek out an ‘8’ man? Famous exceptions do apply!

I have to disagree actually. As someone who used to be stereotypically “hot” I’ve now “let myself go” and I honestly prefer it.

What you don’t see is the constant snidely comments from other woman who appear jealous of you. Woman don’t treat attractive woman nicely in my experience.

I do think you're absolutely right here. I was "pretty" in my younger years and women were so outright bitchy towards me. Now I'm older with crows feet and a face sliding south, women are far nicer 😅

They are.

I can’t believe how many people on the thread seem to believe that the playing field will level as people age (past 35!!). IME people who are beautiful in their 30s are still beautiful in their 40s and 50s.

They are also still beautiful in their 60s and 70s and 80s and beyond that. But there is a dropping away of the objectification via male gaze that levels the playing field at a certain point. Aka, they deem you unbangable. It's great!

Hi Looking at it simply, not many people in every day life are gorgeous.
I was in town today for a few hours so saw maybe a hundred or so people.
Nearly all of them looked just ordinary, not pretty or handsome, some unattractive.
One or two really stood out as drop dead gorgeous.I know what you mean though.

I know most men are only nice to me because I'm pretty. They're pathetic.

Most people are only in their current relationship because they were good looking enough to attract their partner. It's quite depressing.

But why would you want to exist to people like him?

Be glad that you’re not of interest to those kind of people… I actually feel more sorry for the woman getting unwanted attention!

Focus on acceptance of yourself and surround yourself with people who love you for you.

Ditch the “friends”!

I promise it’s not about looks. It’s about confidence.

People don’t flock to what they find attractive. People flock to confident, self assured people.

It doesn’t matter what facial features you have, if you walk into a room head down, hunched over, looking timid, not making eye contact - people won’t notice you. People won’t remember you.

If you walk into a room shoulders back, chin up, looking like you know where you’re going, good eye contact, smile, self assured and assertive. The ability to talk easily to strangers - people will notice you. People will be drawn to you. People will remember you. People will value you.

Granted, it’s easier said than done to put this into practice. Especially if you truly believe yourself to be ugly, not important, etc.

You need to start believing in yourself. Please do things to improve your self esteem, self worth and confidence.

I'm sure you aren't ugly, OP. You sound interesting, intelligent, kind, thoughtful and a heck of a lot more attractive than the so-called friends you have.

I'd love to know how to feel like I'm more attractive, since I had a head injury and post concussion syndrome before being injured by an off label antipsychotic prescribed for severe insomnia and anxiety. It gave me a neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia that involves very odd, bizarre involuntary movements of my face, mouth, tongue and other body parts. I've been feeling deeply unattractive because of it for a decade now, and coupled with the joys of weight gain, among other perimenopause symptoms, it is a hard one.

But, and here's a big old but, i try to be attractive in some other ways like being kind, empathetic, compassionate, thoughtful etc. And admittedly, often I cry because my broken brain has (subjectively) made my body less attractive, but i try not to dwell on it too much.

I understand your feelings of being not understood by those who aren't unattractive, and it's not easy. But as I said initially, I bet you are beautiful in every way.

I'm physically attractive. I get complete strangers of both sexes commenting on my looks pretty frequently. I also work on jobs that do attract and favor good looking people so although I don't base my friendship off of looks ( my best friends are overweight and not great looking, however I love them and they love me) I do tend to keep company with other attractive people. Attractive people are not aliens, most are nice, normal people, who have nice, normal conversations.
I've dealt with horrible bullying at work from women, and I know it was because of my looks because she admitted that was the reason. There was a woman that made up stories that I wanted to sleep with all of the men at work, completely ignoring that I was in a committed same sex relationship. Bullying isn't a one sided issue.

I was attractive when I was younger but now I’ve gained weight and my face has aged I’m not very attractive. The plus side is no pestering from men anymore but you are right ugly people are ignored/dismissed and generally treated less favourably

But what is ugly though? Honestly?

Ugly is a playground thing. Ugly is a comparison.

God yes at my age, I've seen how the prettier 'can seem' to sail through life, and yes more windows are opened, more opportunities availed. It is true, it's a stark reality but look at all the young pretty girls now filling their faces and lips and arses with who knows what to feel prettier. In their early 20s.

I'm not paying lip service to @Riverrunswild83 . I don't need to. I don't know her. I'm 50. I've been through my years of called ugly, I've been called moose or whatever by ignorant men who I wouldn't want to know anyway. But yes, in younger years these things do affect you. In older years too.

That said 'friends' laughing at you for any reason are not friends. They're vacuous nasty arseholes. The ones still getting a kick at 40 by putting somebody down. In short, immature bullies.

People don't flock to attractive, they flock to confidence. I've met many an 'attractive' person with zero confidence. I've met many 'ugly' people with bags of confidence.

The world is unfair. I'll never be a supermodel, I'll never be a model (Hi Nick Park - 😉) I'll never have that easy confidence. I'll always have hobbit feet. I'll never get that tooth back that I was clinging on to so desperately - I do have others, but that was my first lost to old age! I'll never have a lot of things.
But, I've hopefully, maybe (2 week cancer pathway) 30 years left. I'm not going to spend that comparing myself to someone who is incomparable. I'm not going to decide that I've just faded away and life was shit because of my big fat conk (true). I'm not going to worry that my skin around my eyes is so droopy and wrinkled before it's time due to blepharitis that would make it swell to ten times its size. Go down, swell again, go down...
My eyes are basically on a par with my 50 year old tits!

I don't know why I'm blethering on. You're 10 years younger than me, there's clearly no hope because you're ugly. You must hideous. I walk to Asda and I see people. I get on a bus and see people. I go in to town and see a ramshackle shit hole, with people. Some of those people are actually in couples and love each other. Weirdos.

You need to work on your self esteem. You should find better friends. I'll rephrase that - look in other circles to meet like minded people who make you feel valued.

Do something for yourself that impresses yourself. Change a tyre, lay a carpet, hang some doors (they were my last aargh!).

Stop comparing yourself. Stop fading away, stop beating yourself up, stop being on such a downer because those aren't attractive traits.

I don't know what you want out of life, but believe me, it's not all about looks and you're not 15.

I heard that Trump bloke is quite popular. I imagine he's a looker.

That was in reply to above, but turned out, meant for @Riverrunswild83

I think people are disingenuous and of course looks play a part in how you’re treated.

but I also think there a scale of. Attractiveness and a lot can be managed by presentation, braces, dressing well and having good hair.

but that’s if you want to be and see value in it. A lot of people especially in Britain almost take a pride in actively not caring about presentation

but also as other say personality and having charisma being good at a bit of chat works wonders

i've yet to meet a person who is ugly physically.
i see people who could benefit from a hair cut, dental work, working with a dermatologist or even just buying nicer clothing but they are not ugly, they could look more conventionally pretty if they did xyz but everyone has potential to be pretty.

No no no.

That's confirming to a stereotypical pretty.

Embrace our uniquenesses (is that a word?).

It's not about straight white teeth, it's not about the haircut. It's not about wearing the right clothes.
That's chasing a comparison, that now, is ten a penny.

It's about self esteem, self confidence and self worth.
Of course having nice hair and clothes (that suit) will make you feel better. Life isn't about chasing pretty though.

Wrong answer i would say, anyway who decides who is pretty or ugly anyway

What people think of me is none of my business so I get on with having a life and not focus on looks and no I genuinely have no idea if people think i am ugly or pretty it really makes no difference to me whatsoever

I came to say this too - I had a friend like this at school which was such a lesson for me as a teenager. She had wonky teeth (got them fixed but only as an adult) a crooked nose (never got it fixed, never mentioned it) and frizzy hair that she used to brush for ages as if she was a mermaid.
She was sporty and had a great figure, great boobs and was also really witty - to the point of being spiteful sometimes in her comments so the type that you didn’t want to get on the wrong side of - everyone told her how beautiful she was and she walked like a supermodel and had blokes fawning over her all the time. Where other objectively “pretty” girls who were quiet and timid clearly did not feel like her.

Projecting confidence and personality and paying attention to your grooming / clothes really do go a long way. Theres loads of people like this in the media - non traditionally pretty types held up as icons. Sarah Jessica Parker - stunning yes, “pretty”, not really. If she was a bit overweight and under confident, looking all pasty with bad hair and in her glasses she’d look totally different! There should be a photo filter for this so everyone can see the difference it all makes. I really don’t think there’s such a thing as ugly that braces, fake tan, losing weight, style overhaul etc wouldn’t help. It all just depends how much effort you want to make.

Or people could just accept people for who they are, fake tan looks like you have dunked yourself in tea, the clue is in the name 'fake' maybe the effort could be in being a good person and not looking fake?

Surprised at the votes here. I'm sure pretty people might have a better time of it if they don't have any issues, but like anyone else they might have their own problems like getting a lot of unwanted attention or inappropriate comments. Sometimes they get judged more too.

I'm not attractive in my opinion and probably have worked harder in life knowing that, but I think friendly, confident people can achieve well in life, both socially and professionally . It's how you project yourself regardless of how you look.

Also, your friends sound dreadful. Find some new ones who don't laugh at you!

I've been called 'incredibly plain' and 'hit with the ugly stick', and was bullied about my weird looks throughout my school years and early adulthood.

It hurt terribly when I was younger. But then I started regarding this data as a useful method of weeding out people I had no intention of wasting further time on. Boy, did that free up some time!

Dear OP, I feel your pain. But please value yourself enough to weed out your awful 'friends' and find some decent ones. Life will improve markedly when you surround yourself with decent, intelligent, caring people.

OP and to all saying they’re sure she isn’t ugly - there are actually several studies that measure attractiveness (something to do with facial symmetry and proportions). The further you are from that ideal the less attractive you’re considered. Other studies show more attractive people do benefit from tangible things like shorter prison sentences, higher salaries etc. so there are tangible benefits to being more attractive, and penalties for being less so. As someone very unattractive I have experienced everything OP describes, plus bullying throughout school, uni and my early career, and random acts of abuse from strangers as I just try go about my day.

It’s not fair and does still sting, but I the one advantage I have found is that I’ve had to work on more important parts of myself to “survive” in a world not made for ugly people. I’m smarter, more compassionate, more patient, more sensible, better at detecting BS, and much more resilient than many even slightly more attractive people I know. I also have developed a certain confidence and peace around my looks - especially as I age I don’t really care because my looks were never my defining feature. OP - I empathize, focus on the non-physical related nice parts of who you are. How we look is only one part of who we are, and I dare say, one of the least important.

I think confidence is a massive factor, whether attractive or not. Mostly, confidence comes more naturally to those who are attractive, but I don’t think it’s just physical appearance.

Jeezus Christmas @Riverrunswild83 Those "friends" are. Not. Friends. It sounds more like you're their punching bag. Seriously. Get rid.
Do you feel like you can live with your looks and just change your hair, make-up, clothing and experiment with that like you have always wanted to? Or, is it something you want to actually change through dental/ortho, derm/plastic surgeon; personal trainer?
Whatever it is, life is too short to be unhappy. Do what makes you feel good about yourself. And, please, find new friends who will accept you and support you what ever you look like. Don't accept any less. 🩷