Do I mention gf's lack of condolences?

[Amoamasamat]

Ds (late 20's) has been living with his gf 'Grace' for more than a year now on the other side of the country. We've only had the chance to meet Grace once (due to logistics, busy lives etc) when Ds brought her to stay to attend a family celebration held by his grandparents. She came, was welcomed, met the whole family including grandparents and was lovely if perhaps a little shy and awkward - fair enough. We ask after her every time we chat with ds on the phone and pass on messages like congratulations for events in her life that he tells us about.

2 months ago my dad, ds's grandad died suddenly. Ds has been involved closely with the grief, the funeral planning etc. We've been showered with kindness and condolences from friends and family but we haven't heard a single peep from Grace - no card, or message to say she's sorry. Of course, it's perfectly possible that Grace has said to ds 'please tell your family how sorry I am' and he's has failed to pass on the message (he can also be fairly socially awkward) but I'm slightly surprised and a little hurt that between the two of them they haven't managed to pass on any condolence message at all.

Would I be unreasonable to ask ds why Grace has said nothing?

I'm worried if I do ask, ds will either take it as a criticism of him for failing to pass on the message (it would be!) or of Grace for not sending a message (and I absolutely do not want to sour a relationship with her). But if I don't ask him I will hold on to this minor resentment against Grace perhaps unfairly and/or ds will learn nothing about needing a bit of awareness where feelings and emotions are involved.

You don’t say anything. You’re being weird.

YABU

sorry for your loss but you’re barking up the wrong tree entirely here. She will have given your son support in his grief and that is entirely appropriate. Let it go.

YABU

im sure she is supporting your son and like you say he may have forgotten to pass a message on.

Why are you focusing on this? You sound like you are picking on her.

Grace will be supporting her boyfriend who lost his grandparent. You have your friends sending condolences. I don’t think I’d expect a card or message from a sort of in-law I hardly know.

I mean this kindly but is this the first big death your family has had?

You seem focused on her as a way to cope. Directing your grief towards her.

You are having an incredibly unfair expectation.

Are you feeling supported by family and friends?

Presumably she has offered condolences to your son who has lost his grandad and with whom she has a relationship. I think saying you are going to hold on to resentment towards her is really unfair.

Why would Grace pass on condolences to anyone but your ds ( which I'm sure she probably did). It would be weird to pass on condolences to you, she doesn't know you. And why would you want her to. I think you're angry at the wrong person!

My AIBU is really not whether Grace should or shouldn't say something but whether to ask ds if she had. I hear you saying loud and clear I shouldn't.

But I'm genuinely relieved to hear I'm being weird
Thank you for the condolences here (not ironically!)

I suppose I want to know if it's ds who needs a bit of a nudge.
He doesn't. Grace doesn't and neither does your son. Let it go.

This.

Really strange behaviour, OP

She's only met you once! She probably has no idea you're even thinking about her at a time like this?

She will be supporting her boyfriend - she doesn't have a relationship with his family.

But why… why do you want/need to know who is at “fault”?! Why would your DS need a nudge? Neither of them are at fault! They are behaving like normal 20 year olds.

I posted too soon.

@Amoamasamat your son is grieving in his own right as an adult. He’s allowed to receive condolences and support without passing them on to you.

I’m sure this has been a very tough time for you (and I am sorry for your loss). and I’m a firm believer that grief makes you focus on anything else but what you are actually grieving from. So it’s understandable to get fixated on something utterly irrelevant because it’s safe. But please don’t let these temporary bonkers feelings create permanent problems in important relationships.

Why are you so bothered about what Grace feels or has said? You don't know her?

She’s young, she may not know that condolences are a ‘thing’. No doubt she is supporting your DS. Asking him about this will only cause anxiety.

I wouldn't expect her to reach out independently of him and offer condolences or send cards etc. she's with him every day, supporting him through his grief on a practical level. She will almost certainly have asked him what he wants her to do to be supportive and she's clearly doing it. She doesn't know you very well at all so her role is helping him, not you.

I'm so sorry for your loss op.

I do agree yabu to expect this of her - her role in this is to be as good a support to your son as possible. If she comes to the funeral she may pass on condolences then in person. I don't think anything else is needed given how little contact she has actually had with you.

In terms of your ds needing a nudge, I think again, it's a bit unreasonable- obviously you are going through the grief of losing a parent which is incredibly difficult and there's no one right way to do that. But equally, your ds is going through the grief of losing a grandparent - there's no one right way to do that either and nudging him at this time would be unfair to him., especially when he's been involved in helping you sort and plan things. I would imagine that in this instance their condolence is implied by the actions your ds has taken and grace in supporting him to do those actions, but you're just in pain and I think you can be forgiven for looking for a place to put that even subconsciously.

You’ve only met her once and you don’t talk or keep in touch. She doesn’t know you, you don’t know her and she definitely doesn’t know your father. If you ask your son about it, he will think you are looking for reasons to criticise her. And he will be right. Let this go and invest your energy in getting to know this girl in case she becomes part of your family.

Sorry OP I understand you’re grieving but if you keep up this thought process you’re at risk of setting yourself up as the MIL from hell.

No way on earth would I expect a young woman who I’ve met once to send condolences anout about a family death. It’s a ridiculous expectation. .

Shes most likely given her sympathy on the death of her partners grandfather to her partner. Why would she then contact you?

I'm so very sorry for your loss - you must, understandably, he feeling extremely upset and processing the loss of your father. I won't pretend to know what that's like, although we were on the cusp of losing mine last year and I was a whirlwind of emotions then.

However, I do think you're being unreasonable to be focussing on this. So long as she provided support and a listening ear to your son, I don't think you can continue with your current thought processes regarding Grace. Regardless of whether or not she passed on her condolences via your son and he didn't say so, raising this with either of them really is not an option - unless you're happy to fracture your relationship with them. My now husband lost his mother after we'd been together a year. I concentrated on supporting him then, and continue to support my FIL in any way possible now. Some platitudes written on a card would have made no difference to him then, but knowing his son was supported and looked after gave him one less thing to worry about (his words). All I can suggest is giving your son and his partner the benefit of the doubt and focus on your family unit as a whole.

Good manners. What’s happened to them?

Thank you. This is a very kind message and sums up I think what everyone is unanimously telling me.

I promise you all I'm not fixated on this, more just a slight surprise and wondering if ds has been a bit male uncommunicative. Grace and I spent a lot of time chatting one to one when she stayed and I thought had formed the start of a pretty good relationship. I hope so.

Thanks to everyone.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I think your grief is affecting your reaction here. Give it time.

Just wondering if everyone you know has personally passed on their condolences and will you fret about them too?