Do I mention gf's lack of condolences?

[Amoamasamat]

Ds (late 20's) has been living with his gf 'Grace' for more than a year now on the other side of the country. We've only had the chance to meet Grace once (due to logistics, busy lives etc) when Ds brought her to stay to attend a family celebration held by his grandparents. She came, was welcomed, met the whole family including grandparents and was lovely if perhaps a little shy and awkward - fair enough. We ask after her every time we chat with ds on the phone and pass on messages like congratulations for events in her life that he tells us about.

2 months ago my dad, ds's grandad died suddenly. Ds has been involved closely with the grief, the funeral planning etc. We've been showered with kindness and condolences from friends and family but we haven't heard a single peep from Grace - no card, or message to say she's sorry. Of course, it's perfectly possible that Grace has said to ds 'please tell your family how sorry I am' and he's has failed to pass on the message (he can also be fairly socially awkward) but I'm slightly surprised and a little hurt that between the two of them they haven't managed to pass on any condolence message at all.

Would I be unreasonable to ask ds why Grace has said nothing?

I'm worried if I do ask, ds will either take it as a criticism of him for failing to pass on the message (it would be!) or of Grace for not sending a message (and I absolutely do not want to sour a relationship with her). But if I don't ask him I will hold on to this minor resentment against Grace perhaps unfairly and/or ds will learn nothing about needing a bit of awareness where feelings and emotions are involved.

Good Luck to poor Grace.

That age do not do cards, and id expect her to express condolences to her boyfriend not you as it’s his loss too.

I'm no longer young but also don't own a copy of any etiquette guide from the 1920s. This is mad. Who even sends cards these days? I'm at the age where the parents of really close friends are dropping like flies and never known anyone to send a card to anyone. It feels like you should have some other big things to worry about right now.

You presumably have a lot going on at the moment with your dad’s death, family comms and the associated admin. Why is this bothering you? Are you looking for problems?

Rather than spend your time counting cards and wondering who hasn’t contacted you, just focus on what needs to get done. I’m sure she’ll be expressing her condolences when she sees you next.

I don’t think I’d expect condolences from someone id met once - even if it is DS partner. I’d let it go op.

I know someone who made a similar fuss about his DSs GF not saying anything and it caused a bit of a rift.

I agree with pp and think your grief is affecting your thought process. We all make mistakes and misjudge - glad to see you’re taking all this on board and can move forward more positively.

And sorry for your loss, OP.

I've lost both of my parents and as long as my 'immediates' sent a card, I didn't give it the tiniest thought beyond that.

The condolence that meant the most was from someone I have never met but was the new gf of an ex. She sent a lovely card and letter saying something like 'Ex says your Mum was lovely but he's too lazy to send a card so I'm sending this from both of us and I'm sorry for your loss' with a couple of kisses.

Mum died in 1990 and I've never forgotten it. I wrote to her a month later to say how touched I was by her note.

But you said your son may have failed to pass the message on? Op, I truly don't know why you are focusing on this.

Presumably she's offered her condolences and support to your son. I wouldn't expect her to contact you as well.

I think it’s unusual that your son has lived with someone for a year and you’ve only met them once at a family party.

Some families do things differently. My dad died last year - my inlaws did not send a card to me, or my mum, or mention it at all. And I've been married to DH for over 20 years.

Her role is supporting your son, which she is probably doing. I'm sorry for your loss, but you're inventing a slight where there is none.

Did she attend the funeral if it was 2 months ago.
Perhaps she did say something to DS but he's forgotten.

I don’t think she’s done anything wrong. Unless you text or speak to her without your son then it would feel weird to contact someone in this occasion. I’m sure she’s offering your ds support.

You dint know she hasn't..but carry on kicking her around.

I hear where you're coming from. Unless someone has experienced a sad bereavement, you can not understand how hurtful it is if someone if your circle doesn't acknowledge this loss. She is your potential future daughter-in-law, and her her to ignore this loss comes across rude.
I think she's probably a bit clueless, and doesn't realise how her lack of actions comes across. You also said she's shy and awkward.
For her own sake, I would say something to your son, or to her directly when you see her. Not in an attacking way, but along the lines of...'I was sad you/your partner didn't offer condelences'. I think she may lack common sense skills and it may need to be pointed out.

This is really poor advice @BoundaryGirl3939 for the many reasons which pp have outlined.

I think YABU too, but understandably.

You're focusing on the lack of condolences but just consider how fortunate you and your son are that he has someone to lean on close to him in such a difficult time.

I'm also socially awkward too and I don't think I've ever offered condolences to people I've only met once or twice, and I would rather offer practical solutions to people I'm close with as I understand that when someone dies and hordes of people come to offer condolences it can feel like flogging a dead horse and just breeds further sadness and doesn't actually help them.

I think in my late 20s it would not in a million years have occurred to me to pass on condolences/ send a card formally in this situation. We tend to develop these instincts in our older years!

She barely knows you or grandad - I imagine with the callowness of youth she doesn't think it's a particularly big deal - an older person has passed away who she doesn't know.

I think your grief is focusing on this as a sort of projection of your own pain.

It depends really on what you want.

If you want your son's girlfriend to think you are some kind of unreasonable lunatic, then it's best you make a big deal of this.

If you want your son to think that you spend every waking minute planning ways to undermine his girlfriend, ask him if she gave him condolences to pass on.

If you'd like both of them to think you're a normal person, don't say anything.

Maybe you're right, I don't know. I come from a culture where a funeral/death is a big deal, and people make a point of personally giving condolences...even by text. So perhaps my opinion is screwed. Not offering condolences in my country can cause a rift.

I'm not sure if the funeral has taken place yet. That would be where condolences are offered so I'd wait it out OP. I'm sure she will show her face at least at that.

If I am reading correctly, you havent had condolences from your son either? Thats what I would find difficult. Dont think the girlfriend who met you once for a party is in a position where you should be this upset about her not sending a card. She would possibly signed a card sent by your son. Or even just added by her son.

I think this is a bit of a weird thing to focus on to be honest.

My Dad died earlier this year and my daughters boyfriend, who has been in the family for 6 years, and we have met socially many times, never reached out personally to offer condolences. Never sent a card (who even sends cards these days) or sent a personal message. I wouldn't expect him to. It never even crossed my mind or occurred to me that he should. I just knew that it was obvious and he supported our daughter through her own grief, which was enough.

Let this one go and put your focus elsewhere.

She’s met you guys once. The relationship with you isn’t as deep for her as you seem to expect I would say, I mean she doesn’t know you, she’s just in a relationship with your son.
definitely don’t say anything.
if you want to improve the relationship with her then try and instigate some more face to face to meet ups but bear in mind she’s completely reasonable to want to keep a distant relationship too

I don't think you should expect a personal message from his gf especially when you've only met her once. If you actually saw her in person then that's different.