Do I mention gf's lack of condolences?

[Amoamasamat]

Ds (late 20's) has been living with his gf 'Grace' for more than a year now on the other side of the country. We've only had the chance to meet Grace once (due to logistics, busy lives etc) when Ds brought her to stay to attend a family celebration held by his grandparents. She came, was welcomed, met the whole family including grandparents and was lovely if perhaps a little shy and awkward - fair enough. We ask after her every time we chat with ds on the phone and pass on messages like congratulations for events in her life that he tells us about.

2 months ago my dad, ds's grandad died suddenly. Ds has been involved closely with the grief, the funeral planning etc. We've been showered with kindness and condolences from friends and family but we haven't heard a single peep from Grace - no card, or message to say she's sorry. Of course, it's perfectly possible that Grace has said to ds 'please tell your family how sorry I am' and he's has failed to pass on the message (he can also be fairly socially awkward) but I'm slightly surprised and a little hurt that between the two of them they haven't managed to pass on any condolence message at all.

Would I be unreasonable to ask ds why Grace has said nothing?

I'm worried if I do ask, ds will either take it as a criticism of him for failing to pass on the message (it would be!) or of Grace for not sending a message (and I absolutely do not want to sour a relationship with her). But if I don't ask him I will hold on to this minor resentment against Grace perhaps unfairly and/or ds will learn nothing about needing a bit of awareness where feelings and emotions are involved.

I think grief does some strange things to us @Amoamasamat. I’m really sorry for your loss.

Grace doesn’t know you. I didn’t reach out independently to my now MIL either when her mum passed away. I supported my boyfriend (of 2 years) and I frequently asked him how everyone was coping whenever he’d been with his family.

I didn’t have a relationship with MIL at that time - I’d met her and the rest of the immediate family once (the grandparents twice) and felt like if I’d contacted her then she’d have felt duty bound to have to respond because of who I was and I didn’t really feel it was the time for us to get to know each other and didn’t want to put that on her when she had enough going on.

I went to the funeral (boyfriend wanted me there so I asked him to make sure his mum and grandad were ok with that as it was a small service for immediate family and close friends only) and I passed on my condolences there in person.

You hardly know her to be honest and her you. It’s an outdated idea to think young people send condolence cards or whatever.
An old person passed away who she barely knew, and she doesn’t owe you anything at all. That’s the reality.

It sounds like you've probably hit the irrational anger stage of grief. It made me furious with my dad that he hadn't lost his mum and I had, even though he had lost his wife and his mum was my fabulous nan, who was one of my favorite people ever. It didn't make sense in the slightest, but grief doesn't always make sense.
Grace is not in the wrong for not offering condolences to people she's met once. Presumably she is doing the right thing in these circumstances though and supporting her partner in his grief. Your son also hasn't done anything wrong if he's forgotten to pass on a message from her while he is grieving. Don't say anything about it to either of them as I think you'll massively regret it as you move onto the next phases of grieving.

Don't create drama just for the sake of it...

She only met you and your family once. It is likely she just told your son to pass on her condolences.

I struggled finding the right words, the right time and way to send them when my close friends have lost loved ones. I always get tied up in knots thinking about how they probably have enough on their plates without responding to me, but also want to be there for them. She probably doesn’t feel part of the family enough to insert herself into your time of grief. Don’t judge her on this, and don’t ask your son about it. Let it go, get to know her more when the time is right to.
I’m so sorry for your loss xxx

I'm going against the grain here and I would have sent a condolence card if I were Grace. She's been in a relationship with your ds for a year and it has the potential to develop into a long term one. I think she should have sent a brief condolence message acknowledging that you've lost your dad, it's a basic human courtesy.

She doesn't have to know you very well to say or text 'I'm sorry to hear your dad, Ben's grandad, has passed away. Best wishes Grace. Especially as she has stayed over and met you once before, so although you're not close, you're not total strangers either.

If I was Grace, I would have made sure my boyfriend was ok but I wouldn't pass anything on to you. I would wait until I saw you.

My husband knows and likes my parents but doesn't text or ring them. When my grandparents died he spoke to my parents at the funeral. It would have been really weird for him to ring my parents directly upon hearing from me that my grandparents passed.

Did or would your partner ring your parents or ask you to tell your parents "sorry for their loss" when/if your grandparents died?

But DS is a part of that family? I don’t think in situations like this someone needs to offer their condolences to the family if they’re a partner of a member of that family. It’d be different if she was a friend or flatmate etc but she’s his girlfriend, they live together and have been together a while, she’s an extended part of that family, her role in this is supporting your DS as his partner.

Edited to add, I would probably expect her to say something at the funeral or when she next sees you, rather than send a message. I would find that too formal given that’s she’s your sons partner of over a year.

Leave her alone. You're just looking for somewhere to stick a knife.

Agree, she was probably focusing on supporting your son….I would let it go, there is no point in saying it now

Sorry for your loss OP

Sorry for your loss OP but in the kindest way possible, this is a totally unreasonable and irrational response.
be kind to this young woman; she will be supporting your DS in his grief.

Sorry for your loss op.

I don't think that there is a right answer here. Some people in her position would have sent something and some would not. So on balance I don't think that she has done wrong, and I also think that you should not mention it to your son.

She could be in his life for many years and in yours too. It sounds like she is reserved but that you had the beginnings of a lovely relationship. Please don't spoil it by saying anything to either of them.

In Grace’s shoes, I would have sent condolences directly to you / DH, but I agree you shouldn’t say anything.

You can take your cue from her though, I wouldn’t be going out of my way to send her cards or flowers if anything happens in her family. Let DS take care of it.

I think it’s too late to say anything now. But I absolutely believe she should have passed on condolences herself. She’s been your son’s girlfriend for over a year and lives with him. However, she’s still a stranger in your family (which I find odd), but like @ZepherinDrouhin says, it doesn’t take much to show some thought or empathy. Especially if this relationship could develop further.

Would she even have their contact details if she’s only met them once though?

From her perspective; her boyfriend’s Grandfather has died. Her role is to support HIM.

It would not really have occurred to me to contact a boyfriend’s mother whom I’d only met once in my life… I’m afraid it’s just due to the distance between you.
Im sure if they lived locally and saw you frequently she would have seen you in person and expressed her condolences. But as things stand, there just isn’t a relationship there… sorry. And so sorry for your loss.

Of course you don't mention it, I can't believe that you are even considering doing so! You've only met her once, and she is your son's GF not his wife. Leave the poor woman alone. I'm sorry for your loss, but you really are overthinking this.

I think her role here is to be sympathetic and supportive to her partner, ie your DS. I think it’s quite strange that you’re looking for something to criticise about her at a time like this. She barely knows you and it feels like you’re desperate to pick her up on something.

I'm sorry for your loss, but this is unfair. She doesn't know you and she didn't know your father. Her role is to support your son however he needs her to.

For the sake of your relationship with your son, let this go, otherwise it's the sort of thing that may come out down the line and cause a rift when he realises you held on to resentment for something so unreasonable.

I suppose I want to know if it's ds who needs a bit of a nudge.

Yes your son should be interacting with any condolences, messages for his family. I do hope I'm reading this wrong and that he has done so (assuming you have contact and healthy relationship even at a locational distance)

I would not expect condolences from a near stranger, separately or even together, if your worry is that you have nothing from your son.

I am sorry for your loss.

I agree. I’m very sorry that you’ve lost your father, but your son’s girlfriend is not really a part of this.

Grace barely knows you. She is close to your son, who lost his grandfather. Grace owes your DS words of condolence and acts of love and support, not you.
Hopefully Grace has been a comfort to your DS.

It would be different if she saw you in person, near to the time of the death. When she next sees you in persion, Grace, if comfortable to do so, might express how sorry it was that your father died. You are out of line to make this a big thing.

I would never expect formal condolence from my son in his instant either, as he is part of the inner family to whom condolences are sent.

I’m sorry for your loss, OP. When I had a major loss, I was stunned by how much it meant to me to have condolences, and by how disproportionately upset I was not to have them from people I’d have expected them from.

I think it’s part of grief - you are just SO raw and hurting, you’re more vulnerable to all sorts of minor hurts. And it feels like such a comfort to know you’re held in mind by the people who remain in your life.

But I didn’t know this at all before I lost someone. I often didn’t sent condolence cards because I didn’t know what to say, or worried I would seem presumptuous or overfamiliar.

I don’5 think you’re being weird about this, I think you’re hurting in a totally normal way. It’s just not about Grace.

I understand where you're coming from, I think.
When I lost my father I was hurting so much and I wanted everyone to acknowledge that he had been here and was now not here. I needed people to talk about him, talk about how sad it was he wasn't here.
And acknowledge how much I was hurting.

So this might be why you feel so insistent on receiving condolences in this way, however as others have said, with respect, I wouldn't expect anything from Grace or to be passed on from my son.

He doesn't need "nudging", he is grieving in his own way anyway.

I'm so sorry for your loss @Amoamasamat, it feels impossible right now but it does get easier 💐

I think it would be beneficial for Grace if you say something. She'll know what you're like right off the bat and be glad they're on the other side of the country.