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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about the is feedback on my catering?

240 replies

Eminencegreige · 18/05/2025 21:26

At Easter we had two friends, people we've known for some years and met at other's houses, come to stay with us. They brought with them their young adult son.

They arrived on the Thursday at around 3pm and I offered them some home-made cake. I don't often make cake, but they'd had a long journey and it was Easter and so I baked. The father and son ate most of the cake between them and said how good it was. We had G+Ts and nibbles at 6pm and not long after 7pm I served a lasagne with a salad and some garlic bread on the side. The recipe said it fed 10 and there were five of us. DH and I took decent-sized portions and the three of them finished up the rest, including all the garlic bread. I wasn't sure whether they were fans of dessert, but I'd bought a lemon tart in case they were. DH and I shared a quarter of the lemon tart with with some strawberries and cream and our guests had a quarter each. After that I jokingly asked if anyone would like cheese and the father and son had cheese and biscuits. They were very complimentary about all the food, said how lovely it was, which was very kind of them, but it was a bit alarming seeing how much they ate.

Next morning for breakfast I offered fresh fruit, muesli and granola/ cereals and yoghurt. Jokingly, after the men had finished off large bowls and had seconds, I offered toast and eggs and they had the best part of a loaf between them, and two scrambled eggs each... And so it went on.

They seemed to love cake, so over the weekend I baked another two and they ate them. They had a big cooked breakfast each morning and seemed to love puddings, so I made a pudding each evening, and they poured huge amounts of cream and custard over them.

We had a lovely weekend and I enjoyed having them here, but the food situation felt very stressful. One evening they took us out to eat at a local gastro-pub and it was noticeable that they ate less there because there were fixed portions.

This weekend we had someone else, who knows us all, stay for a couple of nights. She arrived and asked me where her cake was, which was bizarre because she's someone who doesn't eat cake. Turned out she'd heard from our Easter guests about their gargantuan feasts and all the cake and puddings on offer. Apparently the Easter friends had told her and others that I love feeding people and they'd been plied with cake and puddings. I didn't force them on them, I offered! The woman friend who came at Easter had posted on one What's App conversation about needing to go on the Fast 800 after her long weekend with us.

The friend who was here this weekend said that I went wrong when I offered them a pudding each evening and cake when they got back from walks or trips to places of interest. She said that if I offer people cake then I shouldn't be surprised if they eat it — all of it. I feel weirded out by the whole thing. I don't want anyone to go hungry when they stay in my home, but if I was offering too much food they could have eaten moderately and I would have scaled things back. I didn't force them to eat so much. AIBU to offer cake and pudding to guests?

OP posts:
OvernightBloats · 19/05/2025 06:24

I think your guests were rude and treated you like an 'all you can eat restaurant'. If a guest ate all the cakes like this, it would feel like they were taking advantage of your generosity.
For next time, limit what is available and stick to it. Once the meal is finished, don't offer any more because it seems like your guests were very, rudely greedy.

Genevieva · 19/05/2025 06:32

What did you tell the friend who visited more recently? I hope you didn’t get sucked into endless baking.

Woodywoodpecker321 · 19/05/2025 06:38

It sounds like you're an amazing host and your friends were looked after so well by you!

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 19/05/2025 07:15

You sound very hard work. Just cook a normal sized meal for your guests and this won’t be a problem, will it?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 19/05/2025 07:23

Eminencegreige · 18/05/2025 23:25

Where di you grow up ? Is there a cultural difference that means you don't understand that people are trying to tell you how

No, no cultural difference at all and no problems with language.

If you want to compliment me, say 'Thanks for the lovely food. I really enjoyed it.' But don't over-indulge in the food I offer in good faith, then deliver me a back-handed compliment saying you're going to have to starve for the next few days. I offered you something to eat, that's all.

So many women are so hung up on calories, weight, being slim, struggling with food issues. You can eat one slice of cake and tell me it's delicious. Great. You can say 'That cake looks lovely but I'm steering clear of cake at the moment.' Fine, I understand. But don't eat three slices and then tell your friends on FB that I'm making you fat and it'll have to be 800 calories a day for the next week. Take responsibility for yourself. I don't regard it as a compliment to be told I'm obsessed with food and feeding people.

Agree with you OP. Don’t know why you’re being given a hard time, MN is a weird place sometimes…

Your second friend that visited sounds rude too!

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 19/05/2025 07:24

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 19/05/2025 07:15

You sound very hard work. Just cook a normal sized meal for your guests and this won’t be a problem, will it?

Why? Maybe she wanted leftovers from the lasagne, cake keeps for a while too!

If a friend offered you a piece of a huge lasagne, you’d seriously eat the lot? Or a big cake, you’d eat all of it? So weird.

minnienono · 19/05/2025 07:28

the Easter guest was bring complimentary, they obviously were the kind of people who struggle to turn food down. In reality you don’t need to offer cake all the time but if it’s there many people, me included will eat more than i should.

Theshallows1167 · 19/05/2025 07:37

This is weird. If I had guests and offered them food I wouldn’t get annoyed that they accepted the offer. But I wouldn’t be making 3 cakes in a weekend or offering a second breakfast after the first.

It sounds like they enjoyed your cooking and it was just abit of banter with your other friend. Don’t take things so personally.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 19/05/2025 07:45

I like food and am very overweight, but the amount your guests ate would have defeated me. They also apparently ate a lot more than you and your husband, their hosts. Maybe they felt a bit embarrassed about this afterwards and are trying to pretend it was your fault that they overate? If you invite them to stay again, take them at their word and cook something low carb and high protein and serve them right.

Dymaxion · 19/05/2025 07:46

Basically, I don't think it's a great compliment to imply that I'm the food-obsessed person when I ate moderately all weekend and they were the ones pigging out.

You were a great host, feeding adults with capacity to decline any food offered. I would be delighted if someone said they needed to diet after spending a weekend with me, that means you produce lovely tasty food Smile

Original poster
Eminencegreige · 19/05/2025 07:53

MrsEverest · 19/05/2025 01:51

Do you have issues with food?

I'd find it really really strange if someone served a dessert by giving us each a hefty piece then splitting the same sized piece between two. Why not just cut it into how many serves it's meant to make, everyone takes one and can have more if there's any left over? You also seem very fixated on noting the quantity everyone eats, weirdly 'jokingly' offered scrambled eggs and half-heartedly offered cheese and biscuits then both times judged the guests for taking up your offer, and use pejorative phrases like 'pigging out'. Your OP reads as though you gazed at them open-mouthed all weekend, astonished that people could eat so much.

Se my previous response to the 'joking' offer of eggs and toast. Ditto the cheese. After they'd eaten all that lasagne and then the tart, I didn't believe they'd have any room for cheese and biscuits which is why I offered it jokingly.

The tart said it was for six people: we were five. Neither DH or I usually have dessert. He's training for a marathon and doesn't want to put weight on. I'm not really a dessert person. I was getting fresh cream and mixed berries out of the fridge and DH cut himself a small piece, and me a small piece and then handed the rest of the tart and the knife over to our guests to help themselves. Not the most elegant hosting, I admit. They ate it all.

I do note how much people eat because we host regularly and like other experienced hosts here, I try to ensure there is always a bit more than enough food on the table so that people don't go short. Remember, I'm the one mainly in charge of the food and the cooking when people visit. I keep an eye on what people eat as a guide to likes and dislikes and the kind of quantity people eat — particularly during the first meal or two. It gives an indication of whether the meal plan I have lined up for the next day, and the next, needs tweaking.

All I can say is that I've been hosting for more than 30 years and I have never known visitors eat so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eminencegreige · 19/05/2025 07:55

Woodywoodpecker321 · 19/05/2025 06:38

It sounds like you're an amazing host and your friends were looked after so well by you!

Thank you. I don't think I can be such a terrible host because people do come back regularly.

OP posts:
whitewineandsun · 19/05/2025 07:57

You didn't have to keep baking just because they finished the cake.

Pickingdates · 19/05/2025 07:59

I regularly entertain and am a great cook and baker.

There is always food leftover, which is great for snaking later on.
No one has ever felt the need to eat more than they wish.

I had 8 for lunch recently and gave everyone a modest initial portion of the main course and put everything in dishes for them to then help themselves. This works very well I find.

Also I made 4 deserts and they served themselves. Again no waste and people helped themselves to a small taste or a decent portion.

They sound a bit uncouth to be honest.

threenaancurrywhore · 19/05/2025 08:04

MrsEverest · 19/05/2025 01:51

Do you have issues with food?

I'd find it really really strange if someone served a dessert by giving us each a hefty piece then splitting the same sized piece between two. Why not just cut it into how many serves it's meant to make, everyone takes one and can have more if there's any left over? You also seem very fixated on noting the quantity everyone eats, weirdly 'jokingly' offered scrambled eggs and half-heartedly offered cheese and biscuits then both times judged the guests for taking up your offer, and use pejorative phrases like 'pigging out'. Your OP reads as though you gazed at them open-mouthed all weekend, astonished that people could eat so much.

Completely agree. And each time OP posts again to say, oh no, you’re misreading things, I’m actually completely breezy about food, she gives herself away again – the update just before yours has “wolf down more”. It’s so clear under all the faux-casual “eat whatever you want” chat that eating is judged. Wolf, pig, scoff. No one calls eating that unless they have an issue with it.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 19/05/2025 08:04

Eminencegreige · 19/05/2025 07:55

Thank you. I don't think I can be such a terrible host because people do come back regularly.

Show quote history

I'd come and stay! It sounds fab.

Original poster
Eminencegreige · 19/05/2025 08:05

This is weird. If I had guests and offered them food I wouldn’t get annoyed that they accepted the offer. But I wouldn’t be making 3 cakes in a weekend or offering a second breakfast after the first.

So, if your usual pattern when hosting people was to offer some cake and a mug of tea when people came back from a long walk or a day out sightseeing, and you made a cake that would cut into 12 reasonable size slices thinking that it would last at least a couple of days, and the guests ate most of the cake on day one.... would you serve them those two slices the following day, to share among three, and then not offer any food on subsequent afternoons because they'd eaten all the cake they were going to get? Or would you, as I did, make another cake?

I'm not begrudging them their cake, by the way. It's nice when people are enthusiastic about something you've made. But to then accuse me of being obsessed with cake and overfeeding them — that's what rankles.

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 19/05/2025 08:05

They sound like greedy pigs who took advantage the piss out of your hospitality. And ill mannered to boot. Now they are trying to turn their greediness and bad manners onto you. It's a nasty little human trait. Rise above it.

If they come again, plate up rather than let them help themselves. Give them a slice of cake and put the cake back in the tin. Stop offering more.

Out of interest, what did they bring for their host: chocolates, wine, flowers? I would put money on them coming empty or meanly handed. That type usually do in my experience.

It says more about them than you @Eminencegreige

Zezet · 19/05/2025 08:07

This reply has been deleted

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MatildaMovesMountains · 19/05/2025 08:08

Stop offering food "jokingly". It's a really horrible thing to do, as if you're trying to catch your guests out in a faux pas.

And stop monitoring their food intake; that's incredibly rude.

If a friend told someone "I jokingly offered Matilda a biscuit with her coffee and SHE ATE FIVE!!!!", I'd be really hacked off.

Heronwatcher · 19/05/2025 08:08

People are weird about food.

But yes purely for my own sanity I really can’t see myself baking three cakes and serving them with cream and custard over a weekend. I think a cup of coffee and a nice biscuit or a fruit salad would have been more than enough after cake #1 disappeared.

FortyElephants · 19/05/2025 08:08

Eminencegreige · 19/05/2025 08:05

This is weird. If I had guests and offered them food I wouldn’t get annoyed that they accepted the offer. But I wouldn’t be making 3 cakes in a weekend or offering a second breakfast after the first.

So, if your usual pattern when hosting people was to offer some cake and a mug of tea when people came back from a long walk or a day out sightseeing, and you made a cake that would cut into 12 reasonable size slices thinking that it would last at least a couple of days, and the guests ate most of the cake on day one.... would you serve them those two slices the following day, to share among three, and then not offer any food on subsequent afternoons because they'd eaten all the cake they were going to get? Or would you, as I did, make another cake?

I'm not begrudging them their cake, by the way. It's nice when people are enthusiastic about something you've made. But to then accuse me of being obsessed with cake and overfeeding them — that's what rankles.

Personally I would have served everyone a slice of cake and put the cake back in the kitchen. And no, if they'd somehow eaten a whole cake in an afternoon I wouldn't have baked another cake or multiple cakes so they could eat them too. It's too much. You shouldn't have jokingly offered more food either, that was weird. They are clearly feasters which is fine I guess but they do sound greedy and it doesn't sound like they contributed much to the stay in the way of food themselves?

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 19/05/2025 08:13

You come across as frankly unpleasant

That's unkind and uncalled for.

Original poster
Eminencegreige · 19/05/2025 08:13

RosesAndHellebores · 19/05/2025 08:05

They sound like greedy pigs who took advantage the piss out of your hospitality. And ill mannered to boot. Now they are trying to turn their greediness and bad manners onto you. It's a nasty little human trait. Rise above it.

If they come again, plate up rather than let them help themselves. Give them a slice of cake and put the cake back in the tin. Stop offering more.

Out of interest, what did they bring for their host: chocolates, wine, flowers? I would put money on them coming empty or meanly handed. That type usually do in my experience.

It says more about them than you @Eminencegreige

They bought half a case of wine, some beer, chocolates and a bottle of very nice home-made rhubarb gin, so I'd say they were pretty generous.

OP posts:
Zezet · 19/05/2025 08:15

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 19/05/2025 08:13

You come across as frankly unpleasant

That's unkind and uncalled for.

I don't think so!

She has been slagging off her guests in increasingly pejorative terms. I think that is unpleasant and judgy.

I also don't think it's uncalled for because she is here to ask if she is unreasonable and my answer is: YANBU in how you host, YABVU in how you judge your guests after the fact. It's bang on the subject of the thread.