AIBU about the is feedback on my catering?

[Eminencegreige]

At Easter we had two friends, people we've known for some years and met at other's houses, come to stay with us. They brought with them their young adult son.

They arrived on the Thursday at around 3pm and I offered them some home-made cake. I don't often make cake, but they'd had a long journey and it was Easter and so I baked. The father and son ate most of the cake between them and said how good it was. We had G+Ts and nibbles at 6pm and not long after 7pm I served a lasagne with a salad and some garlic bread on the side. The recipe said it fed 10 and there were five of us. DH and I took decent-sized portions and the three of them finished up the rest, including all the garlic bread. I wasn't sure whether they were fans of dessert, but I'd bought a lemon tart in case they were. DH and I shared a quarter of the lemon tart with with some strawberries and cream and our guests had a quarter each. After that I jokingly asked if anyone would like cheese and the father and son had cheese and biscuits. They were very complimentary about all the food, said how lovely it was, which was very kind of them, but it was a bit alarming seeing how much they ate.

Next morning for breakfast I offered fresh fruit, muesli and granola/ cereals and yoghurt. Jokingly, after the men had finished off large bowls and had seconds, I offered toast and eggs and they had the best part of a loaf between them, and two scrambled eggs each... And so it went on.

They seemed to love cake, so over the weekend I baked another two and they ate them. They had a big cooked breakfast each morning and seemed to love puddings, so I made a pudding each evening, and they poured huge amounts of cream and custard over them.

We had a lovely weekend and I enjoyed having them here, but the food situation felt very stressful. One evening they took us out to eat at a local gastro-pub and it was noticeable that they ate less there because there were fixed portions.

This weekend we had someone else, who knows us all, stay for a couple of nights. She arrived and asked me where her cake was, which was bizarre because she's someone who doesn't eat cake. Turned out she'd heard from our Easter guests about their gargantuan feasts and all the cake and puddings on offer. Apparently the Easter friends had told her and others that I love feeding people and they'd been plied with cake and puddings. I didn't force them on them, I offered! The woman friend who came at Easter had posted on one What's App conversation about needing to go on the Fast 800 after her long weekend with us.

The friend who was here this weekend said that I went wrong when I offered them a pudding each evening and cake when they got back from walks or trips to places of interest. She said that if I offer people cake then I shouldn't be surprised if they eat it — all of it. I feel weirded out by the whole thing. I don't want anyone to go hungry when they stay in my home, but if I was offering too much food they could have eaten moderately and I would have scaled things back. I didn't force them to eat so much. AIBU to offer cake and pudding to guests?

She's monitoring her guests' food intake and bitching about them to all and sundry!

Try thinking about this from a host's point of view. You've planned meals and bought ingredients for them. You've done your calculations on allowing everyone a decent portion and ensuring that there's some choice and no one goes hungry. I think perhaps the experienced hosts here can see the issues and the people who don't host are a bit shocked to realise that hosts do have half an eye on what they eat, and how much they eat, because the host is providing the food.

It's great you are supplying all these details, this way they'll recognise themselves on here and steer clear of your judgmental hospitality in future.

They were greedy, felt bad about being greedy, felt the need to say in public to the world that they don’t normally eat that much. They clearly love your food. Yes, it was incredibly greedy to eat the entire cake in one go. I certainly would not have baked them another one after that, but you were being an unusually good host. It is not a good host’s job to watch their guests’ waistlines for them, it’s for the guests not to be greedy pigs.

The only issue I would have is if the host had an eating disorder and got pleasure from being secretly disgusted by the amount of food their guests were consuming, whilst constantly plying the guests with food - I have met a few people like that, and it is simultaneously annoying and sad that their only pleasure around food is cooking nice food which they deny themselves and then revel in judging others for actually eating. It does not sound like that applies to you.

No. I'm an experienced host and I totally disagree with you. Your attitude is really weird I'm afraid.

This!

No good host offers food jokingly.

I don’t think people really think this OP, but it’s mumsnet and people love a pile-on and being contrary to what the OP thinks!

"The people who don't host" - you keep making these ridiculous assumptions about people.

You're being quite outing about them on a public thread, which likely will be picked up by the press. You may not have to worry about them enjoying your food again.

And there's always someone with a pick-me attitude to berate all those who dare to disagree with the OP 😅.

The young adult is simply an adult, with an appetite to match. If they arrived at 3pm, after a long journey, I would have thought they’d be starving,

Whilst it sounds like you fed them enough, after the ‘joking’ offers of more food, I’m not sure that I would have offered just granola and yoghurt as a breakfast.

You sound a bit obsessed with food portions, and I’m surprised that you’re surprised at the quantity of food eaten.

It’s a weird assumption to make that the posters who agree with you are experienced hosts, while those of us who don’t agree must never have hosted or catered.

All I know is you’ve twice had your hosting/catering critiqued for being a feeder – after your friend’s party, and this family’s visit – while I’ve never had such feedback. Maybe the common denominator here isn’t “hosting expertise”, as you think, but you?

We have people to stay all the time, I suspect far more than you do, because you seem to have found feeding them so stressful, which implies it’s a rarity for you. Anyone staying with us (and these have included the teenage sons of overseas friends who are elite rowers and stayed a week doing an internship on a few occasions, with vast appetites) generally just gets an expanded version of whatever we were having. Breakfast is always just toast and coffee, for instance, or the contents of the fruit bowl and yoghurt. It’s never even occurred to me to make visitors three cakes in three days. We don’t often have dessert.

We also stay a lot with other people, having lived overseas for a long time, so lots of scattered friends in different places, and no one is pouring food into guests as you describe, while resenting it and getting stressed about quantities.

The only person I know who could accurately be described as a ‘feeder’ is my mother, but that’s because of her own psychological quirks which mean she thinks people are being ‘polite’ if they say they’ve already eaten and are full, and just ignores it.

Thanks for that. I don't think I have an eating disorder. I have a tendency to put on weight, particularly now I'm older and a bit less active, so I try to control the size of the portions I serve myself, but I still have a piece of cake or whatever if I fancy it. DH and I do tend, when we're here on our own, to have fewer carbs and, as I've said, we don't have desserts. But I think that's fairly normal these days, isn't it?

If my guests had eaten heartily and just said 'Fab food, thanks' all would be fine. As I keep saying, it's the fact that they ate heartily and then blamed me for the fact they'd eaten too much that rankles. I put food on the table but they didn't have to eat it all.

I know exactly how you feel OP. We often have friends to stay. One couple came to stay and sound like your friends. I laid out a buffet lunch with a selection of cheeses, cold meats, breads, salads etc. They ate loads. As I was clearing the table, they spotted some crackers in the kitchen and said 'ooh, they look nice, haven't tried those before'. My DH asked if they wanted to try one. They ate the whole packet. I usually over cater when guests come and then freeze leftovers but they ate everything. After the evening meal, I wasn't going to offer cheese and biscuits but they said 'is there cheese left over from lunch? That would be nice.' This sort of thing continued for their stay - 3 nights. We were shocked at how much they ate. And, just like you, I was so upset when she posted on Facebook afterwards that we had stuffed them to the point of bursting. As if we literally force fed them. We didn't make them eat so much!

Is there any part of you that's willing to acknowledge how bloody weird it is to offer guests food "jokingly"?

The guests sound rude . If someone offers you cake everyone knows that means a slice, not finish the whole thing. If they had just had a slice then the cake would’ve lasted 2 days and you wouldn’t have had to keep baking.

Breakfast though you did offer something different so I think that’s on you!

There almost seems to be a bit of a clash here, I as a guest feel I need to clear my plate to show appreciation; you as a host think that if someone has cleared their plate you need to offer them more in case they are hungry! And so the cycle continues….

Yeh I think they felt awkward about how much they ate (you'd notice if you'd scoffed three cakes in a weekend!) and preemptively got in first as they didn't want you and your mutual friend discussing how greedy they'd been.

Yet another AIBU where OP is unable to shift their viewpoint even a tiny bit and keeps doubling down.

If someone offered me cake I might feel obligated to have some (if they had made it for me) but if I wasn’t that hungry I just have a small slice with the meal I’d just eat what I wanted.

Either they felt pressured to eat food you had bought for them, maybe they don’t like waste. Or they reflected on their greediness and felt guilty so made you their scapegoat

"She KEPT BAKING BLOODY CAKES!!" 😅

I dunno, I'd just be a bit surprised at how much people can put away and I'd take their comments as compliments. You've been told over and over by different people that your food is irresistible, but you're offended by that. I think that strikes me as being indicative that you yourself maybe have issues around food. (I have an ED that is controlled now, and I see myself a lot in the way you're reacting to this.)

How is being called a 'feeder' and telling OP that she is making everyone fat a compliment?

This exactly ^

I am not sure why you kept making more cakes and making more puddings?

I know when I go to stay with someone and they especially make cakes and puddings etc then you feel obliged to have some even if you don't want any. Because it feels rude to turn down something that has specifically been made for you.

We have this when we go to the PIL. They make a nice meal for us but then its obvious MIL has spent time making pudding so we have some even if we are stuffed. Then later she offers cake with tea and again, we know she has made it specially so we feel obliged to have a piece.

I think they were saying they were well looked after and its obvious they really enjoyed your food but I think you have gone way over the top with trying to 'feed people'.