To ask my brother to visit us from abroad and refuse to meet in London

[JIMER202]

I live in Australia and haven’t been home since 2022.

I’m planning a trip back to the UK next year and my children will be 6 and 2 by then. My youngest was born out here and so it will be his first time meeting most of my family (including my brother). My eldest was a toddler when we moved and so it will basically be his first time meeting anyone too.

My family live rurally and so my children and I will be flying Australia-London and then driving another 3-4 hours to my hometown. We have an 8hr drive to the Airport on the Aus side too, so it is a lot of travel and jet lag is going to be an issue also.

We are coming for 10 days which sounds bonkers as it’s such a long way to come, but my partner is able to come for 10 days or I fly alone with both children. My grandad has had strokes and it’s likely this will sadly be one of the last times we see him (hopefully not the last but I am bracing myself it may be).

As this trip is such a big deal and costing so much £££ already, we are actually going to be staying in a holiday cottage with my parents and grandparents, so they can really spend as much time with my children as possible and to limit the driving to see different people. Anyone that has lived away from your hometown and gone back to visit will know that everyone usually ends up saying oh come meet me here, come over to ours etc and we are trying to keep that to a minimum.

My brother also lives abroad (a 2hr flight away) and has no children. He flies back to the UK and then drives to our hometown 2-3 times a year. He will often drive all the way to our hometown and then all the way to see some of his wife’s family who are 2 hours away from there in a single weekend, which is of course a lot of travelling.

Here is my AIBU. We told my brother of the plan for the big family accommodation and that as we are paying he won’t have to pay anything, the place has enough space for him and his wife (a bedroom if they would like to stay) and he said to me why can’t I just fly to London and meet you there? Why can’t I just see you and the kids in central London? (He was suggesting meeting on a weekend before we fly back)

My husband has said it’s my family and up to me but he would prefer to not take them in to Central London on tubes etc at the ages they are and they are so young they aren’t interested in seeing Central London, they really just want to see the grandparents. I agree.

My brother has said he has no interest in coming to the holiday let. I sent him a message to let him know that as we are paying for the holiday let to minimize extra travel as my children would already have done so much and likely be jet lagged and due to their ages we won’t be doing central London. He has now asked if we can meet at Heathrow, but I can’t think of what we would do there? He made it clear he does want to see us and our children but ‘I don’t want to travel all the way back home again.’ I think he’s being rigid and I can’t understand why he’s willing to do it at other times and to see his wife’s family which is way more traveling then we are asking him to do. I mentioned he doesn’t have children as I don’t think he’s quite grasping that taking my children for several hours on the train to central London for basically a lunch is far from appealing. We get on well so I don’t understand why it feels like he’s holding this boundary with us over London or nothing when they travel to our hometown at other times?! It’s like they have agreed to stop doing it all the time but I don’t understand why they can’t make an exception for us. They are doing their same trip home twice before we even fly there next year!

He’s wanting to fly in/out is why he would need to find out if flights are possible with the timings we need too

I think most of these responses are ridiculous.
You have given your brother a year in advance notice that you're coming, a place he travels to twice yearly.
Its obvious from some of these replies that they've never travelled from Australia especially with young children! The jetlag is horrendous.
Your brother should be making more of an effort. I would be really hurt.
Personally, I would just say that's fine he can't meet up and hope to see you the next time we visit. Spend time with your parents and grandparents and don't let this derail your visit. Facetime him etc when you get there.
Trying to accommodate meeting him will spoil your trip and don't underestimate how exhausted you will be!

People are being so weird on here about this. My sis emigrated to aus and has one small child. When she is home I fit in around her. It’s not that deep.

My kids are grown and I am much more able to go wherever - and I haven’t just flown half way round the world! Sheesh.

In fact her first trip back after she had her baby (FTM) I counselled her to do as you are doing @JIMER202 - but she hiked about with that baby round the UK and it nearly killed her 😂. Next year they stayed put and let people come to them. V easy.

All this “you chose to emigrate” is utterly bizarre.

I wouldn’t be cutting short my time with grandparents I know I’ll never see again for a quick lunch with a brother who can’t be arsed to step outside an airport terminal for more than a couple of hours to meet me and my DC after I travelled halfway round the world. Stop tying yourself in knots to accommodate him, he’s being incredibly selfish. Tell him Heathrow won’t work and if he’s really adamant that with a year’s notice he can’t come to your hometown then tell him you’ll see him next time you are over. Put the ball in his court and leave it there.

You probably won’t like this op, but you are just not relevant to his life anymore. You have created a whole new life the other side of the world. Your family haven’t been prioritised at all. They have probably been through a whole grieving process, and have missed all of the key moments they could have shared with you.

I don’t think you are looking at this from their point of view at all. It was your decision to move so far away, and they have their own lives and priorities now.

I understand you have given them notice you are coming, and have set it up to be as easy as possible for you, but people have their own issues and life to deal with, and can’t always just fit in, and respectfully not should you expect them to. He has offered to fly here to see which in itself is a huge undertaking. I would meet him for lunch at LHR as he suggested and be glad to see him at all.

The world does not revolve around your choices op. I say that kindly.

OP I agreed with you first. But then I saw you accuse a poster of “attacking your DH” when they really didn’t. Is there some history here we don’t know about? Do you often get over defensive?

I’m trying to explain myself for some reason. I’ve said to my brother we can’t do central London but can we meet halfway OR try and do Heathrow in the afternoon and I will change the plans I had that day to try and accommodate him

I can understand why you are disappointed that he won't make the journey now after saying he would. For that, I don't think you are being unreasonable.
If it was me, I would just do what works best for my family given the relatively short duration of the trip and the young age of your children, and if that means you don't get to see your brother, then it is what it is.
If you are desperate to see him, then it sounds like meeting at Heathrow the night before you fly home is the only option. If it helps, we stayed at Heathrow before a flight with our two year a few months ago and he loved it!
This is one the difficulties that come from living abroad, you can go so long without the opportunity to see loved ones, and even when the opportunity does arise, it doesn't always work for everyone. My brother lives abroad (Australia too), and he has the same thing. I know he really struggles with it. So I do feel for you, it must be hard.

Hopefully you can meet in the hotel you are already staying in at Heathrow, and all you have to do is leave a couple of hours earlier than you would have done.

I think your brother is being a selfish arse OP. This is booked a year in advance and he can't make it over to meet his family that he hasn't seen in 4 years!

I'd tell him the plans you have and if he can't be bothered to see you then hey ho, you know where you stand. I wouldn't be arranging to fit in with his plans at all.

So I'd take this as 'can't be arsed/you and your kids are not worth the extra effort/expense to come from Heathrow to hometown' which is really horrible when you see each other so infrequently.

Only you know how he will react if you say "OK, I understand, but we won't be able to make it this time". Will it trigger him to do the right thing (but resent it) or cancel his trip and start a feud?

Kindly, the world doesn’t revolve around you and your children. I think meeting at Heathrow is going to have to be your option.

My point was that you could easily arrive before 4pm to accommodate his need to fly in and out. I don't understand why you wouldn't have suggested this. Much easier for him to fly in on a morning flight and out on an evening flight.

Could you just meet him in central London on your own?

No I just find anyone saying it’s odd my partner can’t take more than 2 weeks off a bit much. I guess the history would be I now am disabled and so I do need my husbands help in order to make this trip work as my children are so young. So I probably am defensive of him and this is probably why I am annoyed by the situation. I’m having another surgery soon and we have no family help out here so I feel like im putting a lot on my husband and he doesn’t understand the situation with my brother but it’s causing me a lot of stress. I’ve text my brother saying we can’t do central London but can we meet halfway or at Heathrow the night before we fly out and we will change our plans accordingly. My brother hasn’t seen me since my accident and so I don’t think he realises things are harder for me now. Getting the tube with 2 kids isn’t something I could manage as easily as I would have before. My mum is going to gently speak to him too and check everything is ok with him and his wife and that it is just that they want to fly in and out. I know my grandparents can be a bit testy in their old age so if anything it may be that. Not being home for years does mean I don’t always know the little ins and ours of what’s gone on with everyone.

I get you OP. Similar situation but we don't live in either mine or my husbands country - we didn't emigrate by choice, it was jobs and in an ideal world we wouldn't live where we do - and our fanilies know that. We make all the effort going back to visit both sides of family - the money, the time off work, the delicate planning to see everyone enough, not upset anyone, also enjoy ourselves & not return to work exhausted because both trips require long flights and big drives in hire cars . I will say though that in this situation we are the 40's childfree couple who tend to get treated like we have endless time/money/drive to do stuff & very little appreciation of the effort we do put in to keep the family relationships going. So - while it sucks, I feel your pain & i'd too be hurt by your brother changing his mind after you have tried your best to plan/accomodate, he is still making an effort so try meet him halfway.

Exactly. This is the brother version of He’s just not that into you.

I think in theory he thought staying in a cottage with parents, grandparents and jet lagged kids would be fun- but on further consideration thought it might be a lot!

I love kids but found my in-laws with their grandchildren very wearing after a short time. They're child free by choice- so maybe being cooped up with extended family isn't appealing. That doesn't mean they don't love you or your children.

It sounds like travelling to a decent hotel in or around Heathrow and meeting your brother there is an elegant solution. Just ask reception to store your luggage- they may well give you an early check in anyway. Good luck.

It’s important to recognise when you don’t see your family, for whatever reason, the relationship will be impacted, you can’t expect them to see you as a priority. As the years go by, the gulf becomes wider and wider. You lose connection.

You have chosen to live on the other side of the world, and one of the downsides of that will be that you become an irrelevance. Your children will be strangers in their own family, so of course there is no real lasting bond. You have CHOSEN this for yourself oo, they didn’t have the choice and have had to adapt and adjust.

Your family are not so important to you, and that’s okay but you can’t then expect them to drop everything.

I already said why. Because it will be the last time seeing my grandfather and I was hoping to see him for as long as possible. We will change plans for my brother to a certain extent but I don’t plan on leaving before my grandad is awake and we get to spend the morning with him. I likely won’t ever see him again.

Have you out right said to him what’s the real issue? And can you please compromise because you’re upsetting me?

This is why I wouldn’t move to Australia though, frantic visits every 3-4 years (as it’s expensive) just isn’t enough for my close relationships.

I suspect your brother and his wife can't face the thought of spending days trapped in a holiday cottage, hearing all about your medical issues and having to pander to your jet-lagged children.

It's easy to say you 'love' people's children over a video call when you're thousands of miles away and don't have to put up with the reality of them!

Take pity on the bloke and meet him the night before you fly home. When he says he 'doesn't want to' come to the holiday let, that's probably the simple truth.

It makes sense to meet him on the afternoon that you go to your Heathrow hotel on the way home. What is complicated about that. A few hours earlier leaving the holiday let is neither here nor there.

Or meet him on the way in, then theres no rush to get to the holiday let, meet him for a meal at Heathrow on arrival

I also dont understand why you quibbled with posters suggesting you meet him at Heathrow on the return home, by saying you would then have to leave the holiday let a day earlier and pay for a hotel, when it turns out your'e doing that anyway? It makes me think you're just arguing against any suggestion for arguments sake.

I advise you not to pressure him, or get your mother to do so. That’s manipulative, and very poor advice.

Again another mean comment about living abroad! I wish people would read the thread. We moved for my husbands work. My family are extremely important to me. This made me cry because my family are very very important hence us paying to come over and visit them. It’s hard living abroad. My husband had to move for his career and I chose to stay married and for my children to have a Dad. I miss my family every day. They love my children a lot. Living overseas doesn’t mean you don’t care.