Do I mention gf's lack of condolences?

[Amoamasamat]

Ds (late 20's) has been living with his gf 'Grace' for more than a year now on the other side of the country. We've only had the chance to meet Grace once (due to logistics, busy lives etc) when Ds brought her to stay to attend a family celebration held by his grandparents. She came, was welcomed, met the whole family including grandparents and was lovely if perhaps a little shy and awkward - fair enough. We ask after her every time we chat with ds on the phone and pass on messages like congratulations for events in her life that he tells us about.

2 months ago my dad, ds's grandad died suddenly. Ds has been involved closely with the grief, the funeral planning etc. We've been showered with kindness and condolences from friends and family but we haven't heard a single peep from Grace - no card, or message to say she's sorry. Of course, it's perfectly possible that Grace has said to ds 'please tell your family how sorry I am' and he's has failed to pass on the message (he can also be fairly socially awkward) but I'm slightly surprised and a little hurt that between the two of them they haven't managed to pass on any condolence message at all.

Would I be unreasonable to ask ds why Grace has said nothing?

I'm worried if I do ask, ds will either take it as a criticism of him for failing to pass on the message (it would be!) or of Grace for not sending a message (and I absolutely do not want to sour a relationship with her). But if I don't ask him I will hold on to this minor resentment against Grace perhaps unfairly and/or ds will learn nothing about needing a bit of awareness where feelings and emotions are involved.

But if I don't ask him I will hold on to this minor resentment against Grace perhaps unfairly

Or, you could just not resent someone you barely know over something that in the grand scheme of things, isn’t really that important. You could choose not to hold a grudge. I would definitely go with that option.

I am sorry for your loss. Genuinely.

Sorry for your loss but glad you can see you’re being ridiculous. She’s a stranger.

Bit weird you should be looking for this

I’d only expect this from a long established wife of many years not a v young gf you met once

I agree with others here, YABU. She is a bit removed from you and has only met you once. You even said she seemed shy so it'll be unlikely someone more reserved would reach out directly. Her role is to support her partner. I think you might be projecting your grief onto this situation as a way of trying to feel in control? Sorry for your loss OP.

Gently, YABU. You’ve met once and don’t have a relationship outside your DS and one friendly chat at a family event.

If they had been going out some time and your relationship had with her was deeper, to the extent you would text / speak to each other without DS, then absolutely it would be fair to expect her to contact you. Would you call her on her birthday / send a card, or would it be DS’s role to pass on your greetings at the moment?

In this circumstance her role is to support DS, as long as she is being kind to him then that should be enough.

Is she same culture as you ?

maybe where she live / where they are living there are different ways of expressing condolences?

This. Are you a huge believer in 'wife work' op?
I'd be advising Grace to run, as if you're blaming her for this, when you don't even know what's been done/said, and it's likely to be your son's 'fault' as you put it, can't imagine how she'll ever do anything right in the future!

Yabu. She will have expressed her condolences/ sadness / fondness for grandad / etc. to your son for HIS loss. Of course she shouldn't be expected to contact you!

You are overthinking massively. She is supporting your son and has only met the family one time. I'm sure if she saw you in person she would offer her condolences. I'm not sure why youre focusing so much on this but grief does play with your mind and emotions. I'm very sorry for your loss but condolences won't make this any easier on you unfortunately.

Sorry for your less but gently: You’ve met her once. She’s presumably comforted your son. She’s socially awkward, as is your son & of an age when many people have been fortunate enough not to have experienced death so will likely have no idea what is usual. TBH I am a lot older and have experienced death and I don’t think I would necessarily be sending separate direct condolences in this situation - it would depend on our relationships I think it’s strange you expect condolences from her.

awkward) but I'm slightly surprised and a little hurt that between the two of them they haven't managed to pass on any condolence message at all.

should they? Your DS is also struggling with loss and has been closely involved with planning the funeral.
He is (part of) the grieving party and therefore shouldn’t be expected to condole. She is supporting him. Isn’t that enough?

Ds has been involved closely with the grief, the funeral planning etc. and she surely supported him. just as your DH hopefully supported you.

This is a weird thing to get hung up over. She will have said something to your son.

I am sorry for your loss. She met your dad once and you say she seems shy and awkward I wouldn't be expecting or resenting anyone in those circumstances to pass on condolences.
Kindly you are making a drama where there is none everyone responds to death differently maybe she hasn't lost anyone before and doesn't know societal norms around death

I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is so hard and, despite how we all know it will happen, it can feel shattering and really unfair. I'd also say that until you've experienced loss yourself you really don't know how awful it is. Being young I wonder if she just didn't know how to say anything or even appreciate that she should say something to you. Such a hard thing to navigate and understand. Let it go. The most important thing is that she is loving your son during this sad time.

This

It’s an age thing. Young people do not really do cards and I assume she is not in regular contact with you by text? Therefore she and you DS would have assumed that when he is involved this comes from both of them. I assume she will attend the funeral and you can catch up then? You do seem a little over focused on her. Do you have other concerns?

What did you do when your DH’s grandparents died?
I was in my 20’s, married to DH and living 150 miles away when his grandmother died. I can’t remember sending specific condolences to his mum. I suppose I thought he would pass them on.

My mum has known my parents in law since 1997. When my mil died, she didn’t get in touch with my fil to offer her condolences and my husband ended up asking me to ask her to ring him. That’s really poor and off behaviour, what you are describing is not. As others have said looks like you don’t like her. She’s not your friend , I’m not sure why you’d expect it.

You admit that you don't know if she has, though!

YWBU to bring this up, honestly.

I was asked to offer my condolences following the death of my FIL, I was asked via my DH as a direct request from MIL.
I had been married for 15 years had 3 DC with husband, had been to every hospital appointment with FIL, was there at his beside when he passed. Stayed with MIL for a week following, supporting at appointments.
Supported DH and DC for many years after, including a breakdown from DH.
Other DIL was not asked for condolences, accepted as a member of the family.
It was very clear at this point I am not, the relationship between MIL and me will never recover from it.
So pick your hill to die on.

They are so close that they live together. She is not a separate enough entity from him to go passing on polite condolences like a friend, neighbour or someone more distant from him would. She is supporting him from right inside their household and relationship (hopefully).

Has your husband/partner formally given you a message of confolence?

You really sound as if you've taken against her. I wonder why you've only met her once. Maybe consider that more carefully. Maybe your DS is protecting her.

Think you are being too sensitive here. She is presumably supporting your son. You also mentioned she is shy, shy or socially anxious people sometimes hold back because they don’t want to get in the way or get it wrong (I know because I am one!)

You're grieving. And this nitpicking and looking for something wrong is your grief coming out. You need to recognise this.
Grace will be supporting your son, listening to him relaying what's going on. She'll be very involved - it won't occur to her to send a separate message because her sadness for you all will be something she's living.
Maybe she feels she knows you so little that a condolence message would seem a bit trite. And she's young.
It's early days. This young lady might be in your life a long time and support you in ways you can't imagine now.
She's not being rude, she's not deliberately not caring, she's not treating you badly at a time when you're so vulnerable.
Please recognise your grief. I'm not saying what you feel isn't real but it's a symptom. You're subconsciously looking for something to be angry about. Do the anger, let it out but not at her.