Do I mention gf's lack of condolences?

[Amoamasamat]

Ds (late 20's) has been living with his gf 'Grace' for more than a year now on the other side of the country. We've only had the chance to meet Grace once (due to logistics, busy lives etc) when Ds brought her to stay to attend a family celebration held by his grandparents. She came, was welcomed, met the whole family including grandparents and was lovely if perhaps a little shy and awkward - fair enough. We ask after her every time we chat with ds on the phone and pass on messages like congratulations for events in her life that he tells us about.

2 months ago my dad, ds's grandad died suddenly. Ds has been involved closely with the grief, the funeral planning etc. We've been showered with kindness and condolences from friends and family but we haven't heard a single peep from Grace - no card, or message to say she's sorry. Of course, it's perfectly possible that Grace has said to ds 'please tell your family how sorry I am' and he's has failed to pass on the message (he can also be fairly socially awkward) but I'm slightly surprised and a little hurt that between the two of them they haven't managed to pass on any condolence message at all.

Would I be unreasonable to ask ds why Grace has said nothing?

I'm worried if I do ask, ds will either take it as a criticism of him for failing to pass on the message (it would be!) or of Grace for not sending a message (and I absolutely do not want to sour a relationship with her). But if I don't ask him I will hold on to this minor resentment against Grace perhaps unfairly and/or ds will learn nothing about needing a bit of awareness where feelings and emotions are involved.

Curious about your cultural background and if it's different to Grace.

I absolutely would expect personal condolences from Grace in this circumstance. A call, a text, a card, a message via ds or a note on rip.ie. In Ireland, that's the cultural norm. But in Ireland this would never really happen. Grace would meet you in-person within days (during the funeral) before you realised she didn't send condolences. And as a partner of a family member, Grace would be an important part of the tea and sandwich making team, so it just wouldn't be an issue.

From the responses here, it's clear that not everyone has the same expectation. Your 'norm' may differ to Grace's

Mentioning something to your son would do more harm than good.

Bonkers.

Seems like an unhealthy fixation on trying to find out who to blame. Just move on in your life.

YABVU. As you said she may have told your DS something. Depending where she's from her cultural norms may also be different.

With due respect it sounds as though you are blaming her for your son’s behaviour in this regard. It is his responsibility to express condolences etc. not hers.

Would I be unreasonable to ask ds why Grace has said nothing?

Yes. Highly unreasonable. This is ludicrous.

Please don’t do this.

I’m sorry for your loss but grief is no excuse to try and start drama.

I think it’s pretty normal to not pass messages like that on but also wouldn’t find it strange or rude for her not to have said anything at all. As long as she is being supportive to your son, that’s what matters.

Fuck me…this is such a non-issue.

basically you don’t like her and so you are finding a reason to justify it.

YABU. In fact ridiculous. Not everyone sets such store by that sort of thing as you obviously do. She probably sees herself and your son as one unit and assumes that you know she is sorry and is supporting your son, In addition, she is young and may well feel awkward about knowing what to say in a situation like this.

If you and she met and she spent the whole time ignoring the subject and talking about herself, you might have a point. As it is, you don’t.

Be careful - you are in danger of sounding as if you are casting around for something to hold against her, and damaging your relationship with her and with your son.

I'm sorry for your loss @Amoamasamat

This is the start of a new reality. Your son and his partner (whether this one is a long term one, or if it's another one down the road) may not 'behave' or be who you expect or hope them to be. The only choice is to shift your expectations. The more you give a talking to, 'nudge', telling off (even if you do it gently it may not be perceived in any way except criticism) the more you risk alienating them, pushing them together and/or making you seem unaccepting of her, even if that isn't the case and you are just hurt.

I'm not suggesting you can never express your needs or feelings but I'd keep it less emotionally charged topics and perhaps when you have more skin in the game in your relationship. She's met you once and while I do think it would have been nice if she reached out, you can't change that she didn't.

Try to get to know her a bit more when you can. Ask your son if he has the support he needs. Maybe he will tell you she's been brilliant in supporting him with his grief, which really is what really matters.

This feels raw right now for good reason. Just don't let this be a sticking point.

Once again, sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
However, you have met her only once and that was because she travelled to you. So it’s not like you’ve gone out of your way to get to know her.
Yes, she should have passed on her condolences. Of course she should. But relationships are formed by seeing people and you haven’t made much effort there.
Sorry.

Sorry to hear about your loss but in a similar position last year I never once even expected my brother's wives who I havent met that much and who lives far away so never see them much to have sent condolences. Yes they came to funeral etc but as far as I'm concerned who did or didn't did not bother me at all. I've got bigger things to use the brain cells on 😀

She’d get them from the boyfriend, obviously!

This I'm afraid. I get your point but she just may not feel it is her role, or culturally it's not something she would do or she's just young and has no experience of the same funeral etiquette as you do ? Just let it go.

Young people often don’t think. That said, my son’s gf sent me a text when my friend died recently to say she was sorry to hear etc. But I really wouldn’t say anything, don’t sour relations over this.

I think she should but as she is shy and awkward it would’ve been fine to ask your son to pass on a message. I’m much older and I still have to give a lot of thought to phrasing condolences. As you say, he may have forgotten to do that. Perhaps he isn’t even aware that condolences are exchanged between close family members. They aren’t in my family. We express our sympathy and loss in other ways.

Is that what has upset you, that they haven’t acknowledged that you have lost your father?

He seems to be taking responsibility, being supportive and showing his love for his grandfather in other ways so maybe let it go and don’t hang on to hard feelings. Maybe after some time has passed you could have a conversation with him about etiquette around death. It’s something we all should know but it’s rarely talked about

No I wouldn't say anything. Grace is likely to be in your life for many years to come and this will jade the relationship if you say anything.

Harsh. Op has just lost her dad.

I agree with a PP who said she probably feels it presumptive given she’s only meet you once and it’s your father.

It takes time and experience to realise that sending a card or message is a support in these situations, not an intrusion.

YABU.

Are you continually looking for reasons not to like her, or is it just because you're currently out of sorts due to experiencing a loss?

Your son has been living with his gf for over a year and you have only met her once at an occasion not organised by you or your son. It doesn’t sound like you are really in a position to be picky about her etiquette.

I’m sorry for your loss but criticising her will just push your son away and won’t make you feel better.

Sorry for your loss OP. I also think YABU.

Grace may well have said sorry/condolences to your son, her bf. She may or may not have asked him to pass condolences on to you, we don't know. Young people especially don't send cards these days, so I wouldn't have expected that. You've also said your son is a bit socially awkward and Grace is shy, so that could be why neither has said anything directly to you. It's much harder with condolences because people don't know what to say, or don't want to risk upsetting the bereaved further than they already are. I'd let this go.

Is your DS planning to bring Grace to the funeral? It's possible she may say something when she sees you f2f.

I can't remember a single condolence from my father's death. I certainly wasn't keeping tabs on them. I'm sure if she sees you in person she will do the expected.

My mum died when I was in my late 20s and one of my best friends was pretty crap. I am almost certain this was just because at that point, she'd never lost anyone in her immediate circleas an adult and simply didn't know how to act/what to do. Now she has (sadly) been in that situation herself, it's a completely different story. It might be similar for "Grace". It seems obvious ro offer condolences if you've been there and had them offered to you - she might not even know its the done thing at her age... she could well be living it alone thinking that's more polite / respectful.