Do I mention gf's lack of condolences?

[Amoamasamat]

Ds (late 20's) has been living with his gf 'Grace' for more than a year now on the other side of the country. We've only had the chance to meet Grace once (due to logistics, busy lives etc) when Ds brought her to stay to attend a family celebration held by his grandparents. She came, was welcomed, met the whole family including grandparents and was lovely if perhaps a little shy and awkward - fair enough. We ask after her every time we chat with ds on the phone and pass on messages like congratulations for events in her life that he tells us about.

2 months ago my dad, ds's grandad died suddenly. Ds has been involved closely with the grief, the funeral planning etc. We've been showered with kindness and condolences from friends and family but we haven't heard a single peep from Grace - no card, or message to say she's sorry. Of course, it's perfectly possible that Grace has said to ds 'please tell your family how sorry I am' and he's has failed to pass on the message (he can also be fairly socially awkward) but I'm slightly surprised and a little hurt that between the two of them they haven't managed to pass on any condolence message at all.

Would I be unreasonable to ask ds why Grace has said nothing?

I'm worried if I do ask, ds will either take it as a criticism of him for failing to pass on the message (it would be!) or of Grace for not sending a message (and I absolutely do not want to sour a relationship with her). But if I don't ask him I will hold on to this minor resentment against Grace perhaps unfairly and/or ds will learn nothing about needing a bit of awareness where feelings and emotions are involved.

I’m reminded of the Mickey Flanagan quip - ”How’s sue?” How should I know, I didn’t even ask Garry how he was…
I expect she’s expecting your son to have passed on condolences and he hasn’t, thats just how men think mostly.

This. My parents didn't pass on to us a lot of social "rules" (be polite and grateful just about encapsulates it) and I had to learn these as I grew through adulthood - it's entirely possible that Grace just doesn't know social etiquette around bereavement yet.

I really wouldn't pick this out as a hill to die on with a young woman who is important to your son.

Don't you think she would have given her condolences to your son? Please don't bring it up to either of them.

At this very early stage of their relationship her bond is with your son not you. She barely knows you. Hopefully she is giving your son all the support he needs.

My mum died last year. Both my adult DC were living with partners at the time. Neither partner sent me formal or informal condolences and I didn't expect it, anymore than I expected it from my children. We were all in it together.

I was wondering that, too.

Addressing the people who think that maybe she's young and doesn't know she should give condolences, it seems to me that if she's old enough to date, she's certainly old enough to know that reaching out to your bf's mother following such a big loss is within reasonable levels of decency.

Do young people ‘enjoy the hospitality’ of the people who they are datings grandparents or do they just go because they care about their boyfriend and it’s just something that you do. If anything, she was doing the favour in that circumstance.

You should not mention this to your son, that you think his girlfriend should have contacted you. She is his person for support, not yours.

I agree with this.

Poor girl being set up to fail in this family.

I think she will probably just be more focused on her actual boyfriend than his mum. It's not so much that she didn't know the grandad, she doesn't know the mum.

Her sympathy is implicit.
Don’t create drama out of nothing, especially in such difficult and sad circumstances. You will damage your relationship with both your DS and Grace.

YABU. In the gentlest way, you aren't close enough emotionally to her for her to think about your loss, you've met her once. I wouldn't send condolences to someone I didn't know very well.

You mention she was 'shy and awkward' the one time you met her. I know when I was that age I would have been far too shy and awkward to be able to contact someone I barely knew to give condolences.

Also, for many young people, death and loss are simply unimaginable, so much so that they don't have the capacity or awareness for it. (I learned this painfully through lack of support from peers through bereavements at that age.)

On top of this, most people assume the bereaved want to be left alone, especially by those they don't know well, and they stay sildnt out of consideration and respect (albeit misguided).

This doesn't mean she doesn't care, and it's more than likely she's supporting your son. It's just that shyness and the distance of loss itself mean she might simply not think you'd want to hear from her. Please don't hold it against her – I'm sure she'd be very upset to hear she'd hurt or offended you.

I noticed this too. You say you 'will hold on to this' as though it's the only possible way you could behave. You might perhaps practice a little flexibility in the range of emotions you allow yourself.

I’m sorry for your loss op.
As someone who has dealt with lots of loss and grief, I always make a point of acknowledging the death of someone. Saying she doesn’t know what to say is a bit of a cop out. If you don’t know what to say just say ‘I’m thinking of you’. It doesn’t have to be deep and meaningful, just an acknowledgment of the loss is enough. 💐

Oh behave.

This kind of entitlement is really strange.

This poor girl has only met the OP once. And it seems the OP didn’t warm to her anyway as she describes her as “a little shy and awkward”

All ‘Grace’ needs to do is be there for her partner. She doesn’t need to be sending text messages of condolence to her boyfriends mother who’s she only met once.

It’s sad circumstances but the OP should be able to navigate her grief without a text message from her sons girlfriend who she hardly knows. Christ.

She will have acknowledged it to her actual boyfriend though. Not his mother who she has met once.

How far does it go? If your friends mother dies, do you contact your friends siblings or your friends dad who you met once? Your friends children who you met once? Do you contact her husband who you met once? You could be contacting fifteen people who you have met once.

I wouldn't expect her to say anything. She had probably been supporting your son and told him how sorry she is but I don't think you should expect her to contact you it doesn't mean she is a horrible person.

You're being "that" MIL and looking for issues where there are none.

She'll see DS as the person she needs to console, not you. Maybe she's a little bit socially unaware and doesn't appreciate that a card or message might be appropriate, but it's certainly not worth "mentioning".

When I lost my husband, I very much appreciated the condolence cards and letters that I received. What didn't occur to me was to check who'd sent one and who didn't, never mind judge anyone. As for the OP 'holding on' to this...
Good grief. No pun intended, but seriously, that's entirely unreasonable.

I'm sorry for your loss Amoamasamat 💐

I don't think it's a good idea to confront either your DS or his girlfriend about her not contacting you directly to offer her condolences to you.

Emotions will be running high enough as it is and grief is complicated. Your DS girlfriend is hopefully helping support your DS at this difficult time.

If your DS girlfriend wishes to offer her condolences to you directly, she has the choice. She may or may not want to but it's not for you to decide that for her.

I don't think any social etiquette demands you send a card or a message in circumstances like this.

Well, except she doesn't have to have anything to do with that family, and might well not have any interest in being "in" it.

No. I wouldn't expect a message from a girlfriend I hardly know.
I'm sure you have other things to think about, OP - this is not worth another second of your time.

First, I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my own mother last year suddenly and it's rough, the suddenness makes it harder, I think.

Second, I see what you're doing here and it's a bad idea. You have decided how people are supposed to act and the reality is that everyone handles things differently, especially when it comes to death. Just because your circle of friends and family does things one way doesn't mean other circles are the same.

She has probably been more than supportive of your son and offered him a great deal of comfort that he can't get from another source. You should be grateful your son is receiving love and comfort from another person in this world and stop nitpicking.

This has nailed it I think. She is fulfilling the role of supporting your son, he is her immediate concern. Has the funeral been? Was she there? That would be the point at which she would offer you her condolences, but even then, I don’t get why you are keeping score. You’ve met her once and to be honest how would she even know what to write in a card? Presumably also met the grandparent once. Do you think you’re a bit grief-fogged and looking for fault?